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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New partner, moving and DD13

202 replies

starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 18:38

My partner and I have been together long distance for about five years and we got engaged last year. We have planned our wedding for April 2021.

My partner lives in a city about 100 miles away - it's always got lots of things going on and I'm a big fan.

My DD13 has never seemed particularly for or against my partner but has tolerated his visits and us going to him although she has lately been saying she doesn't want to go.

I've applied for a job down there and got it. She is absolutely refusing to move and has said that she didn't want to move and I was ruining her life. That she didn't like going there, she didn't really like him coming here and that she didn't really want us to get married.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to go. I don't think I can. But am I supposed to give everything up because of her refusal to go?

There's a lot of backstory so I am trying to cover the essentials here. I was married to her father for 16 years but it was an arranged marriage that I didn't really want to take part in and it was not a good time. Her younger brother also has quite severe autism and has moved to residential school about two years ago after a lot of heartache and trouble.

What do I do? I don't want to give up my relationship. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about postponing us living together until my daughter is OK with it or leaves home. What can I do to try and improve their relationship?

OP posts:
Proudling · 28/09/2020 20:34

Just put her first and mean it.

The damage you can do to her here is immense.

Poppinjay · 28/09/2020 20:34

Yet another selfish woman putting a man before her child

That's a shit thing to say when the OP has made it clear that she won't force her DD to move.

Proudling · 28/09/2020 20:34

Also if your fiancé can’t accept you putting DD first then he’s no keeper.

1Morewineplease · 28/09/2020 20:44

Why are you scared of your family's reaction to his moving in?
Your child trumps over your need to run away to live with someone else and disrupt her schooling and her losing her friends.
Think you need to keep this relationship long distance until your child is fully settled.

aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2020 20:45

I agree, children should not dictate. Parents, however, have a responsibility to do what is in the best interests of their children

Children almost always say they don't want to move, because they don't like change and generally have some friends from a young age they don't want to leave, but these aren't things I would put above improving their quality of life knowing those friendships are not likely to be long standing. Sometimes a decision to move is made anyway, whether it be because of the adults work or the prospects they perceive to be better in that town. OP has mentioned that she is keen on the idea of living in that city, which I do think is fair enough - I have actively chosen to live in a vibrant city to improve my daughter's experience growing up. Children don't always know best about what is in their best interests.

On top of that, the toxic situation with OPs family makes it reasonable that she would want to move the family away, in my opinion.

I said in my previous comment that moving straight in with him, and presenting the move as FOR him, would not ge a good move. But in terms of simply moving to a different town, yes I do think that is the mother's decision to make.

Weepingwillows12 · 28/09/2020 20:46

I think people are being harsh to op. It's not unreasonable to want to move a 5 year relationship on to the next stage. I imagine any move is scary to a 13 year old so agree on spending some quality time with your daughter to see if it's really the move or actually him she doesnt like. If she has been around him and not complained until now then I would bet it's the move but you need to talk to her and take it slow. If hes a decent person, he will understand.

I dont think you need to end your relationship but you might need to slow it down again for a bit.

MsEllany · 28/09/2020 20:47

Leaving aside the fact your daughter really doesn't want this - I think it is hugely risky to move 100 miles away to live with a man you haven't lived with before. And to think of having another baby is...a poor decision.

I don't think you should move. I think it could irreparably damage your relationship with your daughter, and the other foundations aren't particularly solid either.

DameFanny · 28/09/2020 20:50

How does your DD feel about her extended family OP? Is she close to your parents? How does she feel about staying close to the culture? Could you increase her positivity about fiancé by associating him with increased freedom? I'm expressing myself badly, but there's a lot going on right now and she's going to be being pulled between cultures AND religions as well as the distance issue. Have you unpicked it with her?

crumpet · 28/09/2020 20:53

Has your dd has to keep your relationship a secret from the wider family for 5 years? That is a huge amount of pressure to put on a child

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 20:55

There were various scenarios involved, some of which included us living in the same city as my partner but not in the same house etc...

I am taking all of your comments on board and right now the most important thing for me is to try and talk to my daughter and find out what she's really feeling. I might see how she feels about is going to counselling together to see if that might help her articulate what's going on or give me some tips on how to be more approachable to her

Thank you for your comments but the people calling me selfish and irresponsible need to dial it back. I've taken my daughter's views on board when she expressed them to me. We won't be moving until/unless she is OK with it. And spending 16 year stuck in a marriage to someone I didn't want to be married to was sacrifice enough, thanks all the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 20:57

@DameFanny

How does your DD feel about her extended family OP? Is she close to your parents? How does she feel about staying close to the culture? Could you increase her positivity about fiancé by associating him with increased freedom? I'm expressing myself badly, but there's a lot going on right now and she's going to be being pulled between cultures AND religions as well as the distance issue. Have you unpicked it with her?

She's quite close to my parents and she has two cousins that she gets on very well with. Our experiences of our family differ wildly. I didn't have grandparents around growing up and my parents were a lot stricter with me (obviously) than they are with their grandchildren. It's lovely that they have that relationship but I do have to play defence quite often

OP posts:
Reddog1 · 28/09/2020 21:00

Put it on hold for 2.5 years until she has done her GCSEs maybe? By then, she may be willing to start sixth form in a new city. If your boyfriend is a decent man, he’ll allow you this time.

Forget about your family. Don’t worry about what they think.

BiggestJulie · 28/09/2020 21:00

I completely agree with @iftherewereahorseyinthehouse.

DameFanny · 28/09/2020 21:08

Counselling sounds like a good plan. Had you thought about how to enable her relationship with her father? He may not be able to facilitate overnights, but still should be in her life - and I'm guessing won't have the funds for the 100 mile trip very often

OhCaptain · 28/09/2020 21:13

@starryeyed19 aside from your dd, it is utter MADNESS to move in with a man with whom you’ve never lived.

5 years long distance is not the same as five years of proper time spent with someone. I don’t care what anyone says.

You don’t really know him. You can’t know what he’s like to live with.

And I don’t care about the possible anecdotes coming my way of how it’s worked for a poster’s cousin’s friend or whatever.

16 years married with 2 dc means you must be an adult. But you’re not sounding like a sensible one right now.

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 28/09/2020 21:14

@DameFanny

Counselling sounds like a good plan. Had you thought about how to enable her relationship with her father? He may not be able to facilitate overnights, but still should be in her life - and I'm guessing won't have the funds for the 100 mile trip very often

I've tried organising regular times and days for them to be together but neither of them stick to it. She doesn't want to go there. He doesn't really take her out anywhere and is quite autocratic. He can't really have conversations with her, it tends to be more "Do this, don't do that, dress this way" kind of thing.

It's entirely up to them when and how often they see each other

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 28/09/2020 21:15

I would have moved when dd started high school. I think you have missed your boat

Waveysnail · 28/09/2020 21:17

Could you afford to move into your own place near his? Would this help?

IseeIsee · 28/09/2020 21:52

The problem here is that a lot of posters may not understand your culture. I can't say I do either but when you are expected to marry someone just to please your parents then it is clear that children's opinions don't mean much. Your initial posts were very much in this vein although they have changed.

DameFanny · 28/09/2020 21:57

Poor kid - you're in danger of driving her into your parents' arms right now. I'm absolutely not saying that this is how it is, but I can imagine a 13yo whose father can't be bothered with her and who's brother needed residential care seeing her mother want to start a new life and feeling like she doesn't matter to anyone. NOT saying that's the case but she's 13, it'll feel like that. And your parents would offer the stability which comes from extended family, deep rooted religion, a wagon-circling that can come with immigrant communities. So you have to be careful, and I'm so sorry because you've clearly had a really shit time, but the fairytale has to go on hold for a bit.

Are you able to work the new job remotely? How does fiancé feel about DD's unwillingness? I guess what I'm asking is - how much time do you have?

Notcoolmum · 28/09/2020 21:59

It would seem to make sense if your Bf could move to be nearer to you. That way he can spend more time with you and your DD and they can get to know each other. But in his own home so she can feel comfortable as they get to know each other.

Then maybe you can all reassess when she gets to the next stage. She would be giving up a lot moving away from her dad, school, friends, cousins and grandparents. I can see it must be very hard living with your parents disapproval. How would this manifest?

My DC, 16, doesn't like my BF being here. I only have him here 1/2 a week and with as little impact on my DC as possible. But I would also like to develop a relationship between them which is a bit tricky. My DC wouldn't do a meal or a trip out so hard to engineer. But I need them to feel comfortable in their home and know they come first. Whilst I am also entitled to an adult life.

Readandwalk · 28/09/2020 22:00

There's never a right time to move for children. Yes in an ideal world children grow up with parents who love each other in a community that has continuity. But you have a right to happiness too.

Thurmanmurman · 28/09/2020 22:05

You're prioritising a man over your daughter. Sorry YABU.

newnameforthis123 · 28/09/2020 22:14

I think if you focus on working on your relationship with DD, even if that means reducing the amount of time you spend with DP just for a while, it will help her feel more secure and safe which may in turn help her feel less threatened by the relationship and more accepting of DP if he's a nice guy and not combative / competitive with her for your attention.

Focus on her at the moment and everything else will grow if the relationship is right. Sit down with her, massive cuddle, tell her you've listened to her and because you want her to feel safe and loved particularly after you've both been through a lot, you are absolutely not moving at the moment. 100% absolutely not. As she needs that reassurance.

13 is such a pivotal age for any child, she needs you to help her feel secure and safe.

It's really good you've listened to people on here who have been in her position as kids, I think that is great.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/09/2020 22:24

I see two options:
1.) Sit down with her and say "Darling, even though you know how bad my marriage was to your father and how happy I have been these last five years with Boyfriend, you win. I will give up my new good job and my boyfriend. I will stay here and work and clean the house while you have fun with your school friends for the next five years. Then when you are 18 and leave me I will be here alone because Boyfriend won't wait that long and I will be too old to have another child. If it is all right with you, maybe I could have a cat to keep me company?"
2.) Find an affordable boarding school and she won't have to live with you and Boyfriend. She can visit if she wants to on holidays or go home with friends.
For those who don't recognize it, the above is sarcasm with a touch of truth. No 13-year-old wants to leave their friends but if that is the ONLY reason, if the Boyfriend is not abusive, she is not being dragged into a cult, etc. her mother deserves to have a life too.

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