New partner, moving and DD13

[starryeyed19]

My partner and I have been together long distance for about five years and we got engaged last year. We have planned our wedding for April 2021.

My partner lives in a city about 100 miles away - it's always got lots of things going on and I'm a big fan.

My DD13 has never seemed particularly for or against my partner but has tolerated his visits and us going to him although she has lately been saying she doesn't want to go.

I've applied for a job down there and got it. She is absolutely refusing to move and has said that she didn't want to move and I was ruining her life. That she didn't like going there, she didn't really like him coming here and that she didn't really want us to get married.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to go. I don't think I can. But am I supposed to give everything up because of her refusal to go?

There's a lot of backstory so I am trying to cover the essentials here. I was married to her father for 16 years but it was an arranged marriage that I didn't really want to take part in and it was not a good time. Her younger brother also has quite severe autism and has moved to residential school about two years ago after a lot of heartache and trouble.

What do I do? I don't want to give up my relationship. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about postponing us living together until my daughter is OK with it or leaves home. What can I do to try and improve their relationship?

@Merryoldgoat

He can't really have conversations with her, it tends to be more "Do this, don't do that, dress this way" kind of thing.

Are you winding us up?

My apologies - I can see this was about her father and not your partner.

I was in a similar position, but I made it clear from the start that I would not be moving the kids away from their friends, school extended family & if he wanted to carry on the relationship he would have to move to me. He did, we married a couple of years later & once the kids were all grown & left home, we moved away a bit. I certainly wouldn’t move a 13yr old, crucial time in her education, after so much delay & upset over the last 6mths, bot to mention the loss of contact from extended family.

It’s a LDR! You don’t really know him! Crazy crazy crazy for thinking of moving away and marrying him. Plus, put your dd first.

If you've been going out with this man for 5 years and have been keeping it from your parents and have expected your daughter to do the same- I can totally understand why she doesn't like him. He's the reason she's had to lie/hide things from her grandparents who she is close to- she obviously knows they'll disapprove and subconsciously probably doesn't want to be be a part of any of it as she also realises the consequences of moving etc. She probably doesn't want to be NC with her grandparents/extended family. Maybe if you came clean to your family about your relationship your daughter will have more faith that her current family relationships won't just vanish.

And maybe it's not your partner she doesn't like, but rather the situation (having to keep his existence hidden) she's been forced into because of him?

And spending 16 year stuck in a marriage to someone I didn't want to be married to was sacrifice enough, thanks all the same

Ah well best sacrifice your daughters happiness now being stuck in a house with a man she doesn't like either.
If after 5 years she doesn't like him then he probably hasn't tried very hard to actually get to know her/he's a total tosser. And the fact that this has only come out now means you haven't tried very hard to find out in the past how she feels.

I honestly despair sometimes that women are so desperate for a dick they'll subject their kids to anything.

I think this thread is really misogynistic.

So not only do women get left holding the baby, they also then need to suppress any sense of self whatsoever, going as far as to refuse a new job and a new relationship if it means moving the child they love and care for 100 miles? All while the dads piss around leaving their best lives?

Personally I think it's better for a kid to grow up seeing their mum carving out the best she can for herself rather than sitting swaddled in a dressing gown constantly "self sacrificing" and "putting her daughter first"

@GoldfishParade

I think this thread is really misogynistic.

So not only do women get left holding the baby, they also then need to suppress any sense of self whatsoever, going as far as to refuse a new job and a new relationship if it means moving the child they love and care for 100 miles? All while the dads piss around leaving their best lives?

Personally I think it's better for a kid to grow up seeing their mum carving out the best she can for herself rather than sitting swaddled in a dressing gown constantly "self sacrificing" and "putting her daughter first"

No the dads are pieces of shit too. But these kids didn't ask for any of this and someone has to give enough of a shit. The dad being useless doesn't absolve the mother.

Kids aren't kids forever. Don't raise your children so their childhoods are something they have to recover from.

Put your daughter first, otherwise it’ll do irreparable damage to your relationship. She has been very brave opening up to you and telling you the truth about how she feels about your partner after all of this time. The fact that your partner won’t entertain the idea of moving to be closer to you is very telling as well.

It's only 5 years til she finishes school. Be her mum during that time and support her in her most important school years, her adolescence and her real growing up time. This is her time to be nurtured and grow into a young woman. Support this. See your boyfriend at evenings, perhaps see if he can move a bit closer, but can still retain what's important to him about his city and job, so you can see each other some evenings, just don't uproot or be anything other than 100% pro your DD, this is her time where you make a difference to her life, make that time good for her, this is her most important growing up time, right now

As for your family, stand up to them! If they can't accept a white catholic man tell them they're racist and that's unacceptable. Tell them the arranged marriage ruined your early adult life and you're fixing that and they need to accept it

Unbelievable a mother would take her child, uproot their life and move 100 miles to be nearer her partner. He should be moving nearer to YOU, to me that says everything about your relationship.

You will be harming your relationship with your daughter long term if you do this.

OMG you stay where you are. Poor DD.

This relationship has 0 chance of surviving. IMO.

Firstly, you are prepared to sacrifice your daughter’s happiness for your own gratification. Five years is nothing in the scheme of things, if this relationship is meant to last you will have the rest of your lives together once she leaves school.

Secondly, I think you’re deluded if you think that anyone will accept being their wife’s dirty little secret for the rest of their life because she doesn’t feel she can tell her family about him. And if you’re planning to keep him from your parents, what if you have children together? Do you expect them to grow up in the knowledge that they are a secret from their grandparents while their older sibling isn’t but also is expected to keep them a secret from their grandparents?

You run the risk of ending up with several extremely damaged children, a resentful partner, and being estranged from your family. Is that going to make you happy?

I think some posters need to RTFT - I've already said several times I will not be moving unless my daughter is OK with it. As she is not, we won't be.

The man who says "do this, do that " is the daughter's dad!! Not the boyfriend! Important point.

Read the posts properly.

@starryeyed19

I think some posters need to RTFT - I've already said several times I will not be moving unless my daughter is OK with it. As she is not, we won't be.

But you knew that when you started the thread and you were still considering going. How have anonymous posters changed your mind in a way you DD hadn’t?

Mumsnet - where cultural sensitivities meet sledgehammers.

You’re in a 5 year ‘secret’ relationship, which your DD presumably has to keep secret too. This is a highly dysfunctional situation for her (and you, and your DP). I think that’s the first problem I’d be looking to fix. I’d suggest getting some counseling to support you through the fallout as it’s liable to get worse before it gets better, and you need to be strong enough to put your kids first. Good luck

It must be something about 13 year olds. My fiancé & I are house hunting for our first home together in a different area, I've also just been offered a job there. All of my children except the 13 year old are really looking forward to the move. It's been a tough lesson for him but the world doesn't revolve around him & personality, I think it's poor parenting to give any child the impression that it does. Of course his happiness matters but our move is best for the family unit & it IS going to happen. We've sat & worked out some conditions which work for us all (frequently of visits back to the old area, extension of 'WiFi off time' in the evening to allow facetime with friends etc). Not that I expect the visits back to last that long, he'll soon make new friends & won't want to leave them to revisit the past. He's still not 100% happy but has now accepted that sometimes in life, compromise is required. It's also been a good opportunity for him to start seeing me as a human being with needs of my own, rather than 'just mum'. Good luck, you have a right to be happy & don't always have to put yourself last on your list of priorities.

@starryeyed19 that's understood, but the fact you had to actually went as far as getting a job and planning the move, then had to ask others what to do probably means it's not in your psyche so you could easily close your computer and revert back to putting your daughter last, not first

Good luck

@GarlicMonkey - the thing about 13 year olds is they're going through massive changes in their body, their mind and they're midst going through a whole stage of adolescence. Younger kids can cope with change easier, if you have older ones then you could possibly be putting yourself before their future prospects.
You chose to have a family, that means you put them first. If it's just your 13 year old who is upset, can he not live with your ex or any other local family members so his schooling can be unaffected?

After RTFT (and I wish more posters would do this, or even still, just read all of the OP's posts!) I would suggest you and your DD moving to the area where your partner lives, but living separately from him and see how that works out.

A 13 year old can not dictate a house move if it is what the adult she lives with has decided but her feelings about moving in with your partner absolutely should be taken into consideration.

If you were to move closer to your partner, maybe you could spend more time together as a 3, and see if they get on better.
If they do, great. Then consider moving in all together and then marriage
If not, you have moved closer to him and so can see him more easily/regularly than before, but the relationship is not forced upon your daughter

This is exactly why a BME sections needed - many posters don't get the seriousness of this situation because they don't come from the same background. The OP is Pakistani, has divorced her parents choice of husband. There is no concept of going no contact in our cultures, that is akin to murdering your own mother. What is also a huge issue that hasn't been mentioned is the impact not just of the relationship on the daughter, but the fact that he is someone who is culturally forbidden to the OP. Her daughter would have grown up with that ideology from extended family and community and the OP is trying to facilitate a better relationship between the two, when it seems neither want it. OP I think you need to be ok with the fact that your dd (who has had a fair bit of trauma already) isn't going to be ok with it.

Mumsnet - where cultural sensitivities meet sledgehammers. The cultural differences are relevant though and tbh are often why many relationships with differing cultures don’t work.

It’s one thing for the OP to acknowledge that her family won’t accept her new partner and that she has moved away from her culture. It’s quite another for everyone else to be on board with that. For the partner to have to accept that he will always be a secret, for further children to presumably be a secret, for the daughter to have to keep the new partner and even new siblings a secret, something which is certainly not guaranteed at thirteen.

If my child came home and said they wanted to marry someone who was adamant their family could never know about them as they would never be accepted I would tell them to run for the hills.

Anyone posting here that their partner kept them a secret from their family would be told to head for the hills. That doesn’t change, regardless of culture.

Could you spend a weekend in the city with just your DD, go and visit some schools and colleges. You say there is a lot going on there, and presumably more opportunities for her too? Reassure her she could have friends to come and stay, find some things to appeal to her in the city. Maybe ask her to try it, and you really need it, but if she hates it you can move back? Explain all the cultural problems with your relationship and that the move will be good for her too? Will there be better school and job opportunities for her there?