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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU partner lied about being at work

180 replies

Laurr · 26/09/2020 23:54

I have a 9 week old baby so I am a bit tired and emotional (maybe?)
My partner is self employed tradesman, steady work but sometimes busier than others.
I am on mat leave.
Yesterday we spoke about his day today and he told me he had a busy day in Manchester and had a deadline for completing a job by Monday. Manchester is an hour away. I encouraged him to get an early night after he came home in preparation.
This morning baby had slept through for the first time... until 8am!
So we were up later than usual, he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower (baby has been fussy and a bit unwell since vaccinations a few days ago). I said no, because of his busy day and encouraged him to go to work and have a good day etc.
We text a few times during the day but didn't talk specifics about where he was etc and we were in contact a bit less than usual but I didn't think anything of it, for example he usually sends me a 'just got to the job hope the baby is settled, have you managed to get him to nap etc ' type of text. But he didn't and I didn't think anything just that he was busy and sent him a pic of baby.
So I noticed that something I had been wanting for a while was on sale local to where he was and asked if he nipped out would he collect it if it was convenient when he was getting food or something but fine if not, he was really receptive of this and said he would get it.
Fast forward to 5pm and he texts me saying he is collecting what I asked for.
6pm texts to say he has got it
6:15pm says he is stuck in traffic. I never asked for any of these updates, wasn't like I was hassling him or anything.
He arrives home at half 9.
Honestly it's only since looking back I've noticed the timeline as I was busy with baby.

So (sorry if this is dragging on)

He comes in the house and I thank him for getting item and he says 'when we picked it up'. And I notice the 'we' he knows I've noticed and he looks like a deer in the headlights.
I ask about this and he says. 'Yeah my brother. I picked him up on the way'
Now his brother lives about a 25 minute drive out of the way of where he said he was working and nowhere near where I asked him to go.
When I pointed this out he got defensive and said he was working at a different location to what he had said, in which case the errand I had asked him to run would ha e meant him going an hour out of his way and a further detour to collect his brother.
Makes no sense already.
I press him, in a non aggressive way to ask him what really went on today.
He got really defensive and said I was trying to stop him seeing his brother (not even remotely true and no backstory regarding this, me and his brother get on well and see him regularly) and was rude to me and basically said I was being controlling.
I explained that it wasn't about control it was about being lied to.
He came back with a present for me ?
Oh and he usually wears work clothes that show clear signs that he has been at work, he wasn't wearing these, I just didn't notice this morning.

So basically I'm being cheated on right?
Was the present guilt?
Did he just want a day away from me and baby?

And he's done a few 'all nighters' at work recently because he was being due to taking additional days off to spend time with baby.
Or so I thought

Aibu =
Yes you are being controlling it's non of your business what he does
No - he is up to something/ out of order

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/09/2020 13:10

God he is useless. Something is up but even if it is just the brother relationship thing he is still being ridiculous and selfish.

I'd leave

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 27/09/2020 13:47

At the end of the day, it's irrelevant where he was.

He thinks the baby is entirely your responsibility. End of.

His baby.

Your responsibility.

Happy going forward in your life with someone like this?

MintyMabel · 27/09/2020 16:13

All nighters at work?

Not uncommon in construction. When else do you think operational businesses get their renovation /maintenance work done?

Tunnocks34 · 27/09/2020 16:30

I actually think, given your further explanations of his relationship with his brother. He’s likely been staying there and chilling out. And yesterday probably gone up, planning to chill at his house and given you the excuse of a non existent job.

Selfish, and absolutely unreasonable.

Littered5 · 27/09/2020 16:34

@MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly

Call his brother - then you'll know for sure who he was with.
This.
Littered5 · 27/09/2020 16:39

I think your right to wonder OP regardless of weather you trust him.

The overalls part definitely would make me wonder. I don’t buy it.
I would be watching like a hawk to catch him out!

RainbowReader · 27/09/2020 16:40

I just think his brother will cover for him by the sounds of it.

OP are you okay? Do you think its more likely he just wanted a day with his brother? (Still very unfair btw)

OldWomanSaysThis · 27/09/2020 17:08

Sounds like you and the brother have entered into a shared custody arrangement involving a child - not the actions of a grown-ass man and father with a new baby.

It's lose-lose.
If this is true, he's immature and irresponsible.
It it's not true, he's spending this Away Time cheating.

Annasgirl · 27/09/2020 17:09

OP, honestly, whether he is stealing off to see another woman or sneaking off to spend time gaming with his brother is a moot point. He is acting like a spoilt child and he is a dad to a 9 week old - so if I were you I would tell him to shape up or ship out. If this continues, the resentment will grow and you will erase any love and affection you ever had for him.

I know you have no family nearby, but have you any friends you can talk to? Also, do you have any family anywhere in the UK? Could you go stay with them for a while?

user1471565182 · 27/09/2020 17:25

He admitted he was cheating with that remark or did I read it wrong?

Original poster
Laurr · 27/09/2020 20:45

I don't know what to think, I don't want to be someone who falls for lies and won't believe there is something going on when the evidence is there.

OP posts:
Arthersleep · 27/09/2020 21:07

My gut feeling is that he's not cheating, or at least not with another woman. He does, however, sound like he is 'cheating' at parenthood and trying to selfishly have time off/downtime, regardless of the fact that he's leaving you carrying the can. He sounds immature and selfish. Would you trust him enough on a weekend to swan off for a day and leave the baby with him so that he understands how hard it is? Failing that, do you have a close relative that you could go and stay with for a few days with the baby?

Emeraldshamrock · 27/09/2020 21:48

The first few months with a newborn are very stressful. My DP is a great dad he is very with it. I still remember the frustration and fall outs with our first DC it took him longer to except life has changed forever move with it or move on.
I hope you get a break soon and the baby sleeps well tonight.

Dee1975 · 27/09/2020 22:31

Is he into golf or anything like that?

BlueThistles · 27/09/2020 23:05

He's taking the utter PISS.
He's believes you're too stupid to work that out.

He thinks laying the foundations for his 'getaways' will fool you, into your accepting his partial residing at home.
Christ he sounds like very calculating.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2020 23:16

@Laurr
I'm sorry he's got you feeling all at sixes and sevens.
If you can, try to get som rest because minds whirring late into the night can be brutal.

But there'll be someone here if you need them.

Sorry it's such a headfuck

Merryoldgoat · 27/09/2020 23:53

These. Fucking. Men.

I know that it’s not proven he’s cheated or anything but his reaction is bizarre.

Personally I’d probably pretend I was fine and then gather as much evidence as I could.

Derbee · 28/09/2020 00:22

The fact that HE brought up cheating, means that he is most likely cheating. It’s a bizarre thing to say if he’s not cheating. He might even have said it because he wants it to come out

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/09/2020 00:25

I agree that the fact that he is the one who said cheating means its on his mind.

You know that thing where you have to try to not think about pink elephants, so its all you can think about? This is the same. He knows he is guilty of cheating so in a high stress defensive situation, it was the first thing he knew he had to defend. And shot himself in the foot in the process.

Ce7913 · 28/09/2020 00:37

Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you'
I asked what he meant, no answer, they he said I wasn't nice. I never mentioned cheating

His recent treatment of you.
His detailed lie about urgent work (that all of a sudden wasn't so urgent that he could just not do it at all).
His setting expectations that he be away overnight.
His working late and overnights.
His ridiculous play by play of his picking up the item.
His accidentally spilling 'we' (the pronouns always catch you out).
His furious, over the top defensiveness and DARVO when you asked perfectly reasonable and normal questions.
His insulting you and storming out.

He is obviously cheating.

He has admitted it (and his contempt of you) with the above statement.

PP who are saying "maybe there's another explanation" have clearly not read all of your posts.

Rosebel · 28/09/2020 01:44

I haven't read the whole thread just your posts OP. My gut feeling is he's cheating but I am hormonal and sleep deprived so my opinion may be wrong.
It could be that he was with his brother as they sound close but the all nighters and comments about cheating make me suspicious.
I don't think it's worth asking his brother, he'll just cover for him. Even if your partner isn't cheating he's lying to you and being nasty.
Are you even happy? Does he help with the baby and housework?

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/09/2020 04:36

Cheating or not, he is lying and you are starting not to trust him.
As you require evidence, start looking for some.

MsDogLady · 28/09/2020 05:51

Laurr, you must decide if lying is a dealbreaker. It is for me. You now know that he feels entitled to lie to you and then manipulate with anger/blame shifting when confronted. This, plus his desire to take a 2 day per week break from his responsibilities to you and the baby are evidence of his utter disrespect and lack of commitment.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/09/2020 06:55

"Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you"

I'd probably take this as an addition of being unfaithful.

I'd definitely take it as evidence of him having no respect or care for me.

I can't imagine saying something like this to my husband. If I'd been out of the house all that time, pretending I'd been at work when I clearly hadn't, I would never compound it by saying something so cold to him. Even if I was feeling defensive, my feeling of guilt would override any need to justify myself.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/09/2020 06:55

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

"Yeah interrogate me because you're so sharp and switched on, except you're not are you, well maybe only enough to work out when someone is cheating on you"

I'd probably take this as an addition of being unfaithful.

I'd definitely take it as evidence of him having no respect or care for me.

I can't imagine saying something like this to my husband. If I'd been out of the house all that time, pretending I'd been at work when I clearly hadn't, I would never compound it by saying something so cold to him. Even if I was feeling defensive, my feeling of guilt would override any need to justify myself.

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