DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

Four people cooking different meals in one evening seems mad to me, and OP clearly isn't that into the idea since he went and got a takeaway just for him!

Just get the children to cook one day a week each, or one day a week together. Or get EVERYONE a takeaway.

@Havaiana - I pointed it out because it's a longish thread.

There are household tasks that compare with cooking dinner. Personally, I hate the morning routine of getting breakfast and child ready; happy not to do that in exchange for cooking. And there are plenty of tasks we do less regularly, but which are substantial. My DP always mows the lawn because it's a huge area and the mower is heavy, and I'd much, much rather not do that job once a month and do something else once a day.

Etc. etc.

There's no one right or wrong way to organise household chores.

I don't see where the OP said he needs a night off. I may have missed that. I see in his OP he says he fancies one; his wife seemed happy with the idea but didn't get what he was suggesting. That's hardly crisis time.

@middleclassproblem - isn't it obvious there should be a 50/50 split if possible?

What else do you aim for?

No one goes into a marriage saying 'I'm going to be a freeloading lazybones and you'll be the idiot who puts up with it'.

Obviously it's not a matter of a points system but one of negotiation - but that's clearly what the OP has been trying to do?

I do get it- I don't want to cook on a Friday night either after a full.week of work. Maybe some simpler meals that the children can organise when they get back from school? Baked Potatoes need a cgood couple of hours, but they're very easy for a teen to prepare and shove in the oven.
We will often have beige food on a Friday- fish fingers with homemade wedges, usually. But I caved and did that last night (it's been a hard week!!) so it's macaroni cheese tonight.

DIY dinner night - YANBU
Getting a takeaway without asking if others would like one - YABU

I think the takeaway was really selfish, esp as you say "Very occasionally the whole family will have it, but it is an occasional treat."

You should have done takeaway a different night when the whole family could enjoy their 'occasional treat', rather than only you getting a treat.

I love the idea of diy dinner in theory but it is the cleaning up bit i would find possibly odd, if each member cooks and cleans up for themselves that could get messy/be complicated so it would make more sense to have joint 'anything night' which we have where we all do something easy jointly

So we all will get takeaway, put a salad together, have beans on toast, soup and bread etc.

But if the rule is individual anything night then getting a takeaway is fine for me

@SarahAndQuack,

My DW has no concerns about the amount of chores that I do generally and often encourages me to take a break. She is also brutally honest. If she felt that I was unilaterally trying to shed the load unfairly, she would certainly have said so. She did express concerns about the arrangement: I have mentioned them previously on the thread.

As it is, she thought that it meant DC would be cooking for everyone. Clearly she was fine with this, but it would equally have meant a chore that I wasn't doing.

DIY Dinner is cooking for yourself at home, not getting a takeaway. I'd be angry if you did this to me as well.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want.

Cooking for yourself is just as much work as cooking for the family. If you want a night off, as you say, the only way you are going to get an evening off on DIY dinner night is to get a takeaway for yourself...

I hadn't given a lot of thought in advance to how that aspect (4 people cooking separately) would work.

Is the reason you didn't think too much about how 4 people all cooking dinner at the same time will work is because you were only thinking about yourself and you were always intending to treat yourself to takeaway so chaos in the kitchen isn't your problem?

DW and I will occasionally buy each other takeaway. Very occasionally the whole family will have takeaway, but it is an occasional treat.

The reason for my discretion about the takeaway was more because of what the children might have said.

It does rather sound like you have dressed up DIY dinner night as a learning experience for the kids but in reality it is just a way for you to manipulate things so you can treat yourself to a takeaway without having to buy a takeaway for your wife or the DC.

If you just wanted a night off, you would have asked for someone else to cook, not suggested everyone, including yourself, makes their own dinner. What you really want is a treat but you don't want to share.

Why don't you just all have a take away on a Friday and stop all the bloody kitchen chaos?

I suspect it’s financial. He either can’t or doesn’t wish to pay for everyone to have a takeaway so has to go without himself. This plan gives him the opportunity to buy one for himself once everyone’s eaten.

In that case, @TomPinch, I really think it is just simple miscommunication.

I don't see what else it could be - you're not dropping a chore; she's not bothered you are; she's not worried about the money; she's not worried your kids will eat unhealthy food ... you just need to ask what's going on.

The only other thing I can think of is she was just a bit embarrassed she got the wrong end of the stick.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@middleclassproblem - isn't it obvious there should be a 50/50 split if possible?

What else do you aim for?

No one goes into a marriage saying 'I'm going to be a freeloading lazybones and you'll be the idiot who puts up with it'.

Obviously it's not a matter of a points system but one of negotiation - but that's clearly what the OP has been trying to do?[/quote]
@SarahAndQuack I think you aren’t understanding. You seem to think OP was shirking their way out of cooking one might and that it wasn’t fair if the chores are split 50/50. Like you envisage an exact equation for what is an equal measure. I’m saying how can you measure things out so exactly that you know OP dropping the cooking once a week is not fair?

It’s a huge leap to go to from that to one person being a freeloader. That’s not what I’m saying and you know that. Of course you want balance but if you’re going to take is so literal that dropping doing something one day makes it unbalanced and is not fair, I think it’s a bit ridiculous.

It's not even my idea but takeaway just doesn't seem in the spirit of DIY dinner tbh. Takeaway is a family thing as a treat.

She sounds lazy and / or disorganised. You otoh sound uptight and obsessive. I think it was mean to go and get a takeaway by yourself.

Why are you not addressing getting a takeaway for everyone regularly? Are you not able to afford this?

Friday night take away or fish and chips would be a welcome change. Then the dcs could cook something for the family on a Saturday or Sunday lunch perhaps. Then your dw could make food for everyone on a Saturday or Sunday evening. You get 2 breaks and everyone gets to take turns a little.

@TomPinch

If you were to ask people to vote, which do you think would get more?

Background: both my kids can cook and enjoy it. My wife doesn’t enjoy it, and can’t cook well. She’s not lazy, we split tasks overall fairly - she just doesn’t do cooking. I’d like a night off from cooking, and for the kids to get what they want, and practise. Which of these suggestions should we go with?

1. DIY Dinner night
2. Kids cook for all night, alternating the kid

Both 1 and 2 meet your aims. But option 1 is crap for one person. Can you see why she’s think option 2 was selfish?

Oops - you get 3 breaks

I think you should talk to your wife and share the cooking or at least have a night off. It's a real drain cooking all the time, and thinking of what everyone wants. It gets me down.

I do think getting a take away on your own was mean. Anytime I get a takeaway I always include the kids and even my parents (who live nearby) becaus it's such a treat.

All very odd. She does cook, but not as well as you think you do so you'd rather do it. So she isn't shirking.

Kids cook for themselves one night, fine, but I can't imagine a couple not discussing a takeaway? I'd be a bit baffled if my husband snuck out and got one without mentioning it to me, or offering anything.

Were the rest of the family aware a takeaway was on offer? Or was it only on offer for you?

@Scweltish

Exactly what I thought. The op sounds seriously obsessive about food

I do enjoy it.

People have seemed to skim over the fact that he cooks every night because his wife’s cooking isn’t good enough and he ‘likes to eat nice food’. People are thinking she’s not cooking because she’s lazy, when rather it’s him thinking her foods crap

I have not said this. Nor do I think it.

Now because he wants a Friday off cooking, he’s orchestrated it so all of his family have to fend for themselves. He could have just done a rota for someone else to cook every Friday, but of course their cooking isn’t good enough for him.

A nice idea, but there are problems with it. DC1 finds it difficult to cook for 4 people. She would probably still be at it by bedtime, doing this and that and there really would have been chaos in the kitchen. So I thought a good way of taking the pressure of would be for her (along with everyone else) simply cook for herself without the pressure of cooking for everyone. Same with DC2. And for both of them it worked really very well.

That the pressure comes off me a little is a bonus, but isn't it the job of parents to make themselves redundant?

He’d rather arrange it so his children and wife have to take turns making separate meals with whatever they’ve got in the kitchen, while he sneaks out to treat himself for a curry.

The arrangement was agreed upon in sufficient time for the children to put the things they wanted on the shopping list. So, they were hardly scratching around in the fridge for leftovers. I honestly hadn't decided what I was going to have, so I would have had to pop down to the shop anyway.

So how would anyone know what to buy? Do the kids get a say in the shopping for food?

Takeaways are a family treat here, not something the adults have and exclude the others,let alone one adult exuding the other.

My DW has no concerns about the amount of chores that I do generally and often encourages me to take a break.

But not a break from cooking it seems.

When you get used to someone else cooking and washing up every night you don’t want to give that up. When she called the new arrangement selfish, she was calling you selfish.

I think you need to re-assess the split of chores and work out if you actually are happy cooking 6 days a week or whether you want to switch things up a bit so that chores are still are equal but you don’t have the responsibility of getting a cooked from scratch meal on the table every night at 6pm. The mental load of that alone is immense.

Anyone in this house sneaking out for a takeaway without collecting orders would be putting their life in their hands.

@middleclassproblem - Well, you are the one who started to take it to extremes!

All I was saying was the wife might feel narked if she perceived this as a fair division of chores turning into something where she was doing a bit more. Not hard to understand, surely?

The OP says it's not that, so let's not worry.