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AIBU?

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Original poster

New partner, moving and DD13

202 replies

starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 18:38

My partner and I have been together long distance for about five years and we got engaged last year. We have planned our wedding for April 2021.

My partner lives in a city about 100 miles away - it's always got lots of things going on and I'm a big fan.

My DD13 has never seemed particularly for or against my partner but has tolerated his visits and us going to him although she has lately been saying she doesn't want to go.

I've applied for a job down there and got it. She is absolutely refusing to move and has said that she didn't want to move and I was ruining her life. That she didn't like going there, she didn't really like him coming here and that she didn't really want us to get married.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to go. I don't think I can. But am I supposed to give everything up because of her refusal to go?

There's a lot of backstory so I am trying to cover the essentials here. I was married to her father for 16 years but it was an arranged marriage that I didn't really want to take part in and it was not a good time. Her younger brother also has quite severe autism and has moved to residential school about two years ago after a lot of heartache and trouble.

What do I do? I don't want to give up my relationship. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about postponing us living together until my daughter is OK with it or leaves home. What can I do to try and improve their relationship?

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 28/09/2020 22:43

I think you sound like a really good mum, thoughtful and concerned about your daughters feelings. Counselling is definitely a great idea. I’m sorry you had to deal with a forced marriage, it must have been terrible dealing with that. Well done for being able to leave and coming out the other side x

AllosaurusMum · 28/09/2020 22:58

Is this new job an improvement over your current job?

I’d move to the new town, but into my own place. I’m not letting a 13 yr olds friends dictate the rest of my life. I wouldn’t move in with the fiancé for at least a year after being in the same town and spending regular amounts of time together and making things more comfortable for my DD.

GoldfishParade · 28/09/2020 23:02

Nah. No 13 year old likes change. But change can be better than no change.
You have a new job and a chance to get away from toxic family. She has an opportunity to be a teenager in an exciting city. You're moving 100 miles away, it's hardly the other side of the planet.
I dont think a child should call the shots on this.
I would move to the city but not move in with him.

GoldfishParade · 28/09/2020 23:03

I just dont think a woman should have to end a steady five year relationship because her daughter doesnt want to move schools. The idea is ridiculous.

Potterpotterpotter · 28/09/2020 23:04

@GeorgiaGirl52

I see two options: 1.) Sit down with her and say "Darling, even though you know how bad my marriage was to your father and how happy I have been these last five years with Boyfriend, you win. I will give up my new good job and my boyfriend. I will stay here and work and clean the house while you have fun with your school friends for the next five years. Then when you are 18 and leave me I will be here alone because Boyfriend won't wait that long and I will be too old to have another child. If it is all right with you, maybe I could have a cat to keep me company?" 2.) Find an affordable boarding school and she won't have to live with you and Boyfriend. She can visit if she wants to on holidays or go home with friends. For those who don't recognize it, the above is sarcasm with a touch of truth. No 13-year-old wants to leave their friends but if that is the ONLY reason, if the Boyfriend is not abusive, she is not being dragged into a cult, etc. her mother deserves to have a life too.
Jesus Christ I hope you aren’t a mum. The grown adult that’s the bf can move closer. He’s not moving because he doesn’t want to, same as the daughter doesn’t want to.

DAUGHTER TRUMPS BF!!

Also..

And spending 16 year stuck in a marriage to someone I didn't want to be married to was sacrifice enough, thanks all the same

How is that your daughters fault that you were stuck in an arranged marriage ? She didn’t ask to be born! Least you could do is put her first considering she’s your daughter. Suck it up.

Or maybe think About the son you have put in residential and move closer to him considering you are happy to move away anyway.

Potterpotterpotter · 28/09/2020 23:06

@GoldfishParade

I just dont think a woman should have to end a steady five year relationship because her daughter doesnt want to move schools. The idea is ridiculous.
It’s not just schools... it’s her family, friends, her dad, her life and her home and she doesn’t even like the bf!

There is no reason he can’t move closer to them. A child’s needs trumps that of a grown man. If he loves the op then he can move.

GoldfishParade · 28/09/2020 23:12

Childs wants, not childs needs

Goosefoot · 28/09/2020 23:16

@aSofaNearYou

It's not just him not wanting to move here, I want to move there too. But I don't want to do it like this

I think this is key. It's not a popular opinion on here but personally I don't think children should get to dictate whether their parents move or not. It's a normal part of childhood. I would probably consider either giving her a bit more time to adjust, or living separately to him but in that town for a while so she doesn't interpret it as you just moving to be closer to him. Shift the focus to the other reasons you are moving the family.

Yes.

13 is a hard age, almost no kids want to move at that age. But they always have the same as other families when work, marriages, school, etc, meant that it was best for the family to move.

I would not consider 5 years jumping into something.

That being said, I think moving to the new town, but maybe putting off the marriage, might be a good option. To m the real difficulty I'd be concerned about is moving in with a step-dad or a step-mum is more significant than just moving.

Goosefoot · 28/09/2020 23:19

@MsEllany

Leaving aside the fact your daughter really doesn't want this - I think it is hugely risky to move 100 miles away to live with a man you haven't lived with before. And to think of having another baby is...a poor decision.

I don't think you should move. I think it could irreparably damage your relationship with your daughter, and the other foundations aren't particularly solid either.

There really isn't any evidence that living with someone before marriage improves outcomes. Five years is a long time to be in a relationship, it's not like they are rushing into things.
MrsJasonIsbell · 28/09/2020 23:35

Your children should always take priority over relationships OP. It's hard as single mothers/father's as we all want some love in our lives. It's not fair either but it's how it should be. Sending a hug though as I've been there x

seayork2020 · 28/09/2020 23:38

Moving in with a bloke where she still gets to be at the school, has the same friends etc. is one thing but uprooting her is on another level.

I am married but even we won't move from where we are till ds finishes school it is not fair on him

Put her first

Pembsgirl · 28/09/2020 23:44

I'm afraid I haven't read the full thread, but I selfishly put myself and my desires before those of my teenage daughter when she was 13, and this resulted in her teenage years being a complete disaster! She felt that my new man was far more important in the scheme of things than she was. At the time, I was scared that I'd lose this man that I'd fallen in love with, if we didn't move to be with him, so forced this move upon my child. With hindsight I can see that if he was in it for the long haul, which he was, as we're still together 28 years later, he would have waited, but I was selfish and have lived to regret what I put her through, so please don't make the same mistake with your daughter. As you grow older you'll realise, as I did, that your child is more important than any man, as you child will always be your child, but will this man always be YOUR man? Think about it! You have been warned!

Hamm87 · 28/09/2020 23:54

I would move to the City just not in with him your family sound toxic and you should get away from them move for you to improve your life and your child

diege · 29/09/2020 00:01

My current situation has parallels, and I do sympathise. I'm planning on a move in around 2 years time to live closer to my fiancé and also right next to work (I've had a 4.5 hr round commute for 13 years so it was always on the cards). We're planning of getting married after the move but living in separate houses for the sake of my kids' stability etc. The school moves are a huge issue for me, but regardless of dp I would have had to move at some point because of work . I agree with posters who have suggested moving but living separately to give dd stability and security.

lyralalala · 29/09/2020 00:11

If your family don't know about your boyfriend does that mean your DD has been keeping your secret for five years?

If she knows it's going to cause WWIII then no wonder she is against it. She likely knows it's going to cause trouble with your parents, who you've said she's close too, then she's probably nervous as hell about what's going to happen.

Will her father let you move her 100 miles away? Saying "My partner doesn't want to move" isn't going to cut it as a good reason if he applies for a Prohibited Steps Order.

wildcherries · 29/09/2020 00:13

I'd move if the job is an improvement over your current position but not in with him just yet.

Leobynature · 29/09/2020 00:13

It’s threads like this why a BAME section is needed. I understand as a Pakistani divorced woman why it would be very difficult to live in your current community with a white male who you are not married to.

Your daughter should come first but not at a cost to your own happiness. A compromise is needed, thats what being in a family is about. For example agree that you will move after her schooling, or allow her to choose the house and school in the new area.
Or sell it to her, what will this new city be able to provide her which your current area doesn’t (a bit like wanted down under). I think the pp’s are being very harsh, it’s not like you rushed this man into your life. Five years is a long time and it sounds like you have made a lot of compromises already. Good luck

Redruby25 · 29/09/2020 00:20

@starryeyed19 What it means is, you are not talking about an older teen who is causing utter chaos. And despite it being known for a good while, I guess now the time has actually come for it all to go ahead, your dd is really feeling it.
I agree this age is not a good time to move, she is in Secondary school right, and that is not usually a time most teens want to change from what they know.

What is her relationship like with her own father?

I don't think it is a case of just not doing whatever she doesn't like. But like someone else said your daughter comes before any man.

My mother did not take that view with my own father, and despite knowing all the things that were wrong, had the view that she would not throw her husband out for me, that, I have never forgotten. Now my situation was different to what yours is, but just giving it to you as an example.
It might not seem right to disrupt a relationship with a partner, but then why is it okay to do that to a child?!

Feelingconfused2020 · 29/09/2020 00:25

He can't really have conversations with her, it tends to be more "Do this, don't do that, dress this way" kind of thing

This isn't great OP. Have you really thought through having children with him? Why do you feel it's ok for him to dictate what she wears without any kind of relationship with her? He can't even hold a conversation with her?

Are you really sure you want to be with a man who can't be arsed with your daughter like this? After her dad has let her down she really needs you and, if any male, a really good make role model. Even if it were him moving in with you I would question whether it's fair if he's like this.

As for improving things between them I would say that's up to him, wouldn't you? I'm inclined to think if it's meant to be it just wouldn't be this hard. Sorry.

Redruby25 · 29/09/2020 00:31

@Aquamarine1029
Sorry I am not saying some of what has been said isn't right. But on the subject of family etc, it's easier said than done. Most are quite fortunate in English backgrounds for example to not have some of the ties and expectations etc and pressure placed on us.
For other cultures/religions etc it is very different and I have been around lots of these scenario's. For example one Pakistani family who disowned their daughter because of the non Pakistani partner she chose.

I have known some men have kids with women who are outside of the boundaries that would be expected, and asked said woman to abort children or have nothing to do with the child if the mother decides to go ahead with having baby.

BetsyBigNose · 29/09/2020 00:36

I really feel for you @starryeyed19, it seems an impossible situation.

My DM decided to move 45 minutes away with a new (9 months) boyfriend when I was just turned 17. I wasn't keen to move with her, but went on the promise of a (proper old banger!) of a car, which was exactly the right thing to bribe me with, when offered to me the day after passing my test. I commuted to college in the week, but at the weekends stayed at my Dad's place in the city we had lived in before.

The real issue came with my younger sister, who was 14 at the time. She hated DM's boyfriend (he hated her too - he was awful to her) and refused to move, choosing instead to move into our Dad's place. This decision decimated the relationship between my DM and Dsis, and even now, 25 years later, it still has not fully recovered.

I agree with PPs that your child must come first, but I also agree with others that you cannot allow your DD to dictate how you live your life. I don't know what the answer is, besides ensuring your DD knows how much you love her and that you will not make this life-changing decision without her input.

Counselling is an obvious starting off point. Perhaps talking through all the various scenarios (1. You and DD move to new city and live with DPartner 2. You and DD move to your own place 3. DP comes and moves into your current home 4. DP comes and lives in your city but in his own home etc...), so that you can drill down and work out exactly which elements are causing her the most concern (is it the moving cities? Is it leaving her friends? Is it living with your DP?) and go from there.

I think if I were in your shoes and was pushed to make a decision (bearing in mind I also have a 13 year old DD, so really do understand how your DD is reacting), then I would ask my DP to move to be closer to me (I know you say he isn't keen, but if he wants to be with you, I think this is the only option available to you right now), but to live in his own place while he and you work on building a good relationship between him and your DD. With him living close by, it would become more practical for you to consider having a baby with him, if you are both set on the idea. It's really important that you discuss the possibility of having a baby with your DP with your DD (your DS too, of course), to reassure her that she will never be pushed aside.

I don't envy you; this is such a tricky situation but you really must ensure that your DD feels involved in the decision-making process. I wish you the very best.

PickAChew · 29/09/2020 00:36

You want her to give up everything that she has. What's the difference?

Merryoldgoat · 29/09/2020 00:36

He can't really have conversations with her, it tends to be more "Do this, don't do that, dress this way" kind of thing.

Are you winding us up?

PickAChew · 29/09/2020 00:38

And why can't he move to you?

lyralalala · 29/09/2020 00:41

@Feelingconfused2020

He can't really have conversations with her, it tends to be more "Do this, don't do that, dress this way" kind of thing

This isn't great OP. Have you really thought through having children with him? Why do you feel it's ok for him to dictate what she wears without any kind of relationship with her? He can't even hold a conversation with her?

Are you really sure you want to be with a man who can't be arsed with your daughter like this? After her dad has let her down she really needs you and, if any male, a really good make role model. Even if it were him moving in with you I would question whether it's fair if he's like this.

As for improving things between them I would say that's up to him, wouldn't you? I'm inclined to think if it's meant to be it just wouldn't be this hard. Sorry.

That's about her DD's father is it not? When asked about their relationship if they move
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