DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

@Havaiana

I do think OP would get different responses if he were a woman

If DW was a DH there would have been people saying they were abusive and controlling for calling OP selfish etc and the chore ratio probably wouldn’t have come up.

Did you actually say to your wife, "I'm going to pick up a takeaway. Do you fancy anything?"

The person who for years has taken on all the cooking is perfectly entitled to leave the people they've been cooking for and.sneak have a takeaway on occasion.

The wife sounds very manipulative to me, responding she isn't hungry and flopping on the sofa then moaning when her partner sorts himself out is childish. In the OPs position I'd be downing tools and refusing to cook at all.

And I do the majority of the cooking in my house, this is because I'm good at it and enjoy it. But rest assured the nights I haven't the other people in the household have just got on with their own thing without any silly dramas. Sometimes they take themselves off for a takeaway and I have cheesy beans on toast. And that's fine too.

@FortunesFave, no, but the fact the OP's name is 'TomPinch' makes me suspect he's a he. Also the fact the OP hasn't yet indicated anyone is wrong to say he.

(I have a female partner myself, btw. And am a she, as you can deduce from the 'Sarah' in my username.)

@SarahAndQuack I think cooking 7 days a week mostly from scratch is very hard working and I have sympathy for anyone who does it, male or female. You NEED a day off from being default food provider, whether cooked or takeaway. OP and DC also have a roster for washing up.

@SarahAndQuack I think people ask for the chore split as they assume that men barely do any chores so that’s why the say “if the chores are split equally yanbu” etc

Why couldn’t she just cook for herself ? She sounds lazy.

If housework is shared equally then YANBU. Sounds like DW has got to used to being fed every night.

Why does she think it’s selfish for everyone to cook for themselves but not selfish for her to rarely cook?

Sounds like she didn't want to cook.

It should be possible for you to get a takeaway if you wish. without your wife going in a huff. Its a very small issue, and shouldn't be a problem, considering how much you have organised all the cooking for your family over the years. Keep cooking, and take no notice of any complainers !

@havaiana - well, you may need a day off, but not everyone would (personally, I find it pretty easy, but I like cooking).

The issue is that the OP has said quite clearly that they've got the chores shared out. I know, because I asked about it early in the thread.

If the OP wants to shift things up, that's totally fair, we all do that in our relationships.

But what's not on is to say 'DW, you and I split all chores, but I'm making a unilateral decision to do a bit less. You ok with that?'

I don't think that's what the OP intends to do, but that may be how it felt to her, which is why it matters the OP should go talk to his wife about it.

I can see why it’s annoying to be seen as default food provider EVERY night
I disagree, it depends how other tasks are divided.
In our house DH is solely responsible for all the cooking whereas I am responsible for all the laundry.

If he started saying he wasn't doing it one day a week, well he could do some laundry this day instead while I do the cooking.

Cross post @MiddleClassProblem - maybe so, but I asked if chores were shared because I wanted to know if chores were shared.

Obviously it'd be good to know if the OP's wife thinks they're shared too, but since we can't ask her, all we can do is presume they are shared, isn't it?

I think people ask for the chore split as they assume that men barely do any chores so that’s why the say “if the chores are split equally yanbu” etc

My FIL does most of the chores.

Not sure what to vote, because I think it's fine to not want to cook every night, but DIY dinner sounds odd because you're not actually getting a night off, and then the takeaway was a bit unfair, because why not just have a family takeaway?

I assume you're okay with your wife not cooking, but I think it would take a bit of pressure off you if you had more of a rota, so maybe get the kids to cook once a week (either together or on alternate weeks), and have a takeaway together sometimes. I assume you already do bulk cooking? If not then that would also make things easier if you could just defrost something a couple of days a week.

So YABU in that your DIY meals didn't seem very well thought out, but YANBU for thinking you deserve a break from cooking.

I don't think it's selfish to say sort yourselves out for food tonight.
I do think it's selfish to sneak off for a takeaway 'when you thought the coast was clear'.
Do your kids have the option of a takeaway on DIY dinner night?

@WhatifIfeellikeacat

I think people ask for the chore split as they assume that men barely do any chores so that’s why the say “if the chores are split equally yanbu” etc

My FIL does most of the chores.

That’s literally my point. It’s a sexist assumption and it’s certainly not true in my house either.

I can see where you are coming from but you've gone the wrong way about it

It was really mean not to make it super clear you were going to get a takeaway. Why dont you do a fortnightly takeaway and on the other fridays do something simple like fried egg sandwiches or beans on toast? Neither you or your wife come out looking like an injured party here. I just cant see why you didnt talk about it clearer. If I told my dh iwasnt super hungry and couldnt be bothered to cook and he said he was getting a takeaway I'd suddenly be hungry again

Fridays we have ready meals, pizza, leftovers, takeaway. We're all knackered and just want something quick and easy and have no cleaning up after

@SarahAndQuack

I know, because I asked about it early in the thread.

So did I, so not sure why you feel the need to point this out? It’s a basic question.

well, you may need a day off, but not everyone would (personally, I find it pretty easy, but I like cooking).

But OP himself says he (or she) needs a day off.

IME, there is no daily household task that compares with cooking from scratch every night.

It’s selfish to go out and get a takeaway for yourself and not even check if your partner wants one. My DH barely knows what’s in the fridge and if I did this it’d just be mean.

The DIY dinners thing is normal though.

What you said about your wife 2 years ago is interesting, and actually quite understanding;

——————————
TomPinch
When DC1 was very young, DW and I both worked part-time and we tag-teamed. During the afternoons that I looked after DC1 I was always able to get a home-cooked hot meal on the table when DW returned home. DW never reciprocated, and claimed that she "just couldn't. I was annoyed, because, well, I just could.

But actually I realise that DW was right and wasn't simply being lazy. I'm a good cook and can get a simple, nutritious home-cooked meal on the table in minutes. DW gets muddled up with her cooking times, lets the pots boil over or leaves stuff to burn. Even now the DCs are close to parity with their cooking skills and will soon be past her. When she cooks the results are often really odd and often not a balanced meal.

Same with housework. I never found it hard to put the vacuum cleaner round. DW found it impossible. But she is the last person I'd describe as lazy. She just gets in a muddle if she tries to concentrate on more than one thing at a time, and that's how she is.

So in my view:

• IF you're capable of cooking a meal, then YABU and lazy not to do so just becuase you're looking after a baby.
• Otherwise YANBU.

So in that context, it’s quite possible that she muddled up what you were getting up.

Also, in that context it does seem like a selfish idea. We three can all cook well, mum’s shit at it. So on Friday nights we’ll all do something we enjoy and eat something nice - whilst mum has to do what she doesn’t enjoy, and then eat the result which is rubbish compared to our dinners. Of course, mum could opt for takeaway - but it sounds like that’s infrequent in your house so not an obvious option. Until you snuck off for one!

I don’t know... half of me thinks - tough shit, she’s a grown woman, she can heat up some soup. Boohoo.

And half of me (and yes - I’m the woman that can occasionally burn pasta at 52!) thinks that it’s a Friday night idea that was never going to be much fun for her...

On balance, I think I’d alternate which child cooks for the family on Fri and Sat. You get a break. Your wife isn’t eating burnt pasta. Your children get to base a meal every week around their favourites.

@Hokeywokey

Why don't you just all have a take away on a Friday and stop all the bloody kitchen chaos?

Exactly what I thought. The op sounds seriously obsessive about food. People have seemed to skim over the fact that he cooks every night because his wife’s cooking isn’t good enough and he ‘likes to eat nice food’. People are thinking she’s not cooking because she’s lazy, when rather it’s him thinking her foods crap. Now because he wants a Friday off cooking, he’s orchestrated it so all of his family have to fend for themselves. He could have just done a rota for someone else to cook every Friday, but of course their cooking isn’t good enough for him. He’d rather arrange it so his children and wife have to take turns making separate meals with whatever they’ve got in the kitchen, while he sneaks out to treat himself for a curry.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@havaiana - well, you may need a day off, but not everyone would (personally, I find it pretty easy, but I like cooking).

The issue is that the OP has said quite clearly that they've got the chores shared out. I know, because I asked about it early in the thread.

If the OP wants to shift things up, that's totally fair, we all do that in our relationships.

But what's not on is to say 'DW, you and I split all chores, but I'm making a unilateral decision to do a bit less. You ok with that?'

I don't think that's what the OP intends to do, but that may be how it felt to her, which is why it matters the OP should go talk to his wife about it.[/quote]
So are you saying there has to be an exact 50/50 split? I don’t even know how that works. Do chores have a points system? What if you clean the bathroom alternate weeks but one week it’s muckier than the other.

Either way DW agreed when she thought the kids were cooking so wasn’t concern OP wasn’t doing it. Plus they had a family chat about it so not a unilateral decision.

We call it "Fend For Yourself" and we have been doing that every Friday for YEARS. When my youngest was too little to actually make his own meal I made his and mine. But he has been making his own now for a long time.