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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m so angry with my friend of 30 years. Do I tell her?

269 replies

Hillfarmer · 26/09/2020 17:45

Once of my closest friends has told me she has just committed insurance fraud. I am incensed.

We have been close friends for decades and seen each other through all sorts of ups and downs life has thrown at us. She had the benefit of a brilliant education, happy family life, loving parents etc. She has an interesting and stimulating job, is noted in her field, owns her own house, has dc, is not short of money and travels widely.

When we last met up, she told me she had made a false claim on her travel insurance. I don’t want to give too many details but safe to say the claim would be worth at least £1000.

I am absolutely outraged. The more I think about it, the more furious I am. It is fraud. She must have lied through her teeth. She is taking the piss out of all of us who pay our premiums in the hope that we don’t have to claim. My ( and everyone else’s) premiums cost more because of people like her. And she saw fit to tell me...bold as bloody brass!

I as grumpy with her when she blithely told me, said I couldn’t believe she’d done this, but it could have come across as ironic or jokey. And it wasn’t till afterwards that I fully recognised how absolutely fucking angry-making it was. I’m also really angry that she thought it was OK to tell me! I now feel burdened with this information. I haven’t wanted to speak to her since that meeting and I just don’t know what to say, since I am seething.

Thing is...she is a very old and, despite everything, a valued friend. Should I tell her how I feel. And what would I be doing apart from telling her off? I don’t want this to be an end to our friendship, but i don’t feel I can let it go.

I’ve been pondering this on my own, and really don’t know where it leaves our friendship. But there is absolutely no excuse (if ever there is) for what she has done.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 26/09/2020 20:11

I knew someone who made a false claim on her household insurance. She was in debt so claimed that she’d been burgled to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds, believing that she would get the money back. When it’s home insurance you don’t have to provide proof of the items so she claimed she’d lost all sorts, and then waited for her cheque.

Except the insurance company paid out in stamped vouchers for the particular items she’d claimed for. She didn’t get a penny in cash.

I laughed.

I didn’t find out until years later but it served her right.

ekidmxcl · 26/09/2020 20:13

It's fraud and theft.

However, I'm sure that it won't affect you in any way. She, however, must feel guilty? And might do for a long time?

So legally it's theft. Morally, I'm not so sure. Insurers charge massive premiums and do anything to avoid paying out claims. I think it's a dirty business myself and can't really feel sorry for insurers. I feel as though I've paid enough on various insurance premiums over several decades that I could buy a bloody house with the money spent! DH was waiting for a person to cross at a zebra crossing. His own car was still. Someone rammed him from behind, I guess not really concentrating. This person's insurer paid out, DH's insurer didn't have to pay anything. I was fucking furious when MY insurer put up MY premium for this accident of DH's which was not even a tiny bit his fault, just because he was a named driver on my policy. So fuck off insurers, you deserve the people that defraud you as you defraud your customers in moral terms, although you have it stitched up as apparently "legal".

I'm actually surprised she managed to get a payout, without receipts or other documentation. She might be shitting herself at the thought of getting caught.

thegcatsmother · 26/09/2020 20:14

I had a friend who used to claim every couple of years even if nothing was damaged to get back some of her premiums. I said it was dishonest and she just rolled her eyes,at me. She is an ex friend now.

YANBU OP, it's fraud and theft and is just wrong. I've just had the renewal for my buildings and contents, and despite no claims, it has gone up £50.

Dunnowhat2do · 26/09/2020 20:14

I believe in karma. It'll come back one day, she'll lose that money.

But I would not end a friendship over it, bit OTT.

Bluntness100 · 26/09/2020 20:15

Personally if a friend did this I’d be disapproving, and I’d say so, but i would not be “furious” “seething” and all the other words the op uses. Claiming she personally is “being made a mug of”

That for me says the ops in a very different financial situation to her friend, a much lower one, and that’s what’s causing this extreme reaction

saraclara · 26/09/2020 20:16

@Bluntness100

I’m also wondering if there is envy there.

Do you have financial issues op, are you struggling ..or do you feel she has more than you financially or in terms of material things?

Your reaction is very odd, this anger, this level of drama, feeling she’s made a fool of you etc.

Unless you’re a very moralistic straight laced person who puts honesty above friendships , which I’m surprised she didn’t know, so I’m guessing you’re not, then I’d assume you think she has it all compared to you and you’re angry she’s now just got more.

So envy at its core.

Seriously? Do you think OP's reaction to their friend stealing £1000 from an individual, or shoplifting a £1k laptop from a shop would be based on envy?
AlternativePerspective · 26/09/2020 20:18

I would very likely react at the time and tell her what I thought of what she’d done.

If that ended the friendship, then so be it.

I think that anyone who thinks that their friends should be ok with them confessing a crime to them and shouldn’t flinch needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

It is making a mug of the OP in so much as that her friend clearly thinks she is also that kind of person given she told her she’d done it.

saraclara · 26/09/2020 20:18

Amazing how many posters on this site would judge a woman for not breastfeeding or for writing a post without paragraphs, or for not loving their dog as much as their children, yet crime and fraud and even in one case on this thread, murder is ok...

Exactly. This thread is bizarre.

SmileyClare · 26/09/2020 20:19

Finally I'm on a thread where I agree with you Bluntness Grin

I'd add that it's very rigid thinking to judge people as good or bad based on one incidence. There are always nuances and a myriad of reasons behind people's wrong decisions.
Of course, there's also a kindness in forgiving a friend's misdeeds.

Macramacious · 26/09/2020 20:19

Our friends will not always act exactly as we would in every situation. My friend of 25 years is currently going through a custody battle for her children and I really don't agree with how she has handled it. But, she's my friend and I'll support her and listen to her even if it's not what I would have done. You'll soon have no friends if you only want those that share your exact same morals.

TheEC · 26/09/2020 20:26

Honestly I feel like there must already be ongoing resentment/jealousy if this is tipping you over the edge

AlternativePerspective · 26/09/2020 20:28

Bet if the same friend was having an affair the responses would be different...

Oodlesofnoodles20 · 26/09/2020 20:32

I wouldn’t do it but I wouldn’t judge my friend if they did it. I would just think that they needed the money.

b0redb0redb0red · 26/09/2020 20:35

“Bet if the same friend was having an affair the responses would be different...”

Or, indeed, committing benefits fraud rather than the kind of “nice” fraud that Mumsnetters can relate to.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 26/09/2020 20:35

@Bluntness100

Furious, seething,,,all such strong emotions. Then the description of her charmed life.

This isn’t about the fact she made a false claim, this is about the fact she has it all in the ops eyes and still wants more. It’s a type of envy and bitterness.

I disagree. I think the fact that the OP's friend is well off is incredibly relevant to her anger. If her friend was poor and really struggling to feed her kids or afford them new uniforms etc. she might be offered a little more sympathy. It would still be a criminal act but you could at least see there was some reasoning there instead of pure selfish greed.
Oodlesofnoodles20 · 26/09/2020 20:35

Judge not and all that. I’m sure we’ve all done things our friends wouldn’t agree with. I can’t imagine losing a friend over an issue like this. I think if you would throw a friendship away over something like this, you weren’t really friends.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/09/2020 20:38

Yanbu. I can't stand middle class people committing so-called victimless crimes. How would she feel about a hungry shoplifter caught nicking a pack of chicken breasts from the local Co-Op?

SmileyClare · 26/09/2020 20:39

I would regard cheating the system out of a small sum of money completely differently to deliberately hurting those around you (e.g. an affair) differently yes.

That said, I think affairs can be forgiven in some circumstances.

ChickensMightFly · 26/09/2020 20:40

Haven't rtft... I would share your feelings op and if I didn't talk to her about it, it would fester and affect my ability to relate to her.
I would have to talk to her and whether the relationship could continue would depend a lot on her reaction. To be honest I don't think the friendship would be the same again for me anyway because if the loss of respect. But that's just my pov, others may take a different approach.

LoveEatYoga · 26/09/2020 20:41

I think you should tell her but the reality is that it could be the end of your friendship as she's likely to be defensive

transformandriseup · 26/09/2020 20:44

It would upset as I hate fraud me and I may see that person in a different light but I wouldn't let it get in the way of a long term friendship. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't broken the rules at some point including myself.

saraclara · 26/09/2020 20:44

@SmileyClare, do you think stealing a £1k laptop form John Lewis is also "cheating the system" and so okay?

Where does theft and dishonesty become a problem for you?

saraclara · 26/09/2020 20:47

@Oodlesofnoodles20

Judge not and all that. I’m sure we’ve all done things our friends wouldn’t agree with. I can’t imagine losing a friend over an issue like this. I think if you would throw a friendship away over something like this, you weren’t really friends.
Would you throw a friendship away if the person stole £1000 from you? From a member of your family? From a mutual friend? From her neighbour who you don't know? From a shop? From her workplace?

Where's your boundary?

DuesToTheDirt · 26/09/2020 20:49

I'm shocked at the number of posters who think this is normal behaviour, and would likely do the same themselves. I have a strong moral compass, and if one of my close friends did this I would be questioning whether I wanted to stay friends with them.

MsTSwift · 26/09/2020 20:51

Jealous?! That is the weirdest comment I have ever read.

Nasty little thief.