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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my relationship over something so small?

131 replies

AtticusDinch · 29/09/2020 07:51

I know I can end it for any reason but don’t know if I’m over reacting.

Last night my boyfriend put a photo of us both up on Instagram, he’d put a heart filter over the top of it. One of his friends left a comment saying ‘boyfriends name loves a filter‘. My boyfriend commented back to him ‘friends name loves boys’

Apart from the fact we are both mid 30s and that reply just seems incredibly childish and immature. I feel really uncomfortable about him having used being gay as an insult.

This only happened last night so I’ve been thinking about it and haven’t spoken to him yet. AIBU for feeling that way? In some ways o feel I’m being just as petty as they were.

OP posts:
GeorgeDavidson · 29/09/2020 10:33

'The ones who never dared just stood there and acted like it was nine of their business.'

Bullying is bullying whatever the reason, but I promise you LGBT+ people are suffering from discrimination at a much higher level than anyone is because of their nationality in this country.

Out of interest, what nationality are you that clients are attacking you?

Mittens030869 · 29/09/2020 10:45

It’s possible to make jokes about nationality without being offensive. When I was studying in France, there used to be a lot of jokes about ‘les roast beef’. It’s genuinely humorous in a way that isn’t the case when we call them ‘Froggies’.

It’s about intention. Some of the best comedies involve jokes about other nationalities, because they also take the Micky about British people.

But there comes a point where it becomes unpleasant, like with anti-semitism where the aim is to discriminate against a person or to humiliate them.

Finally, whereas joking about other nationalities can be in good taste, homophobic, racist or sexist abuse simply is never acceptable.

Sadpop · 29/09/2020 10:47

Unreasonable. But as others say there must be more to it.

Being homophobis is uncool and if that is a pattern he needs to be pulled up sharpish. If however they are being banterish then they need to be pulled up less sharply. A lot of the actually gay lads at a previous workplace of mine were the worst for calling other people gay, it was cool, they had reclaimed it. So, I'd say the intention is all.

aSofaNearYou · 29/09/2020 10:53

Well the phrasing of what he said gives me the impression it's being used ironically, "loves boys" is obviously a kind of parody of the kind of comeback people use at primary school. Not that that's necessarily ok but it is somewhat different to actually being homophobic. Lots of people say things like this thoughtlessly, or even as a deliberate attempt at poking fun of the time when people used to say it.

It's up to you how much it bothers you, but I doubt he meant much behind it, at least.

thedancingbear · 29/09/2020 10:53

Being homophobis is uncool and if that is a pattern he needs to be pulled up sharpish. If however they are being banterish then they need to be pulled up less sharply. A lot of the actually gay lads at a previous workplace of mine were the worst for calling other people gay,

Would you be this relaxed about explicit racist 'banter' or is it just LGB people who have to suck it up for the sake of lads' humour?

MelindatheWitch · 29/09/2020 10:54

I would have said yanbu about the filter alone until I read on.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 29/09/2020 10:54

It’s possible to make jokes about nationality without being offensive. When I was studying in France, there used to be a lot of jokes about ‘les roast beef’. It’s genuinely humorous in a way that isn’t the case when we call them ‘Froggies’.

That makes no sense! Are you saying jokes and nicknames based on someone's nationality are ok when directed at British people, but not when made by British people?

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/09/2020 10:57

It's his immaturity that is getting to you. This comment is just the last straw.

If it were this comment alone, I'd have said that you were being a wee bit sensitive, but it sounds as though he's generally a bit childish.

That doesn't really improve, imo, especially once you are over 30.

CarrotInATree · 29/09/2020 10:59

I wouldn’t date a homophobe. So unless there is a very good explanation, like the friend is gay and happy to joke about it, I would be considering ending it.

GeorgeDavidson · 29/09/2020 11:02

'actually gay lads at a previous workplace of mine were the worst for calling other people gay, it was cool, they had reclaimed it.'

THEY had reclaimed it. the gay lads. BIG difference. Just as I, a white person would NEVER EVER utter the N word but some black people have 'reclaimed' it and use it, in rap or grime for eg. or to prove a point. They get to use it if they want, I don't.

Two straight blokes using 'gay' as an insult is entirely different.
You don't get to reclaim something that never belonged to you in the first place.

Some of my LGBT friends joke and call each other queen or dyke, within our group and within context that's fine but I have NEVER been called dyke by a straight bloke without it being aggressive, hostile, insulting and on more than one occasion meaning that I was in physical danger.

JenniferSantoro · 29/09/2020 11:17

@dewisant2020

My god the worlds gone crazy, men talk like that all the time when they are talking to their friends. Do him a favour and leave him because you obviously aren't compatible
Teenage boys talk this this, grown men, not so much. He sounds very immature.
Chathamhouserules · 29/09/2020 11:18

These are all nice guys in their 30s with normal lives, sensible jobs, known each other for decades, they just joke around with each other (and would never talk like that with a stranger).
I think its partly this. My friends and I sometimes make dubious jokes to each other in private which are inappropriate. I know this isn't great. But somehow worse to do it publicly because a stranger might think it was made more aggressively than it was. I'd have been embarrassed if it was my dp.
And you say he's a bit childish overall, so this was the final straw. I can understand and dont blame you.

HappyDays10101 · 29/09/2020 11:22

If he’s posting it publicly, then that’s a different matter than what is acceptable amongst friends. Also, you’re not ending it cos of the comment, but the immaturity that it represents.

Sidewinder30 · 29/09/2020 11:26

It's homopbobic. If some people think it's a joke, they should realise that it's a homophobic joke. (Always beware of 'can't you take a joke' and 'where is your sense of humour?' defenses.)

OP may or may not want to leave as he is immature and their vakuea are out of line, or she may just want to exlplain her take on his comment.

But don't tell her she's wrong to see it as insulting to gays. It is.

goldensummerhouse · 29/09/2020 11:27

Is it possible it's some longstanding in-joke between them?

But as you say in your first post, you can end a relationship for any reason. Maybe you're just not compatible. It's fine to not want someone who has an immature side.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 29/09/2020 11:38

I wouldn't like it at all.
DH has previously pulled up team members on those kind of comments, or using 'gay' as an insult. If he said something like that he wouldn't be the person I think he is.
I really dislike "casual" bigotry of any kind because it does send a message that it's okay/ accepted/ just banter.

GeorgeDavidson · 29/09/2020 11:46

'Is it possible it's some longstanding in-joke between them?'

a homophobic joke is a homophobic joke, the length of time they've been saying it is irrelevant isn't it?

yahyahs22 · 29/09/2020 11:49

Can't you just tell him you didn't like it and see how you fit on that subject? My boyfriend is an early 90's boy and calling someone 'gay' is quite a normal insult. Do I like it? Not really. Do I think he hates gay people? Definitely not. Would i end my relationship over it? Not in a million years.

Birlyjean · 29/09/2020 11:52

Not immature, not banter and not a joke. It is homophobic.

Asking him if he is homophobic or not, might be a waste of time. Do you think he will admit?

HoboSexualOnslow · 29/09/2020 11:54

I'd have the ick at the heart filter. Hos comment is so very.old fashioned and laddish, complete turn off. As you said OP you can end a relationship for any reason.

GeorgeDavidson · 29/09/2020 11:55

' My boyfriend is an early 90's boy and calling someone 'gay' is quite a normal insult. '

Well he sounds like a prince. Is that it then? You're from a generation or time and therefore you views never ever change, and that's okay? People were more openly racist then too, is that okay? Or what if you're era is the 70s, okay to be rampantly sexist?

Storyoftonight · 29/09/2020 11:57

@lunar1

You wouldn't be ending it over something small, you would be ending it over values. Is that something you would want potential future children to repeat?
A bit of a leap to assume that one off the cuff comment to his friend would lead to him raising children to be homophobic Confused

Not his finest hour OP and I get it but surely this is a conversation where you express why you didn't like it , not end the relationship! Unless as PP said there are other things going on.

LindaEllen · 29/09/2020 11:57

Alright so it was a silly comment (that doesn't mean he's homophobic by the way - when did we all become so sensitive?), but is it really worth ending your entire relationship over? Surely not.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2020 12:08

It's obviously the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

messy123 · 29/09/2020 12:19

Men talk to their friends like this regularly (well the ones I know do!). I really wouldn't end a relationship just due to that, if you are thinking of doing so there must be other issues.