Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New partner, moving and DD13

202 replies

starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 18:38

My partner and I have been together long distance for about five years and we got engaged last year. We have planned our wedding for April 2021.

My partner lives in a city about 100 miles away - it's always got lots of things going on and I'm a big fan.

My DD13 has never seemed particularly for or against my partner but has tolerated his visits and us going to him although she has lately been saying she doesn't want to go.

I've applied for a job down there and got it. She is absolutely refusing to move and has said that she didn't want to move and I was ruining her life. That she didn't like going there, she didn't really like him coming here and that she didn't really want us to get married.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to go. I don't think I can. But am I supposed to give everything up because of her refusal to go?

There's a lot of backstory so I am trying to cover the essentials here. I was married to her father for 16 years but it was an arranged marriage that I didn't really want to take part in and it was not a good time. Her younger brother also has quite severe autism and has moved to residential school about two years ago after a lot of heartache and trouble.

What do I do? I don't want to give up my relationship. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about postponing us living together until my daughter is OK with it or leaves home. What can I do to try and improve their relationship?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 28/09/2020 19:16

You absolutely cannot uproot your daughter to live with a man you've never lived with before. It's horribly irresponsible. He must come to live with you or not at all.

TitianaTitsling · 28/09/2020 19:17

@BrumBoo

So to clarify, you want to uproot your teenage daughter away from her friends and family, make her move in with a bloke she's not particularly keen on and you will probably instantly start on making babies with him, which will be great for an already pissed off, alienated teen.

Sounds like a great plan! Let us know how it works out.

All this! And the family you are keen to get away from, how's their relationship with your daughter? Is their disapproval to your plans to move similar to that of posters here?
Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 19:20

OK, you all seem pretty unanimous in the not moving her away. Which is pretty much the conclusion I had come to.

Any ideas about how I can try to improve their relationship?

OP posts:
anniversarywoes · 28/09/2020 19:21

If he's a keeper and worthy of being a permanent fixture in your dds life, he'll want to put her first too.

My now dh prioritises the needs of my dc from the off, I'd have shown him the door otherwise.
Please listen to your dd. She doesn't want to move, she doesn't even like him ffs!!!

anniversarywoes · 28/09/2020 19:22

Op I would work on improving your relationship with your dd first!
It must be awful for feeling uncertain about her future and also having to spend time with a man she dislikes.

Helpimfalling · 28/09/2020 19:24

I get the cultural thing.

Can you not move to the next town close enough to keep her in the same school?

Or tell your parents it's between you and god and it's your choice?

Either way I think moving and leaving all she's ever known is wrong

And maybe she's unhappy with him as she gets the vibe it's a taboo thing as that's why your family don't agree with it?

She will think if it's all above board why aren't her grandparents etc okay with it

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 19:24

I won't move whilst she feels like this. That's an absolute certainty.

OP posts:
upsidedownwavylegs · 28/09/2020 19:25

My family are Pakistani and my partner is a white Catholic. There is no scenario in which they will be OK with us being together

You’ve got divorced (I assume) and lived to tell the tale. What difference?

BuggerBognor · 28/09/2020 19:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Longwhiskers14 · 28/09/2020 19:26

I'm glad you've reached the conclusion that it would be beyond unfair to uproot your daughter. If you want to improve their relationship, maybe tell her he's fully supportive of the plan to stay where you are for her sake. Right now she must be thinking he only cares about himself and what works for him.

And I'm in agreement with PP – if your family are never going to accept him anyway, what does it matter if he comes to live with you?

InFiveMins · 28/09/2020 19:27

You came on here to ask for advice, you were given advice to put your DD first, but still you refuse to accept it. Yes, you should end the relationship with him, because your DD should come first. When she's an adult and has moved out you can date who you like, but for now, your daughter's needs come first - not him.

Okaro · 28/09/2020 19:33

Sorry but you need to get rid of a man that is not willing to move for you when you have a lot more reasons to stay where you are then he does.
Your daughter is 13 that’s teenage years with hormones all over the place, she needs her mum more then ever, moving her away from everything she knows to a place she doesn’t want to be is not fair on her.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 28/09/2020 19:34

Why can’t your fiancé move near you so she doesn’t have to give up her school and her friends?

TweeBree · 28/09/2020 19:36

Another 'please don't do this'. It's been 5 years and your daughter has no bond with this man? No friendship? Huge warning sign. Would you want to move in a man you didn't like?

You say you don't want to give up your relationship but that's what you'll be doing with your daughter if you force her to move in with a man she doesn't like.

Ideasplease322 · 28/09/2020 19:36

Find out what exactly it is she doesn’t like about him.

I can understand her not wanting to move, it’s a crap age to restart and make new friends.

How unpleasant can your family make things for you? Could you not put up with it for a few years until she goes to university then move to your ideal spot.

If he really is a keeper, he will put up with it for the sake of your daughters happiness.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/09/2020 19:36

Any ideas about how I can try to improve their relationship?

Putting any pressure on her to like your new partner is wrong, and also likely to backfire.

He should continue to be positive towards her and to make it clear that he likes her and wants to build their relationship. She may come around.

Thatbliddywoman · 28/09/2020 19:37

Doing this will destroy your relationship with your daughter OP. Possibly forevermore. It could also cause her a lifetime of self esteem issues 'I'm not important, what i want doesnt matter, my opinions and feelings mean nothing' trust me, I know. And that can lead to a terrible life for anyone. Dont do this

ivfbeenbusy · 28/09/2020 19:37

I wouldn't be happy if my mother uprooted my life for a man she has only ever been in a long distance relationship either. She doesn't know this man and neither do you for that matter. You've never lived together full time. A few days here and there isn't enough to fully know someone.

Pinkshrimp · 28/09/2020 19:38

We've already been together for five years. It will mean our chances of having children together will be slim to none

Your daughter is unhappy with your relationship and you are contemplating moving AND having children with him? You risk losing DD.

FamBae · 28/09/2020 19:38

Does your DD see much of her extended family or her father. It may be that she feels disloyal if she starts to build a relationship with your DP. I know it's hard to get a thirteen year old to open up but I thinks its time you had a frank conversation with her about how you both feel especially if in the future he moves in with you, take her out for dinner or go somewhere on neutral territory where she can't walk off and ask for her feedback on how you can all be happy an a grown up and adult way, it may not solve all the issues but at least she can see you value her opinion.... I wish you all the luck and happiness for the future [flowers}

FamBae · 28/09/2020 19:39

Bugger Flowers

Sparklesocks · 28/09/2020 19:39

I think someone else mentioned it but what about your son and his school, would moving mean being further away from where he lives?

FlyingByTheSeatof · 28/09/2020 19:41

All sounds a bit weird.

Stay where you are with DD it seems the safer option.

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 19:41

@Sparklesocks

I think someone else mentioned it but what about your son and his school, would moving mean being further away from where he lives?

It's not further away from my son's school. It will take the same amount of time to get there as it does from where I live now

OP posts:
LazyDaisy22 · 28/09/2020 19:43

@starryeyed19

I won't move whilst she feels like this. That's an absolute certainty.
Have you told her this OP? If not, please tell her now. She must be so worried.
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread