AIBU partner lied about being at work

[Laurr]

I have a 9 week old baby so I am a bit tired and emotional (maybe?)
My partner is self employed tradesman, steady work but sometimes busier than others.
I am on mat leave.
Yesterday we spoke about his day today and he told me he had a busy day in Manchester and had a deadline for completing a job by Monday. Manchester is an hour away. I encouraged him to get an early night after he came home in preparation.
This morning baby had slept through for the first time... until 8am!
So we were up later than usual, he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower (baby has been fussy and a bit unwell since vaccinations a few days ago). I said no, because of his busy day and encouraged him to go to work and have a good day etc.
We text a few times during the day but didn't talk specifics about where he was etc and we were in contact a bit less than usual but I didn't think anything of it, for example he usually sends me a 'just got to the job hope the baby is settled, have you managed to get him to nap etc ' type of text. But he didn't and I didn't think anything just that he was busy and sent him a pic of baby.
So I noticed that something I had been wanting for a while was on sale local to where he was and asked if he nipped out would he collect it if it was convenient when he was getting food or something but fine if not, he was really receptive of this and said he would get it.
Fast forward to 5pm and he texts me saying he is collecting what I asked for.
6pm texts to say he has got it
6:15pm says he is stuck in traffic. I never asked for any of these updates, wasn't like I was hassling him or anything.
He arrives home at half 9.
Honestly it's only since looking back I've noticed the timeline as I was busy with baby.

So (sorry if this is dragging on)

He comes in the house and I thank him for getting item and he says 'when we picked it up'. And I notice the 'we' he knows I've noticed and he looks like a deer in the headlights.
I ask about this and he says. 'Yeah my brother. I picked him up on the way'
Now his brother lives about a 25 minute drive out of the way of where he said he was working and nowhere near where I asked him to go.
When I pointed this out he got defensive and said he was working at a different location to what he had said, in which case the errand I had asked him to run would ha e meant him going an hour out of his way and a further detour to collect his brother.
Makes no sense already.
I press him, in a non aggressive way to ask him what really went on today.
He got really defensive and said I was trying to stop him seeing his brother (not even remotely true and no backstory regarding this, me and his brother get on well and see him regularly) and was rude to me and basically said I was being controlling.
I explained that it wasn't about control it was about being lied to.
He came back with a present for me ?
Oh and he usually wears work clothes that show clear signs that he has been at work, he wasn't wearing these, I just didn't notice this morning.

So basically I'm being cheated on right?
Was the present guilt?
Did he just want a day away from me and baby?

And he's done a few 'all nighters' at work recently because he was being due to taking additional days off to spend time with baby.
Or so I thought

Aibu =
Yes you are being controlling it's non of your business what he does
No - he is up to something/ out of order

Then he said something like
'Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you
I asked what he meant, no answer, they he said I wasn't nice. I never mentioned cheating

Yeah..that's really not good

He's lying his arse off.

@Notimeforaname

*Then he said something like 'Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you* I asked what he meant, no answer, they he said I wasn't nice. I never mentioned cheating

Yeah..that's really not good

Oh my god I missed that part—it sounds like he actually admitted that he’s cheating on you?!

Yea he doesn't seem very good at lying. Hes tripped himself up a couple times already

Ask a few more times. Over the next day or two. See how much of his story changes.

And ask the brother too. Although he's obviously coached the brother on what to say but maybe he'll be as crap a liar as your partner.

At least he said, "..the baby", and not just, "baby".

So he brought up the cheating possibility and not you?

Yes. I am sorry but its almost a certainty.

Mine cheated throughout myPG and I found out when DD was 5 weeks old. Dont make the mistake I did and stay with him through fear of being alone.

@Laurr I'm actually surprised at the people saying he sounds lovely and maybe he just took a day off work. Usually on MN people are quite quick to jump to the cheating assumption with even less 'evidence' than what's going on here.
We can't say with certainty that he's cheating but it doesn't look good.

I feel if he did just take a last minute day off work then he would have been up front about it and maybe a little embarrassed and apologetic but instead he became immediately and irrationally angry and tried to turn it around onto you.
He's lying, you can either lay low and do some digging or continue to ask him and see if his story changes but it doesn't sound good to me.

Cheating.

Yeah, it does sound like he's cheating.

He's definitely lying to you. How can you ever trust him?

@jessstan2

At least he said, "..the baby", and not just, "baby".

@jessstan2

What's your issue really? Because I didn't proof read

All nighters
Lying about where he's been
Sharp with you and changed recently
Mentioned cheating
Lost his temper and stormed off when questioned

Yeah, I'd bet he's cheating. So sorry OP

He’s been different with me in the past few weeks...The way he is speaking to me is very out of character and quite nasty. Though he has been more sharp and less loving and generally just not as nice in the past few weeks.

I’m sorry, Laurr, but it sounds like your P has been creating emotional distance between you to make room for and justify a hidden agenda, which is probably an affair.

He panicked, lost control, and lashed out when he accidentally spilled the “We.” It is unlikely that being rumbled for playing hooky with DB would cause such an intense and defensive reaction. Although you were measured and reasonable when questioning his lie and strange story, he angrily shifted the blame to you while digging a deeper hole. His sputtered remark about cheating was a blatant ‘tell.’

I truly hope you can get to the bottom of this, Laurr. He needs to experience a sharp consequence for his lying and contemptuous behavior. Is it possible for you to tell him to leave for a while so you can process this in peace? Would you have any r l support to help you with the baby?

I suppose there’s a slight chance he’s finding parenting a challenge and is sneaking off for a break and a full nights sleep and doesn’t want to admit it. That’s another possible other explanation than cheating, though probably less likely.

Sorry OP it sounds like cheating. If there was an innocent explanation he would have told you of he thought he was being accused of cheating when he wasn't.

It doesn’t sound good OP, to be honest. He’s clearly up to something, and cheating is probably the most likely given his behaviour and disproportionate reaction when you questioned what he’d been doing.

It doesn’t matter what he was up to really, he’s lying.
So now he either comes clean and you decide if you can move forward from whatever it is, or you split.
I despise lying. No need for it.

You could actually talk to him about it

@seayork2020

You could actually talk to him about it

Yes, because he's shown he'll definitely be honest. Great idea...

Well if not doing the usual thing of actually talking to someone sort problems out is some wacky modern idea then what is the answer? leave? hire Sherlock Holmes? let MN solve the puzzle?

we dont know if he is cheating but it seems he is being defensive.
be kind to yourself op

He's cheating. Me and my ex shared everything, no secrets etc etc. Until one day he was on the computer, I looked at the screen and he clicked it off. When I asked him why he made an excuse about a friend being embarrassed about something. It just didn't sit right, and he too unusually had to go away on a course. Then of course it all came out.

@Laurr if I were you I’d ask for this to be moved to the Relationships Section. Fewer people just being arseholes for arseholery’s sake there and you’ll get some good advice.

I think it’s very odd that he brought up cheating. Something is going on - even if it’s just lying.

Who knows if he's cheating, but it certainly doesn't sound good - the lying and the defensiveness and blaming you. Also the recent all nighters at work - did he ever do an all nighter before you had the baby?