AIBU partner lied about being at work

[Laurr]

I have a 9 week old baby so I am a bit tired and emotional (maybe?)
My partner is self employed tradesman, steady work but sometimes busier than others.
I am on mat leave.
Yesterday we spoke about his day today and he told me he had a busy day in Manchester and had a deadline for completing a job by Monday. Manchester is an hour away. I encouraged him to get an early night after he came home in preparation.
This morning baby had slept through for the first time... until 8am!
So we were up later than usual, he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower (baby has been fussy and a bit unwell since vaccinations a few days ago). I said no, because of his busy day and encouraged him to go to work and have a good day etc.
We text a few times during the day but didn't talk specifics about where he was etc and we were in contact a bit less than usual but I didn't think anything of it, for example he usually sends me a 'just got to the job hope the baby is settled, have you managed to get him to nap etc ' type of text. But he didn't and I didn't think anything just that he was busy and sent him a pic of baby.
So I noticed that something I had been wanting for a while was on sale local to where he was and asked if he nipped out would he collect it if it was convenient when he was getting food or something but fine if not, he was really receptive of this and said he would get it.
Fast forward to 5pm and he texts me saying he is collecting what I asked for.
6pm texts to say he has got it
6:15pm says he is stuck in traffic. I never asked for any of these updates, wasn't like I was hassling him or anything.
He arrives home at half 9.
Honestly it's only since looking back I've noticed the timeline as I was busy with baby.

So (sorry if this is dragging on)

He comes in the house and I thank him for getting item and he says 'when we picked it up'. And I notice the 'we' he knows I've noticed and he looks like a deer in the headlights.
I ask about this and he says. 'Yeah my brother. I picked him up on the way'
Now his brother lives about a 25 minute drive out of the way of where he said he was working and nowhere near where I asked him to go.
When I pointed this out he got defensive and said he was working at a different location to what he had said, in which case the errand I had asked him to run would ha e meant him going an hour out of his way and a further detour to collect his brother.
Makes no sense already.
I press him, in a non aggressive way to ask him what really went on today.
He got really defensive and said I was trying to stop him seeing his brother (not even remotely true and no backstory regarding this, me and his brother get on well and see him regularly) and was rude to me and basically said I was being controlling.
I explained that it wasn't about control it was about being lied to.
He came back with a present for me ?
Oh and he usually wears work clothes that show clear signs that he has been at work, he wasn't wearing these, I just didn't notice this morning.

So basically I'm being cheated on right?
Was the present guilt?
Did he just want a day away from me and baby?

And he's done a few 'all nighters' at work recently because he was being due to taking additional days off to spend time with baby.
Or so I thought

Aibu =
Yes you are being controlling it's non of your business what he does
No - he is up to something/ out of order

[GoldfishParade]

Why do you automatically think cheating? He sounds like a nice guy, is there a backstory?

I would think a full Monty style situation aka embarrassed to tell you there's no work coming in?

[Fairymaryprincess]

Oh dear I think its unlikely to be the news that you want, has he admitted not actually working at all or has he said where he and brother were all day supposedly?

[FlorenceNightshade]

How’s your relationship normally? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your partner where he’s been, especially if it appears he’s changed his story.

I guess it comes down to trust. Do you trust him?

[Laurr]

@GoldfishParade

Why do you automatically think cheating? He sounds like a nice guy, is there a backstory?

I would think a full Monty style situation aka embarrassed to tell you there's no work coming in?

There is definitely work coming in i am aware of our finances just not the ins and outs of his booked jobs

[LaurieFairyCake]

All nighters at work?

Yeah, right - gaming? Drinking? Out on the lash?

Who knows whether he's cheating 🤷‍♀️ - we just know he's not working

[Laurr]

@Fairymaryprincess

Oh dear I think its unlikely to be the news that you want, has he admitted not actually working at all or has he said where he and brother were all day supposedly?

He said he went to his brothers to get some tools for the job and they decided they couldn't be bothered to go to work (the supposed urgent big job) so stayed at his.

[MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly]

Call his brother - then you'll know for sure who he was with.

[Laurr]

@FlorenceNightshade

How’s your relationship normally? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your partner where he’s been, especially if it appears he’s changed his story.

I guess it comes down to trust. Do you trust him?

Honestly until tonight I never thought anything about his behaviour that would make me not trust him. He's been different with me in the past few weeks but I thought it was just being tired because of baby

[FlorenceNightshade]

I think you just need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Ask him what you want to ask him and take it from there. You won’t know until you ask

[Fairymaryprincess]

But if he wasn't wearing work clothes he's already planned not to go to work so why would he be needing the tools? It doesn't ring true but only you will know what your gut feeling is and I'd trust it over him on this.

[Guiltypleasures001]

You can check his sat nav in his van or car op see what address was input maybe

[KickAssAngel]

If it was spur of the moment to stay at his brother's he would have been in his work wear, but you said he didn't wear those clothes today. He knew he wouldn't be working.
If it was just this one day I'd assume he wanted a lazy day at his brothers and didn't want to admit it. But you say he's been staying away overnight. That really doesn't look good. I'm sorry.

[Laurr]

@Fairymaryprincess

But if he wasn't wearing work clothes he's already planned not to go to work so why would he be needing the tools? It doesn't ring true but only you will know what your gut feeling is and I'd trust it over him on this.

He said he got some new overalls... sounds like complete crap.
He got annoyed and said I was interrogating him.

[Laurr]

@KickAssAngel

If it was spur of the moment to stay at his brother's he would have been in his work wear, but you said he didn't wear those clothes today. He knew he wouldn't be working.
If it was just this one day I'd assume he wanted a lazy day at his brothers and didn't want to admit it. But you say he's been staying away overnight. That really doesn't look good. I'm sorry.

@KickAssAngel
It just didn't raise my suspicions before today when I knew that he had lied about where he was. Now it seems like I have been being too trusting maybe

[FlorenceNightshade]

@Laurr maybe he did feel like you were interrogating him but he should still listen to your worries and frankly, should want to “clear his name”.

[Laurr]

[quote FlorenceNightshade]@Laurr maybe he did feel like you were interrogating him but he should still listen to your worries and frankly, should want to “clear his name”.[/quote]
He's just being really defensive and stormed off. They was he is speaking to me is very out of character and quite nasty. Though he has been more sharp and less loving and generally just not as nice in the past few weeks

[Pashola]

I would bet my house he's cheating and he's a gaslighting asshole as well.
Sorry OP

[Laurr]

@Pashola

I would bet my house he's cheating and he's a gaslighting asshole as well.
Sorry OP

@Pashola
I feel like I've lost my mind. I'm surely not out of order for thinking it's not normal to lie about where you are for the day and be gone from morning until 9:30pm
He's angry at me!

[LeSquigh]

Could he just be “getting away from it all”? Could he be saying he’s working and actually just getting a bit of me time. Obviously that would be really selfish too but maybe another explanation. It’s really full in when you first have a baby isn’t it? Could it be a shock to the system and didn’t realise what he was in for and he’s having secret breaks?

Sorry I might be clutching at straws but if there’s no other reason to suspect cheating then maybe it’s not. Also, and don’t take this the wrong way, but we can be very emotional/hormonal after having a baby and sometimes we jump to conclusions that we may not with an otherwise straighter mind.

I do hope there’s another explanation for this.

[Laurr]

@LeSquigh

Could he just be “getting away from it all”? Could he be saying he’s working and actually just getting a bit of me time. Obviously that would be really selfish too but maybe another explanation. It’s really full in when you first have a baby isn’t it? Could it be a shock to the system and didn’t realise what he was in for and he’s having secret breaks?

Sorry I might be clutching at straws but if there’s no other reason to suspect cheating then maybe it’s not. Also, and don’t take this the wrong way, but we can be very emotional/hormonal after having a baby and sometimes we jump to conclusions that we may not with an otherwise straighter mind.

I do hope there’s another explanation for this.

@LeSquigh
Honestly that was my first thought and why I approached it in such a calm way expecting him to say 'sorry yeah I just needed a me day, it's been really hard hasn't it' but no he was completely unreceptive and defensive.
Then he said something like
'Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you'
I asked what he meant, no answer, they he said I wasn't nice. I never mentioned cheating

[Cheetahfajita]

I would ask him straight.

[Laurr]

@Guiltypleasures001

You can check his sat nav in his van or car op see what address was input maybe

He uses his phone. I have never had his password

[notapizzaeater]

I'd be more concerned about him telling lies and digging in deeper.

[Notapheasantplucker]

This doesn't sound good. I think he's cheating, there are so many red flags here.

[12309845653ghydrvj]

Wow.

Firstly OP you sound totally lovely, so nice and undertaking and helpful! He’s so lucky to have you—you seem to go out of your way to make him happy and to be a good partner, even at such a stressful time.

I’d normally think cut people a bit of slack at this time but it sounds like you already put loads of effort in to make sure he gets time off, so I really don’t think there is any interpretation of this where you’re putting pressure on him.

Unless there’s a backstory here I doubt he’s cheating—most likely just bunked off with his brother for the day? Saw an opportunity to take a lads day and probably out on a couple of deck chairs? Then panicked and lied to you, and got defensive...

I don’t know, I hope it’s something like that. Men can be bad at saying they’re feeling under pressure, or discuss adjusting to parenthood—maybe he was doing something like this with his brother and feels weird about telling you?