New partner, moving and DD13

[starryeyed19]

My partner and I have been together long distance for about five years and we got engaged last year. We have planned our wedding for April 2021.

My partner lives in a city about 100 miles away - it's always got lots of things going on and I'm a big fan.

My DD13 has never seemed particularly for or against my partner but has tolerated his visits and us going to him although she has lately been saying she doesn't want to go.

I've applied for a job down there and got it. She is absolutely refusing to move and has said that she didn't want to move and I was ruining her life. That she didn't like going there, she didn't really like him coming here and that she didn't really want us to get married.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to go. I don't think I can. But am I supposed to give everything up because of her refusal to go?

There's a lot of backstory so I am trying to cover the essentials here. I was married to her father for 16 years but it was an arranged marriage that I didn't really want to take part in and it was not a good time. Her younger brother also has quite severe autism and has moved to residential school about two years ago after a lot of heartache and trouble.

What do I do? I don't want to give up my relationship. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about postponing us living together until my daughter is OK with it or leaves home. What can I do to try and improve their relationship?

Tell her she comes first and put her first.

@secondaccount

Tell her she comes first and put her first.

This

You don't prioritise a man over your young teenage daughter.

@secondaccount

Tell her she comes first and put her first.

this ^

I think your being selfish

It sounds like your daughter has already been through a great deal. She absolutely needs to come first now. You shouldn't have even thought of moving without discussing it with her.

What does putting her first actually mean though? Not being with him? Not having him at the house? Not going there? Do I just give her some time to adjust before I bring it up again?

As someone who was forced to move in with a boyfriend of my mothers that I didn’t like, don’t make her do this. It affected my relationship with my mother for years

I have been talking about this for a while so this isn't a new idea.

Do I just end my relationship?

I'm sorry but this age is a really unfair time to move. Why are you the one moving and not him?

Do I just end my relationship?

Not unless your fiancé fails to understand that you need to put your daughter first. Surely it would make more sense for him to move to your town?

It's a balance. I am living with my dp because I'm not getting any younger and my kids are adults technically (just) but will fly the best soon and I would be the one alone (their father lives in the family home my choice). You do deserve happiness 5 years is a long time to build yo this point. Is there any alternatives though, could she live term time with her father?

@Plussizejumpsuit

I'm sorry but this age is a really unfair time to move. Why are you the one moving and not him?

He doesn't want to. My family are where I live and are not going to be happy about us being together (culturally) so I thought it would be better for us to be in a completely different place away from them

@movingonup20

It's a balance. I am living with my dp because I'm not getting any younger and my kids are adults technically (just) but will fly the best soon and I would be the one alone (their father lives in the family home my choice). You do deserve happiness 5 years is a long time to build yo this point. Is there any alternatives though, could she live term time with her father?

Not really. Her father has a one bedroom flat round the corner but can barely take care of himself plus illegally rents out a room to someone he knows so she can't really visit either. She's not overly fond of the place. It's not very clean amongst other things

he doesn't want to so that is saying to your dd that he trumps her. That's a lot of loss and change for your daughter with her brother leaving home too, is where your partner is closer to his school?

The fact he doesn’t want to move to your city is pretty telling to me. Surely as someone without children he should be the one making the sacrifice on that one. Very unfair to move your daughter away from her friends and support network at that age. Poor girl

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I feel for you and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice a relationship but children have to come first sometimes

@TitianaTitsling

he doesn't want to so that is saying to your dd that he trumps her. That's a lot of loss and change for your daughter with her brother leaving home too, is where your partner is closer to his school?

We're the same distance away. It's an hour and a half from me and from him

I’d place yourself in her shoes, her parents marriage broke down, her sibling is in a residental care setting.she has a constant of her friends and school and they are being taken away from her.

Everything she knows, her friends, her life are disappearing.

Personally if you can see if he can move up to you temporarily, or put things on hold for 5 years, if you two love each other it’s hardly long at all!

It's not just him not wanting to move here, I want to move there too. But I don't want to do it like this

He doesn't want to move, so he doesn't have to, but your daughter doesn't want to move and you're thinking about making her anyway?

Also, i can't believe i have to ask this, but why on earth have you agreed to marry a man you've never lived with!? That's daft when it's just you, but absolutely ludicrous when you have a child.

You can't let your daughter manipulate the situation. I'm not saying don't put your daughter first as this is obviously the right thing to do but you can't let her decide who you can or can't date & where.

@Changedmynameagain1

I’d place yourself in her shoes, her parents marriage broke down, her sibling is in a residental care setting.she has a constant of her friends and school and they are being taken away from her.

Everything she knows, her friends, her life are disappearing.

Personally if you can see if he can move up to you temporarily, or put things on hold for 5 years, if you two love each other it’s hardly long at all!

We've already been together for five years. It will mean our chances of having children together will be slim to none

I agree with PP. Taking a 13yo girl from everything she knows, her school, her friends, to go and live with a guy who lives 100 miles away and she is indifferent about, just isn't fair. Sorry :(.

You can keep the relationship long distance but I don't think it's fair to move her.

I think that’s a lot of disruption for her especially as she will have to move school. What year would she be in?

I am a single parent and have a dd same age and I have found it difficult to manage a relationship around her. Could you wait till she is 16 to move?