New partner, moving and DD13

[starryeyed19]

My partner and I have been together long distance for about five years and we got engaged last year. We have planned our wedding for April 2021.

My partner lives in a city about 100 miles away - it's always got lots of things going on and I'm a big fan.

My DD13 has never seemed particularly for or against my partner but has tolerated his visits and us going to him although she has lately been saying she doesn't want to go.

I've applied for a job down there and got it. She is absolutely refusing to move and has said that she didn't want to move and I was ruining her life. That she didn't like going there, she didn't really like him coming here and that she didn't really want us to get married.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to go. I don't think I can. But am I supposed to give everything up because of her refusal to go?

There's a lot of backstory so I am trying to cover the essentials here. I was married to her father for 16 years but it was an arranged marriage that I didn't really want to take part in and it was not a good time. Her younger brother also has quite severe autism and has moved to residential school about two years ago after a lot of heartache and trouble.

What do I do? I don't want to give up my relationship. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about postponing us living together until my daughter is OK with it or leaves home. What can I do to try and improve their relationship?

I have told her @LazyDaisy22 but I will be telling her again

I think I disagree with most of these posters. I see both sides, but ultimately her daughter is 13, she is a child and it is for the parent to make the best decisions for the whole family, including herself. I had to move away from my friends a few times when I was younger because my dad changed jobs, I didn't get to dictate what the family did even though it was a bit rubbish for me. I know it's not quite the same but OP has a new job and the chance for them all to make a fresh start, sounds like it would do them all good to get some distance from her family too.

You put your daughter first. You are allowed a relationship but it would be beyond selfish to uproot a teenager to a new city and take her away from the only family and friends she has because you want to avoid confrontation with your family.

Any ideas about how I can try to improve their relationship?

It's been 5 years. It's not going to happen.

We've already been together for five years. It will mean our chances of having children together will be slim to none

I think he needs to move to you in the short term for your relationship to continue. No reason why you can’t look to move again in five or so years’ time.

Of your parents won’t accept your relationship with him, I doubt it will matter where you live as things between you will possibly result in you being no contact anyway. You could always move locally if you don’t want them to know where you live.

@InFiveMins

You came on here to ask for advice, you were given advice to put your DD first, but still you refuse to accept it. Yes, you should end the relationship with him, because your DD should come first. When she's an adult and has moved out you can date who you like, but for now, your daughter's needs come first - not him.

What thread are you reading InFiveMins

Your child always comes first.

f they won't be happy about it anyway, why does it matter where you are? If they're a physical threat, call the police.

Because the police are so useful at protecting minority women from physical threats.

OP, I get it. I can imagine how torn you must be. You are right to put your daughter first, but I hope you can keep your relationship.

@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse

I think I disagree with most of these posters. I see both sides, but ultimately her daughter is 13, she is a child and it is for the parent to make the best decisions for the whole family, including herself. I had to move away from my friends a few times when I was younger because my dad changed jobs, I didn't get to dictate what the family did even though it was a bit rubbish for me. I know it's not quite the same but OP has a new job and the chance for them all to make a fresh start, sounds like it would do them all good to get some distance from her family too.

How is it the best decision for the family to move them all 100s of miles with a man they have never lived with before??

Forget the boyfriend. Put your child first!

Children don’t ask to be born, and they aren’t just there to be dragged along for the ride in your own life, you need to prioritise her until she’s an adult.
This means not moving her from all she knows so you can fulfil your own wants and needs.
I can’t believe you need to ask tbh, it’s beyond selfish. There’s more to life than men ffs.

I also disagree, she's a child, she doesn't get to dictate your life to you. Really this is why we have so many self absorbed fragile young adults atm. They've never had to do anything for anyone else.

She's young, she'll make more friends, probably have a better social life and career opportunities as she gets older if it's a more vibrant city anyway.

Also I have a lot of friends in the Pakistani community, one of which is currently dealing with the backlash of this same type of relationship. I don't blame you for one second for wanting to get away from it.

Put her first, your child is 100% more important than your partner, you can’t just make her leave everything she knows to live 100 miles away for a man she’s not here or therefore, if they had a brilliant relationship then it would be a lot different

Dsis and I were dragged around the country like baggage following my dm’s love life.

I’m glad you’ve realised where your priorities lie. This could well damage her emotionally forever

You want to know how to improve their relationship...well, what does your daughter say? What exactly is it about him that she can't warm to? Allow for the fact that she's 13 and may not be able to articulate it or even understand fully herself what it is, but try to see it from her perspective. How would she feel if he moved to you? Is it the move or him? How does she actually feel and what's troubling her?

It's not just him not wanting to move here, I want to move there too. But I don't want to do it like this

I think this is key. It's not a popular opinion on here but personally I don't think children should get to dictate whether their parents move or not. It's a normal part of childhood. I would probably consider either giving her a bit more time to adjust, or living separately to him but in that town for a while so she doesn't interpret it as you just moving to be closer to him. Shift the focus to the other reasons you are moving the family.

We've already been together for five years. It will mean our chances of having children together will be slim to none

Sorry OP but with one son in residential care and a teenage daughter, I wouldn't be thinking about having more children.

My OH has a teenage dd. We're now both too old to want more children (well he's not, but he doesn't want them) which does make the decision somewhat easier for us. Basically I know his daughter comes first and if we do move in together it probably won't be until she's a young adult. This is just the way it is when you date someone who already has children.

I think you need a very serious talk with your partner about what he wants from the relationship and whether realistically you can provide that. If he wants marriage and children in the next 2-3 years, maybe this isn't the right relationship for him. If he is prepared to wait for you and doesn't want children, it may well be fine.

You have to work on their relationship before you do anything. She's 13, her life has changed so much & you're trying to take her away from everything she knows, friends, family, her brother. She's told you she doesn't like the place. You have to put her first.

It's not a popular opinion on here but personally I don't think children should get to dictate whether their parents move or not.

I agree, children should not dictate, parents however have a responsibility to do what is in the best interests of their children.

I also disagree, she's a child, she doesn't get to dictate your life to you. Really this is why we have so many self absorbed fragile young adults atm.

I'm fragile because if my experiences in similar situation. So are many many others. Moving isn't always for the best.

Oh, and I'm not even a young adult. I'm still fragile in my 40's.

All this talk about "letting children dictate" is rubbish. Some people like to kid themselves that throwing children into a stepfamily situation is a good thing, more often than not it isn't and it's just all about what the adults want.

It’s quite different saying ‘I’m moving us to another part of the country for a fresh start’ to ‘we’re moving to be with my fiancé who we’ve never lived with and you don’t get on with’.

Move to the area if you like, but the idea you’re engaged to someone to he never lived with whom your child doesn’t especially get on with is ridiculous.

How you can consider further children when the one you have is so ill-considered is beyond me.

Yet another selfish woman putting a man before her child

Any ideas about how I can try to improve their relationship?

I would work on your relationship with her first.

Makes sure she knows that her wellbeing is your priority and you won't force her to move away with you, either now or in the future.

You've made the right decision not to pull rank on her but there's no need to end the relationship or to allow her to control how much you see of him. There does need to be an element of negotiation and communication which may not be there at the moment. Make plans together for when he will visit you, when you will visit him and when you and she will visit together. Talk about how to make it easier for her to go with you and help her to understand how important that time with him is for you.

Focus on building trust and communication between you first and foremost so that you have a good secure relationship that can withstand the difference in your needs and wishes.