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AIBU?

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Original poster

New partner, moving and DD13

202 replies

starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 18:38

My partner and I have been together long distance for about five years and we got engaged last year. We have planned our wedding for April 2021.

My partner lives in a city about 100 miles away - it's always got lots of things going on and I'm a big fan.

My DD13 has never seemed particularly for or against my partner but has tolerated his visits and us going to him although she has lately been saying she doesn't want to go.

I've applied for a job down there and got it. She is absolutely refusing to move and has said that she didn't want to move and I was ruining her life. That she didn't like going there, she didn't really like him coming here and that she didn't really want us to get married.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to go. I don't think I can. But am I supposed to give everything up because of her refusal to go?

There's a lot of backstory so I am trying to cover the essentials here. I was married to her father for 16 years but it was an arranged marriage that I didn't really want to take part in and it was not a good time. Her younger brother also has quite severe autism and has moved to residential school about two years ago after a lot of heartache and trouble.

What do I do? I don't want to give up my relationship. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about postponing us living together until my daughter is OK with it or leaves home. What can I do to try and improve their relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 19:02

@Ohalrightthen

He doesn't want to move, so he doesn't have to, but your daughter doesn't want to move and you're thinking about making her anyway?

Also, i can't believe i have to ask this, but why on earth have you agreed to marry a man you've never lived with!? That's daft when it's just you, but absolutely ludicrous when you have a child.

We have spent time together in the same house for periods of time but yeah, I know what you mean.

OP posts:
Boom45 · 28/09/2020 19:03

I think moving in with your partner when you have children that are not totally on board is one thing. Uprooting a 13 year old and moving her 100 miles from her school and friends for your relationship is a HUGE step that could potentially damage your relationship with her for many years. If it's worth it (and by that I mean if there are benefits beyond your marriage) then tread very carefully making the move.

Ohalrightthen · 28/09/2020 19:03

So the babies you might have with this man are more important than the teen you've already got?

katy1213 · 28/09/2020 19:04

How would you like to be forced to move in with a man you disliked? Well, from what you've said, that did happen - and you didn't like it. Wait until your daughter has finished school. If your fiancé doesn't like it, and doesn't think you're worth waiting for - better find out now than later.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/09/2020 19:04

My mum made me move 4 hours away when she remarried. I've never fully forgiven her for it.

Your DD should come first, not your own selfish wants. That's a sacrifice you have to make when you become a parent. I'm a single parent and I don't even date.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 28/09/2020 19:04

Oh my goodness. I can’t believe this - neither your partner or daughter want to move and you’re planning on prioritising your partner by overruling your daughter! This is a terrible decision at any point, but to a 13 year old girl with no siblings living at home with her, it must feel very frightening.

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2020 19:05

Where is the residential home of your younger son as well

WHy wont HE move - does he get what he is asking your 13 year old to do. She is in what year 8 or 9 moving school will be tough. Have you looked into what school she could get (if she definitely would get one there is an awful story on here where they moved and couldnt get a place)

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 28/09/2020 19:06

Maybe she thinks if you move there and have kids with the partner you will be trying to get rid of her as they will be your priority and also your partner may not treat her the same as any of his own children.

He should really be moving to you so you can show your daughter that you are putting her physical and emotional needs above your own. Which is what a good parent would do.

katy1213 · 28/09/2020 19:06

And I'm sure the very last thing your daughter needs is for you to start a new family!

IHateCoronavirus · 28/09/2020 19:07

Could he move to you for the five years till dd is old enough to make her own mind up? Then you agree to move back to his city?

FelicityPike · 28/09/2020 19:08

“He doesn’t want to”........well that’s just fucking tough!
Your CHILD is 13 and doesn’t want to move, she comes first! Not some almost random.

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 19:08

Him moving here is not a great idea because of my family's reaction to our relationship is not going to be good.

I am taking on board what you are saying. And as for starting a new family, it's something we have talked about but not something that is set in stone

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 28/09/2020 19:10

So after being “together” for FIVE years, your extended family don’t know about your relationship?

BrumBoo · 28/09/2020 19:11

So to clarify, you want to uproot your teenage daughter away from her friends and family, make her move in with a bloke she's not particularly keen on and you will probably instantly start on making babies with him, which will be great for an already pissed off, alienated teen.

Sounds like a great plan! Let us know how it works out.

pointythings · 28/09/2020 19:12

Uprooting your DD like this would be absolutely selfish. I get your extended family wouldn't like your DP, but that is their problem - you need to get your big girl pants on and stand up to them. Either that, or you wait.

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 19:12

@FelicityPike

So after being “together” for FIVE years, your extended family don’t know about your relationship?

No, they don't. My family are Pakistani and my partner is a white Catholic. There is no scenario in which they will be OK with us being together

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/09/2020 19:12

Your child comes first. Stop prioritising a man before your daughter. You can continue your relationship long distance for a few more years. It is cruel to take her away as she has had so much on her plate

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2020 19:12

Him moving here is not a great idea because of my family's reaction to our relationship is not going to be good.

Perhaps grow a backbone and live your own life and stop caring what your family think? You're a grown woman, aren't you? It's ridiculous that you allow them to control you like this, to the extent where you are willing to tear your daughter's life apart just to get away from them. Total madness.

Boobissue · 28/09/2020 19:13

Him moving here is not a great idea because of my family's reaction to our relationship is not going to be good.

Exactly what difference will it make?

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 19:13

@BrumBoo

So to clarify, you want to uproot your teenage daughter away from her friends and family, make her move in with a bloke she's not particularly keen on and you will probably instantly start on making babies with him, which will be great for an already pissed off, alienated teen.

Sounds like a great plan! Let us know how it works out.

I'm trying to find a way to make this OK to everyone. I didn't know she felt this way about everything. And now I do, I'm trying to figure out what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 28/09/2020 19:14

If they won't be happy about it anyway, why does it matter where you are? If they're a physical threat, call the police.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2020 19:14

No, they don't. My family are Pakistani and my partner is a white Catholic. There is no scenario in which they will be OK with us being together

That's what you call an "Oh well!" situation. Them not accepting your partner is their problem, not yours. They don't have to be "ok" with it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/09/2020 19:15

And I simply cant believe you are planning on having more kids with this man? Does he have kids? You sure you want kids? Youve never lived with him, hes not moving for you. He is ok uprooting your childs life for his sake, What kind of a man does this?
You are both being selfish here. your poor daughter, wonder how she feels that her own mum cant understand how she feels

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2020 19:16

Would he move then if you wanted him to its your family standing in your way and who are holding you back?

Then you need to put your daughter and partner first and let go of your family (unless you fear them)

BrumBoo · 28/09/2020 19:16

@starryeyed19, yes but its not about everyone, is it? Its about your daughter, who doesn't need or want to be part of your silly Romeo and Juliet imaginings. Put her first, if hes a good man he'll understand.

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