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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m so angry with my friend of 30 years. Do I tell her?

269 replies

Hillfarmer · 26/09/2020 17:45

Once of my closest friends has told me she has just committed insurance fraud. I am incensed.

We have been close friends for decades and seen each other through all sorts of ups and downs life has thrown at us. She had the benefit of a brilliant education, happy family life, loving parents etc. She has an interesting and stimulating job, is noted in her field, owns her own house, has dc, is not short of money and travels widely.

When we last met up, she told me she had made a false claim on her travel insurance. I don’t want to give too many details but safe to say the claim would be worth at least £1000.

I am absolutely outraged. The more I think about it, the more furious I am. It is fraud. She must have lied through her teeth. She is taking the piss out of all of us who pay our premiums in the hope that we don’t have to claim. My ( and everyone else’s) premiums cost more because of people like her. And she saw fit to tell me...bold as bloody brass!

I as grumpy with her when she blithely told me, said I couldn’t believe she’d done this, but it could have come across as ironic or jokey. And it wasn’t till afterwards that I fully recognised how absolutely fucking angry-making it was. I’m also really angry that she thought it was OK to tell me! I now feel burdened with this information. I haven’t wanted to speak to her since that meeting and I just don’t know what to say, since I am seething.

Thing is...she is a very old and, despite everything, a valued friend. Should I tell her how I feel. And what would I be doing apart from telling her off? I don’t want this to be an end to our friendship, but i don’t feel I can let it go.

I’ve been pondering this on my own, and really don’t know where it leaves our friendship. But there is absolutely no excuse (if ever there is) for what she has done.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 26/09/2020 17:47

I can never understand threads where the conflict is with "my oldest, dearest friend" but you can't just be honest with her.

Brieminewine · 26/09/2020 17:49

If you think she was wrong then tell her. I wouldn’t let something so trivial ruin a 30year friendship.

Hillfarmer · 26/09/2020 18:00

Thank you for replies.

Something I clearly didn’t stress enough in my OP: I don’t think insurance fraud is trivial!

OP posts:
Potterpotterpotter · 26/09/2020 18:01

Friends for 30 years yet you're seething at her for something she’s done that doesn’t even effect you? Dramatic much.
Let it go.

nokidshere · 26/09/2020 18:03

Something I clearly didn’t stress enough in my OP: I don’t think insurance fraud is trivial

It's not trivial. But this a person you have known for 30yrs, why can't you just tell her how you feel about it?

Roselilly36 · 26/09/2020 18:03

I agree with you OP, something like this makes you see someone through different eyes. Insurance fraud costs us all. It’s not a victimless crime.

Killpopp · 26/09/2020 18:05

I must have zero morals because this wouldn’t bother me at all.

Brieminewine · 26/09/2020 18:07

@Potterpotterpotter

Friends for 30 years yet you're seething at her for something she’s done that doesn’t even effect you? Dramatic much. Let it go.
This^

Trivial in the grand scheme of a lifelong friendship.

Zebrasandfairytales · 26/09/2020 18:10

If it was my oldest friend I would definitely tell her if I disagreed with something. I would try not to let it get me angry, sometimes people do bad things or make bad choices.

I think it’s interesting that you are having such a strong reaction to this though, I’m wondering what that is about. Yes, it is serious but I don’t I think I would be taking such personal offence to it.

It depends where your line is. If it’s made you that incensed and you cannot continue the friendship I would tell her. If you can tell her how you feel and get over it and move on then great.

However, if you are going to stay friends with her and use it as a reason to stay angry at her/hold it over her then I think you are being unreasonable.

I’m not sure what answers your after really. What would you like to happen?

Onxob · 26/09/2020 18:10

Are you unhappy in your life generally OP? I find I make a much bigger deal about things and become quick to anger when I'm dissatisfied in my life. This is REALLY not that big a deal. Yes yes I know insurance fraud affects us all etc etc but your anger seems disproportionate. Tell her your annoyed if it makes you feel better but personally I think it's unnecessary.

I'd let it go.

TimetohittheroadJack · 26/09/2020 18:11

If my oldest friend had murdered someone, or regularly sacrificed small animals in demonic worship, I’d maybe think she was a Arsehole.

For insurance fraud, not at all. Travel insurance is going to rise massively in the next few years due to Covid anyway,

chipsandpeas · 26/09/2020 18:11

@Killpopp

I must have zero morals because this wouldn’t bother me at all.
snap
SerenDippitty · 26/09/2020 18:11

It would certainly make me see her differently. You do tend to assume your close, good friends are honest.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 26/09/2020 18:14

@TimetohittheroadJack

If my oldest friend had murdered someone, or regularly sacrificed small animals in demonic worship, I’d maybe think she was a Arsehole.

For insurance fraud, not at all. Travel insurance is going to rise massively in the next few years due to Covid anyway,

This with bells on. Sorry OP I think YABU.

Perhaps your friend was desperate after something bad happened to her whilst she was abroad? As Jack says, we're all going to be paying for this for years to come anyway!

liveitwell · 26/09/2020 18:21

If it comes up again then I would say that you don't agree with it and leave it there. But I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her off. Yes she's done wrong but you telling her that won't change it and it will likely affect your relationship.

KormaKormaChameleon · 26/09/2020 18:23

I think you're getting mixed up with the idea of continuing a friendship is condoning behaviour you disagree with somehow.
I think you should be able to express to an old and close friend that you disagree with a course of action they've taken and you're actually quite taken back, while valuing the friendship and wanting it to continue no?

CitizenFame · 26/09/2020 18:26

If this leaves you seething, incensed and “fucking angry” I’m surprised you have any friends left (or maybe they’re wise not to tell you anything that might trigger you off).

Throw away a 30 year friendship over this if it will make you feel morally better. I just think it sounds pathetic.

pigsDOfly · 26/09/2020 18:27

I get where you're coming from OP but I think this sort of thing is really commonplace and almost normal for a lot of people.

I remember years ago who my exh's aunt was making an insurance claim for something, a burglary I think, and they talked about all the things that she was claiming for, most of which she never owned in the first place.

I was quite shocked as I'm incredibly honest and it would never occur to me to do something like that.

My exh and his aunt clearly thought I was an idiot and claimed everyone does it.

Well, I don't and clearly, neither do you but I suspect we're in a minority, which, as you say, is one of the reasons insurance premiums are so high.

By all means let her know that you're horrified that she's committed fraud if you feel you have to, and given that you feel so strongly about it it might be difficult not to say anything but, if you want to keep her as a friend, once you've said your piece draw a line under it and accept, that perhaps, she's not the person you thought she was.

MondeoFan · 26/09/2020 18:27

I don't understand people that turn on their friends at the slightest things! What happened to Thelma & Louise type friendships. Ones when you can tell each other anything and they wouldn't bat an eyelid. You know the one where your best mate phones you at 3am to tell you that they've accidentally murdered someone and the first thing you say is "i can help you hide the body"

bossyrossy · 26/09/2020 18:28

I’m shocked at how many of you think insurance fraud is trivial. It’s stealing.

Bourbonbiccy · 26/09/2020 18:29

Why exactly wouldn't you tell her you are angry with her?
Are you scare people of her reaction? She's been your friend for 30 years, I'm sure you haven't always agreed previously.

If you can't be honest with her, I don't think your friendship is as strong as you think.

oreshina · 26/09/2020 18:30

That is none of your business. Surprised the friendship has lasted this long if you are like this. She has to follow her own moral code not yours.

Bourbonbiccy · 26/09/2020 18:30

Scared of her reaction, sorry, not "scare people" HmmHmm

Yorkshiretealady · 26/09/2020 18:31

@Killpopp

I must have zero morals because this wouldn’t bother me at all.
Me too.

I've got much bigger fish to fry. Absolute zero issue to me

mbosnz · 26/09/2020 18:31

No, insurance fraud is not trivial, it is a criminal act, and if she gets found out, she may find it bloody hard to get any insurance of any type in the future. She is also part of the reason why insurance premiums are so high, for all of us.

For an apparently smart woman, she is being criminally, and from the sounds of it, needlessly greedy and stupid.