AIBU partner lied about being at work

[Laurr]

I have a 9 week old baby so I am a bit tired and emotional (maybe?)
My partner is self employed tradesman, steady work but sometimes busier than others.
I am on mat leave.
Yesterday we spoke about his day today and he told me he had a busy day in Manchester and had a deadline for completing a job by Monday. Manchester is an hour away. I encouraged him to get an early night after he came home in preparation.
This morning baby had slept through for the first time... until 8am!
So we were up later than usual, he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower (baby has been fussy and a bit unwell since vaccinations a few days ago). I said no, because of his busy day and encouraged him to go to work and have a good day etc.
We text a few times during the day but didn't talk specifics about where he was etc and we were in contact a bit less than usual but I didn't think anything of it, for example he usually sends me a 'just got to the job hope the baby is settled, have you managed to get him to nap etc ' type of text. But he didn't and I didn't think anything just that he was busy and sent him a pic of baby.
So I noticed that something I had been wanting for a while was on sale local to where he was and asked if he nipped out would he collect it if it was convenient when he was getting food or something but fine if not, he was really receptive of this and said he would get it.
Fast forward to 5pm and he texts me saying he is collecting what I asked for.
6pm texts to say he has got it
6:15pm says he is stuck in traffic. I never asked for any of these updates, wasn't like I was hassling him or anything.
He arrives home at half 9.
Honestly it's only since looking back I've noticed the timeline as I was busy with baby.

So (sorry if this is dragging on)

He comes in the house and I thank him for getting item and he says 'when we picked it up'. And I notice the 'we' he knows I've noticed and he looks like a deer in the headlights.
I ask about this and he says. 'Yeah my brother. I picked him up on the way'
Now his brother lives about a 25 minute drive out of the way of where he said he was working and nowhere near where I asked him to go.
When I pointed this out he got defensive and said he was working at a different location to what he had said, in which case the errand I had asked him to run would ha e meant him going an hour out of his way and a further detour to collect his brother.
Makes no sense already.
I press him, in a non aggressive way to ask him what really went on today.
He got really defensive and said I was trying to stop him seeing his brother (not even remotely true and no backstory regarding this, me and his brother get on well and see him regularly) and was rude to me and basically said I was being controlling.
I explained that it wasn't about control it was about being lied to.
He came back with a present for me ?
Oh and he usually wears work clothes that show clear signs that he has been at work, he wasn't wearing these, I just didn't notice this morning.

So basically I'm being cheated on right?
Was the present guilt?
Did he just want a day away from me and baby?

And he's done a few 'all nighters' at work recently because he was being due to taking additional days off to spend time with baby.
Or so I thought

Aibu =
Yes you are being controlling it's non of your business what he does
No - he is up to something/ out of order

He's lying.

He went to his brother's to pick up tools and then changed his mind about doing the work? What a coincidence he wasn't even wearing his working clothes to begin with!

He's lying. It could be he needed a day out and didn't have the balls to tell you, because he knows you need one too most likely and aren't getting it, or he's cheating. Either way, he's lying.

Re your most recent post. It could be interpreted in a different way? If he is genuinely missing his brother and wanted to set aside some time for the two of them and you said no, maybe that could explain why he went behind your back to spend a day with him?

I'm not saying you were wrong to say no btw. His suggestion would be taking the piss! But can you find a compromise, eg once every 2/3/4 weeks rather than once a week? Of course you should also carve out some me-time for yourself at weekends while he watches the baby, even if it's only for short periods at first (as you're breastfeeding).

Obviously I could be wrong and the whole brother thing could be a disguise for him to cheat.

It could be cheating or it could be a day off to escape home life or the all-nighters could be alcohol/weed/cocaine benders with his brother which I find more and more men are into these days.

It isn't great, sorry haven't rtft. How you you have felt if he asked if he could take a full day off?
Is the baby breastfeeding can you have a day off.
If it was a one off as out of the ordinary I wouldn't assume cheating I'd assume exhausted taking a sneaky break still not great, I'm sure you're exhausted too.

Yeah it's not great is it? My ex was a champion liar but the minute I got close to the truth he would verbally lash out, get shouty and defensive and make me feel like I'd been unreasonable to question him. Turns out I was right to be suspicious.

I was thinking hes escaping to spend time with his brother, as it does appear they are very close. How long ago did he move in with you? Was he wishing to have a sleepover pre baby?
Even thats all a bit shit, but the cheating comment that he made makes me wonder....

I'd do what an earlier pp said. Leave it for now, but just become more aware. And 100% look into the finances as it's got to be pretty difficult not to leave financial evidence of an affair.

It genuinely sounds like he is missing his brother, he was wrong to sneak off he is probably missing his old life with the chaos of a newborn. I know I did.
He was defensive because he got caught.
I really doubt he's cheating OP. He needs to help more if he wants time off he needs to put family time in first.

Then he said something like
'Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you

To me that sounds like he admitted he was cheating on you.

I could write my own book on this bull, okay yours is a more isolated case, mine wasn't. More frustrating when stuck indoors with a baby, and as the person in question is abusive too. Makes me feel sick when I think how restricted I was and everything else, but it was okay for him, or so he thought.
I think if your gut tells you something is not right you have to go with how you feel, as although whatever it was, wasn't always something bad, when I thought he had lied, he had, I think at times he was quite impressed lol that I was just too smart and smelt a rat.

It starts getting too much and messes with your head, as already the different facts that have been stated/known start making you think all sorts of things, to me it doesn't matter what the lie was for, it doesn't make things feel right afterwards.
I haven't read further down yet so not sure if you have found out any more info.x

OP, sounds as though he wants to protect his all night gaming sessions with his brother preserving the life he had pre-baby. YANBU to expect him to compromise here but if you can have a think together about what you can do so he gets a night off / afternoon off every so often. But you should also have the same so, say, once a month he can do his thing but once a month he stays with the baby and you do yours. All upfront, agreed and transparent. That way there will be no need for him to lie or go behind your back. Get it out in the open but, by God, negotiate whatever you need too whether it is to see friends, have your hair / nails done, go for a swim / take yourself out for coffee.

@ChaChaCha2012 You have my full empathy. I have lived with a liar too and they will accuse you of anything to try and avoid facing up to the truth (that they are untrustworthy and can’t be relied upon). Look after yourself. It’s not you. It’s them. 100% them.

He's likely cheated/cheating, he's called you stupid and he'd rather spend time with his brother than look after his baby. He's a real catch. Throw him back, his OW/brother can have him.

It sounds like he could be cheating OR he could be sneaking off to spend time with his brother. I know obviously you’ll want to find out which it is but I’m not sure it makes that much difference? He’s still lying to you, he obviously thinks you’re stupid (and has told you so) and if it is his brother he’s been ‘having an affair with’, it still means he is not trustworthy, doesn’t respect you and thinks his wants are more important than yours. All of which would be deal breakers for me, especially when you’ve just birthed his child. I would think he behaves this way because he doesn’t believe you’ll leave him.

Sweetheart, I think you already have your answer. He isn’t going to change, you will always be questioning if he’s lying to you etc. Worst case scenario he’s cheating especially considering the all nighters etc, best case he’s just a downright liar who doesn’t prioritise his family - neither option is great, you and your child shouldn’t be second best.

I would be very concerned that someone isn't telling the truth about where they are? Why does he find it necessary to lie? Men are simple creatures if they are lying to you you can be sure something is going on, I have no idea what something but I think you need to ask him. Defensive isn't good either.

He's cheating.
Don't listen to a word he says - watch what he does.
Don't try confront - he'll keep denying.
Wait till next time he 'stays late' and catch him at it. If he says he's at brothers, pop in to brothers.

Thinking charitably - the cheating comment could have been him just 'thinking' OP was accusing him of cheating and being sarcastic about it. Sort of 'oh you think you're so clever but all you can do is accuse me of cheating', as if he took you trying to find out where he'd really been as an accusation of cheating?

Could you try appealing to his DBs better nature? If you've got a good relationship could you text or ring him and just say 'please, I only want to know what was going on.' He may spout a pack of lies (which you ought to be able to tell) or he may tell a broken story full of holes, or he may tell you the truth.

Hi OP, are you me? We are in very similar situations.

Last week my husband did this, he is also a tradesman. He is working 6 days a week at the moment and on Sunday, his only day off, he took the kids out for lunch (leaving me at home to clean, didn't bring me anything back for lunch), brought the kids back and went out again and didn't come back until 9.30pm. When I said to him, it would be nice to spend some time together as a couple and as a family on his days off he blew up, we had a terrible hurtful argument and we haven't spoken since. I am considering divorce, as this is a pattern of behaviour not just a one time thing.

I don't suspect it is cheating, I think for him it's an escape, an affirmation that he still has his life outside the family we have made. I guess he feels important on the site but it's hurtful to me because it feels like he is avoiding me. We have two kids (2 and 3).

Having a 9 week old makes you very vulnerable, you are hyper sensitive, just getting over giving birth and as such your hormones are all over the place, but don't minimize your feelings and intuition, if something isn't right it means it's not.

I had a friend who's husband used to spend a lot of time "late" on his building sites and started sleeping over in distant cities where he had other work. Turns out he was cheating multiple times, it wasn't just one woman, it was about 10. They are now divorced and she hasn't looked back.

I am sharing my experience so you know you aren't alone and that your feelings are valid. Look after yourself

Defensive behaviour is a red flag, my ex cheated on me numerous times. He used to go away with his friends and not speak to me from Saturday until Sunday afternoon. He always used the excuse he was having a good time and forgot to message, then he started giving me flowers on his return home, the guilt must have sunk in, it wasn’t until I looked at his phone when he was showering that I saw everything. I was so blinded by all the warning signs.
However, there’s a possibility he’s not cheating and just wants time away from the house, so is making excuses about being at work.

It's tough isn't it. When my husband's behaviour changed while working away, I went to pick him up from the train station as usual when he got back. As soon as he stepped off the train and I looked at him, I knew; don't ask me how, but I did. It took 4 months of lies and evasion to get the truth out of him, and that was suffering I could have done without. Get the truth as soon as you can and make your choices based on that x

Do him and his brother do drugs?

@Laurr he has a nerve!

Very typical of the male of the species, he is easily able to compartmentalise his time into Single-Me Time and Family-Me time, not by consensus but unilaterally, and at the expense of your freedom and autonomy. When has he considered your needs, he hasn't! His mentality is how can I carve out and ring fence a nice chunk of time each week and shoe-horn everything else into the remaining days.

He's opting out of the obligation that he 50% committed to when you both decided to have a child together. He isn't keeping to his part of the bargain.

As a minimum, it needs a candid conversation where you're honest about your disappointment in his new mindset, and he's honest about what happened in the last 48 hours that has set your spidey sense tingling. When something doesn't ring true that's often than not because things aren't right.

@Laurr it realy depends on how far you want to push this, but if he has a google account his location services are probably enabled. Now they aren't always totally accurate but if he is cheating and thought to delete messages it is unlikely he has thought to turn off his google tracking - so if you can get a look at that it should show you if he was at his brothers. If he leaves his google account logged in on a laptop you can look for it through there too.

I hope it's nothing though.

So sorry you're going through all this uncertainty, OP. Regardless of what he was actually doing, he was an absolute arse about it afterwards when talking to you. I'm not sure what to suggest tbh. It's a very sticky wicket.

How old is the guy?
Surely you can put on hold visiting your brother & watching all night sport when you have a 9 week old baby.
None of this is healthy

You have a 9 week old baby. When are your 2 days off a week?

Utterly unreasonable and very selfish of him.

I actually don't think he's cheating (although his comment was well dodgy), I think he skived off with his brother, knows it was a shitty thing to do and it's his guilt which is making him act like an arse.

He needs to act like a man and father. Not 'help you out' for 10 mins so you can have a shower.

How are things today?