To end my relationship over something so small?

[AtticusDinch]

I know I can end it for any reason but don’t know if I’m over reacting.

Last night my boyfriend put a photo of us both up on Instagram, he’d put a heart filter over the top of it. One of his friends left a comment saying ‘boyfriends name loves a filter‘. My boyfriend commented back to him ‘friends name loves boys’

Apart from the fact we are both mid 30s and that reply just seems incredibly childish and immature. I feel really uncomfortable about him having used being gay as an insult.

This only happened last night so I’ve been thinking about it and haven’t spoken to him yet. AIBU for feeling that way? In some ways o feel I’m being just as petty as they were.

Men talk to their friends like this regularly (well the ones I know do!). I really wouldn't end a relationship just due to that, if you are thinking of doing so there must be other issues.

We really don't. The ones you associate with maybe. If this is their level of 'banter', then they are homophobic simpletons.

I like men who take things seriously & aren't immature. Therefore I wouldn't happy with a man who makes "ha ha your gay" comments into his 30s or 40s.

^

This. I think most people make 'edgy' jokes when they are in the right company, and part of the humour comes from the fact that they are as such.

but there's nothing in the OP's account to suggest any kind of wit. It's a basic, 10-year old 'hur hur u r a gay'. It suggests, first, that he's a witless fuck; but also, the fact that he's using 'gay' as a simple insult suggests he's a dyed-in-the-wool homophobe who has never even seriously considered his views may be wrong.

It’s either been a tongue in cheek playground style comeback or evidence of raging homophobia and unsuitability as a partner.
You know better than us which it is, OP.

'Alright so it was a silly comment (that doesn't mean he's homophobic by the way - when did we all become so sensitive?'

If he'd have called his mate a n*gger as 'bants' would OP still being sensitive or not? Interested to know as this if was a laugh, not offensive argument here seems to be popular.

'Alright so it was a silly comment (that doesn't mean he's homophobic by the way - when did we all become so sensitive?'

Can't you take a joke? You blacks/gays/disableds [delete as appropriate] are all so touchy nowadays...

Sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back.

But yes, in his 30s, it does seem embarrassingly immature. Cringey.

@Chocaholic9

I like men who take things seriously & aren't immature. Therefore I wouldn't happy with a man who makes "ha ha your gay" comments into his 30s or 40s.

Yup.

Sounds like he's immature to me, OP. And from your second comment it sounds like this isn't the only thing but one of many things that are ringing alarm bells for you.

I think it seems you might not be compatible and it's worth discussing it with him.

@Chocaholic9

I like men who take things seriously & aren't immature. Therefore I wouldn't happy with a man who makes "ha ha your gay" comments into his 30s or 40s.

Seriously about the imortant things but serious all the time about everything,? How dull.

'Seriously about the imortant things but serious all the time about everything,? How dull.'

Yeah, nothing says fun like a grown man going, 'well you're gay, so there! ahahahahahaha'

@MrsMayo

I like a sense of humour. But I'm not into the kind of humour 11 year old boys laugh at.

if youre thinking this is just another thing that irritates you then end it -if its a one off then just talk to him

ivew called my husband gay when he says he loves an actor but only in private and wouldnt doit on sm

@GeorgeDavidson

'Seriously about the imortant things but serious all the time about everything,? How dull.'

Yeah, nothing says fun like a grown man going, 'well you're gay, so there! ahahahahahaha'

My DH doesn't have that sense of humour, so don't make out that's what I meant.

[quote Chocaholic9]@MrsMayo

I like a sense of humour. But I'm not into the kind of humour 11 year old boys laugh at.[/quote]
My Son at 11 never laughed at people being gay.

Why do some women see men as disposable? What happened to making an effort and working through differences?

Also, haven't you ever said anything at all that you don't mean?? Especially to sound funny to your peers? I'm NOT defending homophobia, but him maybe trying to have (admittedly very wrong) banter in order to fit in with his friends, has to be considered. Again, not defending WHAT he said, just reasons behind WHY

Shocked at home may posters seem happy with sharing their life with a man who thinks being gay is an insult. OP if it was early days I would end it. If I knew him for years I would explain how pathetic it makes him sound to say something like that, then I'd base me next move on his reaction.

This 'it is just how men talk' shit is boring.

[quote Chocaholic9]@MrsMayo

I like a sense of humour. But I'm not into the kind of humour 11 year old boys laugh at.[/quote]
For me humour is something witty that makes me smile, could be a clever pun or the way a story is being told.

Homophobic or racist or sexist jokes don't appeal to my sense of humour, quite the opposite.
They quite appeal to BIL but he should be in a museum somewhere.

It saddens me that so many people still think it's okay to use gay as an insult. I knew it was wrong in primary school.
For those suggesting people say this kind of shit to fit in with other people maybe have a look at the people you hang out with.

Really OP? Daft banter, move past it unless there is something deeper?

Daft banter, move past it unless there is something deeper?

Like him being a homophobe? Because the 'daft banter' doesn't work unless it's taken for granted that being gay is wrong and inferior.

Are teenagers using this site now?

a homophobic joke is a homophobic joke, the length of time they've been saying it is irrelevant isn't it?

It is, but intent counts - sometimes. Like if it had been something a bigoted acquaintance had once said, so they say it to each other now in a sarcastic way.

That's reaching tbh, but she may as well speak to him about it.

Maybe his friend does love boys?

My son kept saying 'that's so gay' we have had many a chat on how that's not ok to say. We know alot of gay and lesbian people yet he still picked it up. Did your bf mean it as an insult? His friend might actually like boys. Chat to him about it and let him know it was rude.

like i said before, straight people don't decide what's homophobic - did the OPs boyfriend mean 'gay' in a positive or factual way?
Didn't sound like it from what the OP has posted.

I wouldn't want to share my life with a grown man who thought being called gay was an insult, no. I'd tell him what he said was homophobic and that I was disgusted, and I'd see what he said - my OH made an offhand but off-colour comment about a female friend of his when we first got together.

I told him it was sexist and that I wasn't amused - he apologised, understood WHY it was wrong, and has never made the same mistake again. He had fallen back on some grim terminology from his teen years and knew better, and now does better. He's done the same to me in the past - I'm not the arbiter of morality by any means, but I think it's important to know someone's on the same moral page as you. An accidental slip is one thing, genuinely seeing no problem with what you've done wrong is another altogether.

If your boyfriend can do the same, OP - understand why what he said was not funny, and it was a lapse in judgement that he can admit was wrong - then all good. If he reacts with anger or annoyance then you know he's not on the same moral page as you/interested in being a better person.