AIBU partner lied about being at work

[Laurr]

I have a 9 week old baby so I am a bit tired and emotional (maybe?)
My partner is self employed tradesman, steady work but sometimes busier than others.
I am on mat leave.
Yesterday we spoke about his day today and he told me he had a busy day in Manchester and had a deadline for completing a job by Monday. Manchester is an hour away. I encouraged him to get an early night after he came home in preparation.
This morning baby had slept through for the first time... until 8am!
So we were up later than usual, he offered to help with baby whilst I had a quick shower (baby has been fussy and a bit unwell since vaccinations a few days ago). I said no, because of his busy day and encouraged him to go to work and have a good day etc.
We text a few times during the day but didn't talk specifics about where he was etc and we were in contact a bit less than usual but I didn't think anything of it, for example he usually sends me a 'just got to the job hope the baby is settled, have you managed to get him to nap etc ' type of text. But he didn't and I didn't think anything just that he was busy and sent him a pic of baby.
So I noticed that something I had been wanting for a while was on sale local to where he was and asked if he nipped out would he collect it if it was convenient when he was getting food or something but fine if not, he was really receptive of this and said he would get it.
Fast forward to 5pm and he texts me saying he is collecting what I asked for.
6pm texts to say he has got it
6:15pm says he is stuck in traffic. I never asked for any of these updates, wasn't like I was hassling him or anything.
He arrives home at half 9.
Honestly it's only since looking back I've noticed the timeline as I was busy with baby.

So (sorry if this is dragging on)

He comes in the house and I thank him for getting item and he says 'when we picked it up'. And I notice the 'we' he knows I've noticed and he looks like a deer in the headlights.
I ask about this and he says. 'Yeah my brother. I picked him up on the way'
Now his brother lives about a 25 minute drive out of the way of where he said he was working and nowhere near where I asked him to go.
When I pointed this out he got defensive and said he was working at a different location to what he had said, in which case the errand I had asked him to run would ha e meant him going an hour out of his way and a further detour to collect his brother.
Makes no sense already.
I press him, in a non aggressive way to ask him what really went on today.
He got really defensive and said I was trying to stop him seeing his brother (not even remotely true and no backstory regarding this, me and his brother get on well and see him regularly) and was rude to me and basically said I was being controlling.
I explained that it wasn't about control it was about being lied to.
He came back with a present for me ?
Oh and he usually wears work clothes that show clear signs that he has been at work, he wasn't wearing these, I just didn't notice this morning.

So basically I'm being cheated on right?
Was the present guilt?
Did he just want a day away from me and baby?

And he's done a few 'all nighters' at work recently because he was being due to taking additional days off to spend time with baby.
Or so I thought

Aibu =
Yes you are being controlling it's non of your business what he does
No - he is up to something/ out of order

[lilsquish]

I'd ask to see his phone to check messages between him and his brother. I dont think it unreasonable to ask to see them either as he has lied so much and put so much doubt in your head.

If they were together there will be messages arranging it.

Dont phone the brother or speak to him to ask as he might be the type to cover for him.

Sorry you are in this situation OP

[Albagal]

My part time job whilst at uni was with a private detective, about 50% of our cases were cheating spouses, when women were suspicious they were correct about 99% of the time, when men were suspicious they were correct about 25% of the time. Women’s intuition is a thing, men are more likely to be just jealous b*

[InFiveMins]

You're right to be suspicious, he sounds dodgy. I would ask him to be straight and honest with you - if your gut tells you he's still lying, leave him.

[Laurr]

So I have evidence he was with his brother (from all the ways suggested above)

Apparently he's just an arsehole and a liar but not a cheat... not on this instance anyways

He won't admit it was his intention to not work and he just wanted a day off And lied to get it. Trying to gaslight me still and make me feel I did wrong for trying to 'trip him up', ask questions etc

He seems to think that as long as it isn't cheating then lying isn't a big deal and that I should just accept when he is at work that he is at work.

For everyone saying he admitted it it me.... he was being rude and sarcastic but not an admission, I just didn't manage to get that across in the post

I usually get up and leave him to spend half of the day in bed when he is off work (until about 12/1pm... great company for me) so it's not like he doesn't get any respite and he is not doing the most here

I'm more annoyed that he would have let me think he had a busy/difficult day and treat him accordingly after knowing he had done nothing.

I've tried to explain that he shouldn't be 'helping me' or 'babysitting' as the baby isn't my sole responsibility and also it's his own child ... like talking to a wall

I won't be keeping an eye on him because I'm over it really and any respect I have for him is gone. His behaviour since the baby is like a different person, he used to not be able to do enough for me and would always speak to me with respect and love. He thinks he's trapped me and I can't do anything about it.. and therefore doesn't need to carry on

I'm too tired and I'm new mum mode to do anything about it right now, I need someone to just give me that tiny break each day even when it's just ten minutes whilst I shower or giving an expressed bottle.

But it's not like it's actually helpful to say you'll do a night feed and then wait to get the baby from his crib until he he hysterical because you can't wake yourself up and I have had to get him out or to fall asleep mid feed, or to wake me up for me to put him back or to go to warm the milk and then come back and wake me to ask 'should I give him this then'

I doubt this will sort itself out and as soon as I am settled with baby and feel a bit more myself he will be gone and he can stay up all night, sleep all day, and do whatever he wants as a man in his 40s... embarrassing

[PolicecarOnAToe]

If he said “we” collected the item, could the person your oh collected the item from have seen who was in the car with him? They may not have gone to the door together but if someone collects something from me, if they park outside of the house, I would be able to see if they had a wife/partner/child in the car.. Not sure if that would be helpful or not. Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of having a baby.

[PolicecarOnAToe]

Sorry, just seen your update

[FippertyGibbett]

Well done you. He’s revealed himself for what he really is and you’re not prepared to accept that. Better you find out now than 20 years down the line.
I hope you have family to help you.
Take this time to organise your future so it’s effortless when it happens.
Good luck 💐

[TwentyViginti]

He thinks he's trapped me and I can't do anything about it.. and therefore doesn't need to carry on

Unfortunately this is a common occurence. Men who think they have the woman locked down with marriage/DC then reveal their true selves.

Many women leave these relationships and find themselves much happier without a selfish manchild hanging around. They have less anger at unmet expectations.

[Mix56]

He won't admit it was his intention to not work and he just wanted a day off He told you the day before he had a long hard day the next day, he had planned it all along.
I'm sorry that your family has imploded? but I think you are correct he is not the person you thought he was.
However, You should try & talk this through, calmly, surely with communication it might be a wake up call & he may realize what he is about to lose. If he continues to gaslight & be a selfish prick. then tell him he can leave permanently & game with his brother all night to his heart's delight. at least that will be one child less to manage.
or try leaving him in charge for a day.... let him feel how tiring & relentless it is.& maybe he will understand that you too need a break.
(I used to dream of going to a hotel room & just sleep, take a long hot bath, have room service, silence. just take care of my self for one night....)

[sociallydistained]

It just rings alarm bells of my friend who was chatting to a guy who was a tradesman and was clearly looking for hookups where he we working... he told my friend he was single etc but it was obvious he had a family as he wouldn't speak to her after a certain time at night and when she suggested coming his way he kept putting her off and suggesting visits only when he was working her way.

Your gut is clearly telling you something.

[partofyoupoursoutofme]

I've read all your posts op, and just wanted to say you sound like a great person who has her shit together. You deserve better in a partner and it's brilliant that you know that and want to make a change. You will be super powerful on your own, you don't need this rubbish guy. Get all the financial info you can though x

[Emeraldshamrock]

You're doing a great job alone. Take care of you the baby needs a healthy DM.

[Wakemeupwhenthisisover]

Just leave. You’ll have so much more energy without him dragging you down.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

You just sound so tired. As anyone with a 9-week old would be. Could you go and stay with a friend or someone for a few days?

[JulesCobb]

Very common for men to become their asshole selves when the woman is pregnant. Make your plan.

[ShandlersWig]

You sound amazing OP. You clearly respect yourself so much, to not put up with his shit.
Do what you need to do, to get through this tough time. It's hard enough with a baby, you dont need this man baby too.

[Laurr]

Thanks to everyone who has replied and been supportive.
I have friends but none with kids so it's seems like they don't get it.

He's still out now from this morning... apparently the motorway is closed - it's not

Oh and I asked him to get me something from a shop next to where he was working (something specific they only sell there) he said it was closed - it's not

Just tired and wish I had someone to help whilst I cooked/tidied etc consistently because although the every now and again help from family and friends is lovely it's not the same as having a partner

I don't think I have the energy to feel upset /angry at him

[UserABCDE12345]

Hmm, the brother thing may have been true that day but I'd still be suspicious. How many days is he planning on telling you he is working but not and coming out with ridiculous lies, that can easily be verified.

[CutToChase]

If the brother thing is the truth then why is he still lying?

[TracyMosby]

You dont have a partner now. You have a man who occasionally graces you with his presence and one who causes you more housework than he does.

[Laurr]

@CutToChase who knows, who cares. I actually think cheating would be better than being so selfish as to just stay away and not help because you can't be arsed

[Laurr]

@UserABCDE12345

Hmm, the brother thing may have been true that day but I'd still be suspicious. How many days is he planning on telling you he is working but not and coming out with ridiculous lies, that can easily be verified.

@UserABCDE12345 I know he has been at work, but I think he finished a long time before he arrived back here. Where he was in the meantime... I suppose I could put loads of energy into finding out something that isn't going to make any difference

[PurpleFlower1983]

I would leave, you will feel so much better without that pathetic excuse for a man dragging you down. It sounds like he’s never bothered to grow up.

[BitOfFun]

Well, I wouldn't leave. But he can fuck off to his brother's, can't he?

[bebarkered]

Hope he's not having any kind of affair OP. I do know a guy who, approximately every 8 weeks, takes a day off work, but, does not tell his partner. He spends the whole day at his mother's (playing x box and games) xx