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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end my relationship over something so small?

131 replies

AtticusDinch · 29/09/2020 07:51

I know I can end it for any reason but don’t know if I’m over reacting.

Last night my boyfriend put a photo of us both up on Instagram, he’d put a heart filter over the top of it. One of his friends left a comment saying ‘boyfriends name loves a filter‘. My boyfriend commented back to him ‘friends name loves boys’

Apart from the fact we are both mid 30s and that reply just seems incredibly childish and immature. I feel really uncomfortable about him having used being gay as an insult.

This only happened last night so I’ve been thinking about it and haven’t spoken to him yet. AIBU for feeling that way? In some ways o feel I’m being just as petty as they were.

OP posts:

HarrietOh · 29/09/2020 09:23

I would have gotten the ick at the heart filter tbh.

2bazookas · 29/09/2020 09:25

If you object to having your picture linking you to his comment, then the adult thing to do is discuss it with him.

Stupidsocials · 29/09/2020 09:26

'They adore him but sometimes joke about things that would sound homophobic if taken our of context. (The gay friend joins in, BTW).'

Really? They're being consistently homophobic in front of him for 'bants' and he doesn't mind? I can't think of any of my gay friends who would put up with this and not say something, let alone join in.
Though us gays do tend to have more self esteem issues than the general population, which is what happens when people around you, including your own family often, questioning your right to even exist.
This guy needs to work on getting new friends and having some more self respect.

Zhampagne · 29/09/2020 09:28

@Rigamorph

One of DPs friendship group (all males) is gay. They adore him but sometimes joke about things that would sound homophobic if taken our of context. (The gay friend joins in, BTW). These are all nice guys in their 30s with normal lives, sensible jobs, known each other for decades, they just joke around with each other (and would never talk like that with a stranger). Also: some men are horrified at the things women discuss, either with their friends or online with strangers!

I think if you were to ask the gay friend you would realise this isn't quite the cosy set-up that you think it is. More likely he has decided that joining in with the homophobic jokes is the price he has to pay to have these friends.

roarfeckingroarr · 29/09/2020 09:28

It was a childish joke, not a sign of homophobia.

AGoatAteIt · 29/09/2020 09:33

Yanbu to end it if that’s what you want you don’t need anyone’s permission to do that.

FWIW though I think you’re overreacting to a silly, throwaway exchange between 2 mates. A lot of my friends say stuff like that still and none of them are homophobic (some are gay themselves) it’s never said to cause genuine offence.

iluvgab · 29/09/2020 09:36

Pathetic and immature as well as thoughtless.
Whether he is homophobic is a different matter. It could be ignorance rather than a deep-rooted hatred/dislike of homosexuality.
I'd be wanting to find out what his views are on gay people. If he was homophobic he'd be out the door.
If it was just a thoughtless, immature comment I'd hope that he wouldn't write things like that again after I'd discussed it with him and if he continued to do so then I'd have to end it.

But it sounds like this is just one thing in a long list of things that have made you question the relationship anyway.

Calabasa · 29/09/2020 09:36

i'd be kind of 'really? haven't you grown out of that kind of shit?' or 'aren't you a bit old to making childish homophobic jokes?' and see what reaction i got... probably following up with 'well i dont think its funny, you're old enough to know better'

ThisShitDontMatter · 29/09/2020 09:37

OMG you should hear what me and my friends all say to eachother - we would be jailed if taken seriously!

modernmystery · 29/09/2020 09:37

I wouldn’t be ok with a comment like that. I don’t understand the people brushing it off as a joke.

HazelBite · 29/09/2020 09:37

Is this poster for real?

DizzyPigeon · 29/09/2020 09:38

Are you sure he's in his thirties?

A fucking heart filter and a schoolboy comment.

Are you sure you aren't dating the kid from Big?

I know some people on here seem to think it's funny, but it's really not.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/09/2020 09:56

They're being consistently homophobic in front of him for 'bants' and he doesn't mind?
And people say things about my nationality that could be deemed quite insulting all the time, but I know it is said in the spirit of fun and I have no issue joining it.

You can belong in a certain group and still laugh at the stereotypes associated with it. This inability of people to take things lightly is suffocating. I'm more insulted by these people than those who joke about things but are often much more caring in their behaviours and attitudes.

SarahAndQuack · 29/09/2020 09:58

@dontdisturbmenow - what exactly is 'full on racist or homophobic'?

This may be 'homophobia lite,' the friendly low-calorie version, but it's still homophobic.

It's not rocket science: you think The Gays are a joke and it's hilarious to joke about men liking men, you're being homophobic. If you don't like that, try not being homophobic. Simple.

SpaceOP · 29/09/2020 09:59

And people say things about my nationality that could be deemed quite insulting all the time, but I know it is said in the spirit of fun and I have no issue joining it.

Mmm, I've had a few comments about my nationality and I do find them insulting. Positive stereotypes make me roll my eyes. Negative ones are insulting. Always a bit surprised that people think this is okay. Obviously, not to be confused with cultural difference (see the endless articles about how Swedes obey the rules, believe in their government and scientists etc etc etc)

Stupidsocials · 29/09/2020 10:08

'And people say things about my nationality that could be deemed quite insulting all the time, but I know it is said in the spirit of fun and I have no issue joining it.'

I'm get jokes about my nationality all the time, mostly fine about it. But I'm also gay and would NOT find the 'that's so gay' type 'banter' acceptable or funny. There's a big difference between national stereotype jokes where we're all the butt of the joke sometimes and homophobic jokes - where a minority of people ( people who's lives are in danger in many countries, including this one) are singled out time and time again.
So I ask again - would you think racist jokes or comments are acceptable or funny because other people can see the funny side when someone says you're 'loud' because you're American, or like a drink because you're Irish, or vain because you're Italian etc etc?

NOT the same thing.

Stupidsocials · 29/09/2020 10:10

Having said that the 'jokes' about my nationality that I hear are usually only from the type of blokes who find MIL jokes hilarious and I generally think the people making them aren't that bright or clever or funny. It's like asking a really tall bloke "what's the weather like up there??' Sad, tired, repetitive and just a bit stupid.

Dozer · 29/09/2020 10:11

Lots of acceptance of homophobia on this thread.

wheretonow123 · 29/09/2020 10:12

I personally think that, in itself, it is too much to break a relationship up over.

There are some guys who are brilliant husbands but make absolutely dickhead stupid comments - usually not homophobic but stupid in other ways.

I think, as others have suggested, that you should speak to him and let him know how you felt about the comment and be clear enough that you are not at all impressed.

Then you will need to keep an eye on this and all aspects of the relationship going forward.

Mittens030869 · 29/09/2020 10:18

I really don’t like banter against any particular nationality or group. I suspect none of you would be arguing about it being harmless banter if it was sexist, would you?

As for jokes about nationality, I’m half Czech and my maiden name is very obviously Eastern European. It caused me to be horribly bullied at school. People would spell it wrong constantly, and looking back it was almost certainly deliberate.

I used to laugh at times, but it didn’t mean that I found it funny.

This is basically playground bullying; unfortunately, some bullies just don’t grow up.

Chocaholic9 · 29/09/2020 10:25

I agree it sounds terribly immature, I wouldn't be too impressed either.

Stupidsocials · 29/09/2020 10:26

Straight people don't get to decide what's homophobic or not just as white people don't get to decide what black people should find racist.
If you have a thread where gay people are commenting and saying - yes that's homophobic and I find it offensive there's no point in joggin along to tell them they're wrong.

GeorgeDavidson · 29/09/2020 10:29

You're gay! No you're gay!

Hahahahaha. So fucking unfunny. I find those who make 'gay' jokes all the time have underlying issues around sexuality...

dontdisturbmenow · 29/09/2020 10:29

There's a big difference between national stereotype jokes where we're all the butt of the joke sometimes and homophobic jokes - where a minority of people ( people who's lives are in danger in many countries, including this one) are singled out time and time again
That makes no sense. I'm a real minority in this country due to my nationality, much more than gay people.

I never judge people's true intentions by what they say in humourous way, even if I don't find it funny. I much rather judge by their actions.

One day, a client made an aggressive move towards me and was highly insuring. The oy person who really came to my defense was the colleague most vocal about making fun of my nationality. The ones who never dared just stood there and acted like it was nine of their business. I have much more respect for him than the politically correct yet cowards ones when I really needed support.

thedancingbear · 29/09/2020 10:30

I don't understand why a homophobic comment is considered no big deal, whereas if he'd posted something blatantly racist (eg. using the n-word or p-word) people would be rightly telling her to get the hell out of there?

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