DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

DIY dinner is fine but did you tell her you were planning a takeaway? I'd be really pissed off if my husband did that without asking if I want some too.

Depends if you share other chores equally, I think.

If this is 'your' chore and your DW does other things, it's a bit off to suddenly decide you won't do it with no discussion (though I do appreciate it sounds as if you thought you'd discussed it and actually she got the wrong end of the stick).

I suppose the other thing is, who does the shopping? DIY dinner sounds fun to me, but it's obviously going to cause a bit more hassle for the shop.

Yanbu

Getting a sneaky takeaway was selfish.

However DIY dinner is fine so long as everyone understands and is on board.

So she never wants to cook? Even once a week just for herself?

I think it’s a good arrangement. Nobody should be responsible cooking every meal and it is great that you are encouraging your DCs to experiment and learn how to feed themselves.

Oh - and is this a cost issue, as well?

It's going to work out expensive (which might be fine!).

I don't begin to understand why you felt the need to steal out for a takeaway. That's just weird. If I wanted a takeaway I'd just tell my partner I fancied one, why wouldn't you?

I think DIY dinner is great, and as you say lets the kids make something without everyone else having to suffer their experimental cooking, and being able to choose exactly what they fancy.
I'd have asked 'I fancy a curry, do you want to order something' rather than sneaking out though

If you dont want to do the cooking every day tell her and discuss it.

DIY is fine, sneaking off for a take away isn't.

YABU not to cook for a pre-teen! They will be exhausted and hungry after a week of school on a Friday. Friday is the one day I can guarantee my 11yo will eat well.

The teen could cook for all of you once a week, your wife could cook for all of you once a week. Everyone doing their own thing is wasteful, and how do you get four people in a kitchen using the hob/oven at the same time?

'Once the coast was clear'?

That's really odd.

DIY dinner sounds fine

Sneaky take away is selfish but otherwise I can’t see the issue.

My DH does almost all the cooking - he likes it, I don’t especially. But I often ask if he’d like to split it. He says no but I can still understand wanting a break.

With older kids that all seems fine. Why can’t she grab a sandwich or something?

Moving it to the weekend, and a lunch would be a better option. I don't think for a minute one person should have all the burden of provisioning.

So why not tell her she cooks 3 times a week, you cook 3 times a week and the dc together cook for all in one night a week.

DIY dinner means, to me, making use of bits and pieces in the cupboard and fridge to produce a random meal to your own taste. That’s fine. It does not mean buggering off and buying yourself a curry, deliberately excluding your partner. That’s mean and selfish.

@HoneysuckIejasmine

DIY dinner is fine but did you tell her you were planning a takeaway? I'd be really pissed off if my husband did that without asking if I want some too.

Earlier on in the evening I hadn't decided whether or not I wanted a takeaway, although I had thought about it.

By the time I got one, DW had said she wasn't hungry.

So why all the 'when the coast was clear' business?

Is she annoyed you spent the money?

I have two young teens at home. I’m not the best Cook and don’t enjoy it. If the kids don’t want what I cook they do their own. I’m not precious about eating together so At least 4 out of 7 nights they do their own. Often They cook together I enjoy listening to them in the kitchen chatting and making their tea. It’s the only time they dint bicker!

@SarahAndQuack

Depends if you share other chores equally, I think.

If this is 'your' chore and your DW does other things, it's a bit off to suddenly decide you won't do it with no discussion (though I do appreciate it sounds as if you thought you'd discussed it and actually she got the wrong end of the stick).

I suppose the other thing is, who does the shopping? DIY dinner sounds fun to me, but it's obviously going to cause a bit more hassle for the shop.

Cooking is far from the only thing that I do, although there aren't many other chores that I would do exclusively. The chores are certainly fairly shared.

But I did discuss it in advance and I am somewhat mystified that DW did not understand what I meant. The children did understand and they were part of the same conversation. DW seems to have got the idea that DC1 was cooking for everyone.

Both children were keen to cook for themselves, otherwise I would not have gone with the idea. They generally make their own packed lunches, and will sometimes make their own lunches at weekends. They have been doing this for quite a while and are quite happy with this (although they're equally happy for me to cook for them). Evening meals, I have been making exclusively.

The takeaway is a bit mean as the kids couldn’t have done that.

Diy meal does sound a more expensive way to eat but if it’s once a week and you aren’t worried about costs then it’s fine.

DW IBU though regardless.

The whole writing is odd and I wonder if this is a reverse?

Everyone sorting themselves out seems odd, as making the point about the DIY dinner being healthy.

I see nothing wrong with a preteen or both parents doing their share in the kitchen, but if everyone else cooked for the whole family one day a week each, then you'd have a lot more evenings off. But unless you have budget or dietary issues, I don't see why you can't all get a family takeaway, a couple of times a month at least.

To be honest it would make more sense to take turns cooking for everyone rather than individually. You also should have offered to get takeaway for you both, that was selfish.

Your wife should definitely be contributing equally to the cooking if you are both working and sharing the chores otherwise equally.

@SarahAndQuack

So why all the 'when the coast was clear' business?

Is she annoyed you spent the money?

I don't think so. We both work FT and have our own bank accounts, so it was my money I was spending.

Eh, it just sounds like a miscommunication thought. That happens. You thought you were clear; she didn't get it. No point dwelling on it.

I do think if chores are shared fairly, she is within her rights to be narked that you thought you'd drop one chore, though. I wonder if that's why she didn't understand?

I'd just discuss it again. If she's not up for making her own meal either you need to reassess the chore allocations and see if you could take on something else that'd make her feel it was still equal, or you need to suck it up and just minimise the difficulty that night.

I think you're suggesting something sensible, it's just I also get her perspective, if she feels you already have a working plan and you want to change it so you're doing less than her. It's hardly a big deal, one meal, so should be easily resolved.

@BarbaraofSeville - do you think the emphasis on it being healthy is that odd? Surely he's just making the point that his kids aren't going to mainline ice cream and will make proper food, because that'd be a lot of people's first question if you say you're leaving your children to choose their own dinner - will they do it sensibly?