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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m so angry with my friend of 30 years. Do I tell her?

269 replies

Hillfarmer · 26/09/2020 17:45

Once of my closest friends has told me she has just committed insurance fraud. I am incensed.

We have been close friends for decades and seen each other through all sorts of ups and downs life has thrown at us. She had the benefit of a brilliant education, happy family life, loving parents etc. She has an interesting and stimulating job, is noted in her field, owns her own house, has dc, is not short of money and travels widely.

When we last met up, she told me she had made a false claim on her travel insurance. I don’t want to give too many details but safe to say the claim would be worth at least £1000.

I am absolutely outraged. The more I think about it, the more furious I am. It is fraud. She must have lied through her teeth. She is taking the piss out of all of us who pay our premiums in the hope that we don’t have to claim. My ( and everyone else’s) premiums cost more because of people like her. And she saw fit to tell me...bold as bloody brass!

I as grumpy with her when she blithely told me, said I couldn’t believe she’d done this, but it could have come across as ironic or jokey. And it wasn’t till afterwards that I fully recognised how absolutely fucking angry-making it was. I’m also really angry that she thought it was OK to tell me! I now feel burdened with this information. I haven’t wanted to speak to her since that meeting and I just don’t know what to say, since I am seething.

Thing is...she is a very old and, despite everything, a valued friend. Should I tell her how I feel. And what would I be doing apart from telling her off? I don’t want this to be an end to our friendship, but i don’t feel I can let it go.

I’ve been pondering this on my own, and really don’t know where it leaves our friendship. But there is absolutely no excuse (if ever there is) for what she has done.

OP posts:
Youngatheart00 · 26/09/2020 18:31

Has she ‘bent the rules’ (eg not declared a condition) or downright lied (said something was cancelled when it wasn’t)?

wezly · 26/09/2020 18:31

@Killpopp my friend would probably ask me for help 😂 she would have to do a lot worse for me to be incensed

Dozer · 26/09/2020 18:32

I can understand why you’re surprised and judging and thinking less of her, but not being ‘incensed’. Sounds like you already told her your views.

fourquenelles · 26/09/2020 18:32

@bossyrossy

I’m shocked at how many of you think insurance fraud is trivial. It’s stealing.
Well said! If I went into a post office and stole £1000 I'd be banged up. What's with all the "trivial" nonsense? How many saying that bunk off rail fares? Shoplift? All trivial stuff too I assume.
mbosnz · 26/09/2020 18:33

With that whole, 'she has to follow her moral code, not yours', thing, does that apply to other crimes, also? Holding up a liquor store, king hitting someone you've heard might be a nonce, that sort of thing?

Then again, my friends tell me that they come to me, when they want to hear what they think they need to hear, rather than what they'd like to hear. . ..

Killpopp · 26/09/2020 18:33

If my best friend murdered someone I would genuinely help her get rid of the body.

So Insurance fraud. Meh.

WunWun · 26/09/2020 18:33

I would judge and probably tell them I disapproved. I wouldn't be furious about it though. It would likely change my opinion of them a bit, but I don't see anything to be incensed about.

WhoWants2Know · 26/09/2020 18:33

I can't even imagine how a false claim on travel insurance would work.

TidyDancer · 26/09/2020 18:34

Yeah I wouldn't be this angry and my best friend has been in my life for 30 years too. To me this is fairly trivial and she would have to do a lot more than that to make me mad at her.

jessstan2 · 26/09/2020 18:35

@Brieminewine

If you think she was wrong then tell her. I wouldn’t let something so trivial ruin a 30year friendship.
Neither would I.

Yes, I do think insurance fraud of £1000 is trivial but of course, it is an act of dishonesty. However I can't imagine being incensed by it.

This just goes to show how unwise people are to confide such details to anybody at all. There's no need, it wouldn't hurt to keep something like that private.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/09/2020 18:35

When someone is your friend for a long time, you think of them as honest. You assume that their morals align with your own.

The OP has just found out that her friend is dishonest, and that they operate by very different moral codes. That's not trivial because it would make you question everything you previously thought you knew about that person.

Would you all be cool with it if you found out that your comfortably off friend was bragging about being a shoplifter?

RealBecca · 26/09/2020 18:35

"I dont want this to end the friendship....I'm not sure where it leaves things"

Well, decide before you speak to her again. If you dont want to end the friendship then let it go. Of she asks for your opinion then offer it.

It sounds a bit like there's something going on with you though. Her having the best life on paper etc reads like you think she's not 'justified' to make a fraudulent claim or like you're jealous.

You don't know what people are going through. Maybe she's in debt, maybe it's how she gets her jollies. Who knows. Focus on you, don't waste your time worrying about it. If she has been there through thick and thin then move on. You aren't there to police her.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/09/2020 18:36

OP - I would tell my frjend I disapproved, and I'd explain exactly why. It would definitely change my opinion of them, but I wouldn't end the friendship over it.

WunWun · 26/09/2020 18:36

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

When someone is your friend for a long time, you think of them as honest. You assume that their morals align with your own.

The OP has just found out that her friend is dishonest, and that they operate by very different moral codes. That's not trivial because it would make you question everything you previously thought you knew about that person.

Would you all be cool with it if you found out that your comfortably off friend was bragging about being a shoplifter?

I wouldn't at all, but it would make me sad rather than angry. I don't see what's to be angry about?
SkyDragon · 26/09/2020 18:37

Why on earth are you so angry about something which has no effect on you?

It's not normal to feel that angry about something which has no direct impact on you.

It's not your job to judge other people's morals.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/09/2020 18:39

@Killpopp

If my best friend murdered someone I would genuinely help her get rid of the body.

So Insurance fraud. Meh.

I never understand comments like this. I assume that you are assuming the murder would be an 'okay' one? (E.g. self defence)

If your friend beat to death an innocent random person, you surely wouldn't assist them in covering it up, would you?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/09/2020 18:41

I think that's fair WunWun - I guess it would make me more sad than angry too. It wouldn't definitely change my view of them though. Similarly, if a friend of mine cheated on their partner it would change my view of them.

mbosnz · 26/09/2020 18:42

It's not your job to judge other people's morals.

Yes, no-one on MN ever judges anyone's morals - let alone their grammar, spelling and punctuation - nor what they do for a living, what they like to talk about, what their relationship with their partner is like, whether they swear or not, how they get on with their extended family, why they're still with such a loser/ why they're not making more of an effort. . . and most certainly not their criminal actions, or those of members of their family. . .

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/09/2020 18:43

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

I think that's fair WunWun - I guess it would make me more sad than angry too. It wouldn't definitely change my view of them though. Similarly, if a friend of mine cheated on their partner it would change my view of them.
I meant it WOULD definitely change my view of them
mbosnz · 26/09/2020 18:45

In fact, pretty much, all we bloody do, in AIBU in particular, is judge, lol.

Humbersider · 26/09/2020 18:48

Sounds to me like you're just jealous of her and this has brought it to a head. Sounds like this resentment has been brewing for a while. Thirty years?

Here's a tip: only have friends with shitter lives than yours.

RelaisBlu · 26/09/2020 18:51

I would think less of someone who did this. If it was someone who I had known for 30 years I would feel they were not who I thought they were, in a way that was important. Insurance fraud is not trivial and it is not a victimless crime

Etinox · 26/09/2020 18:53

You’d love me OP, I claimed £2000 for a lost musical instrument weeks after dd passed grade 8 and vowed never to touch it again.
The fucker turned up and I repaid it. Angry

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/09/2020 18:53

@Killpopp

I must have zero morals because this wouldn’t bother me at all.
Nope, me neither. Bit of an ott reaction.
Griselda1 · 26/09/2020 18:55

You're not responsible for her morals or behaviour, you seem to have let her know how you feel so I'd leave it at that.