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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU partner lied about being at work

180 replies

Laurr · 26/09/2020 23:54

I have a 9 week old baby so I am a bit tired and emotional (maybe?)
My partner is self employed tradesman, steady work but sometimes busier than others.
I am on mat leave.
Yesterday we spoke about his day today and he told me he had a busy day in Manchester and had a deadline for completing a job by Monday. Manchester is an hour away. I encouraged him to get an early night after he came home in preparation.
This morning baby had slept through for the first time... until 8am!
So we were up later than usual, he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower (baby has been fussy and a bit unwell since vaccinations a few days ago). I said no, because of his busy day and encouraged him to go to work and have a good day etc.
We text a few times during the day but didn't talk specifics about where he was etc and we were in contact a bit less than usual but I didn't think anything of it, for example he usually sends me a 'just got to the job hope the baby is settled, have you managed to get him to nap etc ' type of text. But he didn't and I didn't think anything just that he was busy and sent him a pic of baby.
So I noticed that something I had been wanting for a while was on sale local to where he was and asked if he nipped out would he collect it if it was convenient when he was getting food or something but fine if not, he was really receptive of this and said he would get it.
Fast forward to 5pm and he texts me saying he is collecting what I asked for.
6pm texts to say he has got it
6:15pm says he is stuck in traffic. I never asked for any of these updates, wasn't like I was hassling him or anything.
He arrives home at half 9.
Honestly it's only since looking back I've noticed the timeline as I was busy with baby.

So (sorry if this is dragging on)

He comes in the house and I thank him for getting item and he says 'when we picked it up'. And I notice the 'we' he knows I've noticed and he looks like a deer in the headlights.
I ask about this and he says. 'Yeah my brother. I picked him up on the way'
Now his brother lives about a 25 minute drive out of the way of where he said he was working and nowhere near where I asked him to go.
When I pointed this out he got defensive and said he was working at a different location to what he had said, in which case the errand I had asked him to run would ha e meant him going an hour out of his way and a further detour to collect his brother.
Makes no sense already.
I press him, in a non aggressive way to ask him what really went on today.
He got really defensive and said I was trying to stop him seeing his brother (not even remotely true and no backstory regarding this, me and his brother get on well and see him regularly) and was rude to me and basically said I was being controlling.
I explained that it wasn't about control it was about being lied to.
He came back with a present for me ?
Oh and he usually wears work clothes that show clear signs that he has been at work, he wasn't wearing these, I just didn't notice this morning.

So basically I'm being cheated on right?
Was the present guilt?
Did he just want a day away from me and baby?

And he's done a few 'all nighters' at work recently because he was being due to taking additional days off to spend time with baby.
Or so I thought

Aibu =
Yes you are being controlling it's non of your business what he does
No - he is up to something/ out of order

OP posts:
PleasantVille · 27/09/2020 08:50

@Mix56

You can call & ask his brother if they had a good day.
Once the doubt is there even if the brother confirms the story it means nothing as the DH will already have tipped him of
MadeForThis · 27/09/2020 08:55

He will have warned his brother that he's lied to you.

Does his brother have a partner?
Could you text them and try and find out where the brother was yesterday?
Much less likely that they would lie to you or is aware of the situation.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 27/09/2020 08:56

Do you have a car OP? Are you able to follow him to a few 'jobs'?

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2020 08:59

Trades people do not work through the night. Health and Safety rules dictate lengths of shifts and trades people are never asked or expected to work all day and then the same night. If he's doing cash in hand...maybe, but ask him for his contractor's number so that you can check. He is clearly getting arsey with you for checking on him, but stand your ground. Tell him as the father of your child and your partner, it's the least you are going to do to make sure you are throwing out his sorry ass for the correct reason. Don't be cowed by his criticism or aggression: you are in the right.

AlternativePerspective · 27/09/2020 09:03

Less loving? Staying out overnight? Lying about going to work? I would bet money he’s seeing someone else.

Apple222 · 27/09/2020 09:06

Sending you much love OP. What a horrible situation.

Please look after yourself 💐🙏

Waveysnail · 27/09/2020 09:08

Wow just seen update about the ref to cheating. He basically told.you he is cheating on you Shock

vraimenthan · 27/09/2020 09:11

Sounds very shady op. The blatant lies more than anything

IdblowJonSnow · 27/09/2020 09:16

Wow he's really blown it hasn't he. Not the brightest.

I was thinking there might be another reason but it doesnt look good. I'd stop asking him and do some serious digging around.

He's unlikely to admit it to you. What an idiot.

Look after yourself and talk to someone you trust irl.

JulesCobb · 27/09/2020 09:21

I didn't like the sound of this bit he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower How much help has he been with the baby so far?

But yes, where he said Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you is him mocking you for only noticing his behaviour now he is cheating. If you actually looked at his actions towards you generally, without the rose tinted specs, without letting things slide because you think he is working hard for you, what has he actually been like.

The over reacting and storming off when you asked how and where he spent a full day away from both work and parenting his 9 week old, was to bide himself time to think of a plausible excuse and also to get time to get his brother to lie for him.

TwentyViginti · 27/09/2020 09:31

HE brought up cheating. Along with all his typical cheater's behaviour - lying, overnight 'working' becoming angry and defensive, turning it all around on you (DARVO), not going out in his work clothes......

Get your ducks in a row.

pictish · 27/09/2020 09:39

Oh he’s cheating. The all-nighters and the lies and the rabbit-in-the-headlights response to being caught.

Sorry OP, hope I’m wrong.

Laufeythejust · 27/09/2020 09:42

Hmm it’s a tough one as only you know him. He’s definitely hiding something but are you sure it’s cheating? I think we have a 6th sense for it so you will probably know. Could he be thinking of proposing and was out buying a ring with his brother/ one of your friends? I only say this because I was helping my dad pick one this week and when his partner called he acted so weird and defensive because he didn’t want her finding out.

Mellonsprite · 27/09/2020 09:43

'Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you'

He’s brought up cheating himself there. He’s practically blurted it out. Sorry OP I think this may be your answer.

pictish · 27/09/2020 09:43

Yeah I doubt he’s been out selecting jewellery for the OP.

Hmm
Original poster
Laurr · 27/09/2020 09:45

@JulesCobb

I didn't like the sound of this bit he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower How much help has he been with the baby so far?

But yes, where he said Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you is him mocking you for only noticing his behaviour now he is cheating. If you actually looked at his actions towards you generally, without the rose tinted specs, without letting things slide because you think he is working hard for you, what has he actually been like.

The over reacting and storming off when you asked how and where he spent a full day away from both work and parenting his 9 week old, was to bide himself time to think of a plausible excuse and also to get time to get his brother to lie for him.

@JulesCobb As far as the shower comment goes, basically I am usually up with the baby when he gets up, and rushes out with the house upside down. We have had numerous conversations about just giving me some time to organise myself in the morning. Especially at first when it was constant feeding and the baby fussing all day. He has tried to be better with this but some of this just the baby napping better so I've been able to do more. I thought maybe he just had unrealistic intentions. I haven't been getting much done during the day and don't live near my family so day to day I don't have any support
OP posts:
Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 27/09/2020 09:45

I’m not sure it’s cheating but there is something not right OP...

JalapenoDave · 27/09/2020 09:48

Seems a bit dodgy to me OP but don't instantly jump to "he must be cheating". He may find everything overwhelming at the moment so wanted a day away from you. I'm not excusing that behaviour at all - raising a baby is teamwork. But I'm trying to get you out of that cheating headspace.
Perhaps sit him down and explain you don't believe he was at work - you trust him and trust him to tell you the truth.
Good luck Flowers

FizzyPink · 27/09/2020 09:49

Thats actually an interesting point @Laufeythejust
My DP called me the other day while he was driving to work after a job and when he was almost there said “gosh that’s a lovely house”. It was only afterwards I realised he can’t have been anywhere near work as he works in the middle of nowhere.
Turns out he was actually using his lunch break to go into town to buy me a present.

I think there’s lots of other shady behaviour going on in your case OP but also it could be lies to cover up something like that

TeresaN · 27/09/2020 09:49

Have you access to his bank? If you do I would check the account. Also is there motorways etc that he would have had to pay for? Does he have an account to pay any of these?

Original poster
Laurr · 27/09/2020 09:55

Hi everyone.
So there is maybe some relevance to this or maybe it was him trying to set himself up some time away.
Him and his brother usually spend a lot of time together. Business is shared.
They have lived together previously.
Which is why when he said that he was missing his nights with his brother (staying up all night watching sports) I wasn’t too impressed when he said he wanted to do that once a week... it would mean him working, not coming home, being up all night, spending his day off asleep, basically him being MIA for 2 days a week which I think takes the piss when we have a new baby.
This wasn’t me trying to get in between their relationship. I thought this was reasonable ?
Especially when he is apparently you so just at work that he is overwhelmingly busy.
We see his brother regularly and I am close with him.
Looking at it now maybe there was an alternative motive for wanting 2 days a week away from us.
I would never have suspected him if cheating

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 27/09/2020 09:56

So sorry OP, I’d be very suspicious too.

MrsBrunch · 27/09/2020 09:57

Then he said something like
'Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you'

Am I missing something? Surely the above statement is an admission from him that he's cheating?

ChaChaCha2012 · 27/09/2020 09:59

I can't say if he is cheating, but he's shown himself up to be a liar, so something is very wrong. I'm currently leaving a partner like this, for a long time I knew he was lying, but I had no evidence and if I suggested anything I'd be called paranoid, controlling etc. Eventually I got concrete proof and he admitted he'd not been at work when he said he was, but it was still my fault because he didn't feel he could be honest because I'd questioned him about lies before! His wasn't a physical affair (she wouldn't want him), but was an emotional one (on his part at least), a friend he's just incapable of saying no to whenever she needs jobs doing.

Do what is best for you and baby, and do it sooner rather than later. I let it carry on for so long and it has had a terrible effect on my mental health. Look after yourself, you do deserve far better.

pictish · 27/09/2020 09:59

Could have been setting himself up a weekly shag night.
I believ you like and get on well with his brother but it’s highly likely he’ll cover up for your dh.

So. You need to do some digging. Let this slide for now. Make him believe you’ve forgotten it and moved on, then when he has relaxed a bit, find out what’s really going on.

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