DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

Getting a takeaway without asking if she wanted anything is just spiteful.
I imagine your wife doesn't have great cooking skills, why not run through something beforehand with her about what she thinks she can cook for herself and stuff, be supportive?

I dont see how DIY dinner will work though, 4 people making their own dinners in one kitchen? Especially if you're gonna make yourself better things that day and not for everyone else other days.

I do think it would be better for everyone if everyone had a turn cooking for the family, including DW.

*subtext -not subject!

How about doing both? One evening per week is DIY, one evening - perhaps at the weekends - you have a rota where everyone but you takes responsibility for producing the entire meal for everyone.

And maybe for the sake of family harmony it would be an idea to say that DIY can't include a takeaway; if you're having a takeaway, it will be for everyone.

I'd suggest the DC cook one night each if anything it will be entertaining.

I think getting a takeaway is different to everyone doing a DIY dinner. I thought the point was that everyone cooked what they wanted (which I don't think is unreasonable). I'd feel too bad ordering take out and not asking the rest of them if they wanted anything. It's not really a DIY dinner is it, it's a treat.

Sounds like 4 different dinners in one night would be a faff to me.
All four of you cooking at the same time? Staggered times? 4 lots of washing up? Just take turns cooking seems simpler.
If you want a takeaway have one but just getting enough for yourself out of your money again it’s just causing a headache.

Surely of DW thinks DIY is selfish and people should com for the whole household that should include her? DIY seems a faff with 4 people wanting to use the kitchen at once and Friday is the worst night for it, Monday night with potential for weekend leftovers seems more sensible. I'm not sure why you snuck out for curry, you say because you didn't want a debate about what you wanted, why would there be? I'm going to get curry for myself would you like anything? No you want Chinese, ok I'll leave you to order that, see you in a bit (unless the Chinese and Indian restaurants are next door and then you'd offer to collect).

DIY dinner is fine as long as everyone understands, and she does now.

Getting yourself a takeaway was twattish and deliberately provocative when she was already cross about dinner.

@Cocomarine

Id have thought it was something like chicken fajitas - all eating together, but constructing your own at the table.

Yes but someone needs to cook the chicken, chop the lettuce, onions etc and warm the tortillas. Not DIY at all.

I think when you cook dinner every night you get taken for granted. I can understand why OP is chafing at that. One night a week you don’t want to take into account what anyone else wants, either cooked at home or takeaway.

So you made the kids cater for themselves, then you got a takeaway? That seems fairly selfish/odd.

I see where you are coming from if your wife hardly ever cooks and you want a day off. But you need to agree in advance and have a proper rota. It’s also very inefficient to have four people making individual meals. Getting a takeaway on your own is selfish, though. Were you trying to make a point that your wife needs to stop being lazy and sort herself out? I originally assumed a DIY supper meant it was “using the leftover meals from the week” that were in the fridge. Everyone has something different, depending what’s left. That would be fine. It’s just reheating, after all.

You blew it with the take away! I do a night of DIY dinners a week and people generally make themselves eggs or something easy, if I turned up with a single take away for me there would be uproar, that’s the selfish bit.

I do all the cooking but am generally too tired to cook on a Friday evening (I work full time). I get it.

What I do is buy a really easy meal that takes no effort to prepare - just bung in the oven and (maybe) boil some veg. Cheaper than a takeaway and not exhausting. Have you considered doing that?

@Tlollj

Sounds like 4 different dinners in one night would be a faff to me. All four of you cooking at the same time? Staggered times? 4 lots of washing up? Just take turns cooking seems simpler. If you want a takeaway have one but just getting enough for yourself out of your money again it’s just causing a headache.

I hadn't given a lot of thought in advance to how that aspect would work. Basically I was going to leave it up to people to eat when they wanted. As it turned out, DC1 ate first, by the time DC2 was hungry, she'd finished cooking. DW wasn't hungry and I of course at later.

No one tends to get under anyone else's feet or fight over the saucepans.

four separate meals going on in the kitchen on a Friday is ridiculous and totally inefficient, also an organisational PITA...no one gets any time off and no one is really going to learn anything making themselves beans on toast or ordering take out

Have a proper discussion, and organise it so everyone gets a meal they like...the children can start with firm family favourites so no worries about anyone creating because they don't like it and no kitchen chaos either every blasted Friday.

@Lemonsyellow

I see where you are coming from if your wife hardly ever cooks and you want a day off. But you need to agree in advance and have a proper rota. It’s also very inefficient to have four people making individual meals. Getting a takeaway on your own is selfish, though. Were you trying to make a point that your wife needs to stop being lazy and sort herself out? I originally assumed a DIY supper meant it was “using the leftover meals from the week” that were in the fridge. Everyone has something different, depending what’s left. That would be fine. It’s just reheating, after all.

Were you trying to make a point that your wife needs to stop being lazy and sort herself out?

No - absolutely not.

I do think OP would get different responses if he were a woman

This cooking lark all sounds awfully political. I could not live like this

DIY dinner is fine. This is the first one, you had teething troubles. Probably shouldn't have gone for a takeaway after it was clear DW didn't know it was DIY for everyone - clear opportunity to grab something for her too.

As for the DIY - could you do it so the DCs cook for each of you? eg one week DC1 cooks for themselves and you, and DC2 themself + DW. Next week you flip so DC1 cooks for DW and DC2 for you. That way you hopefully can give them postitive reinforcement on their cooking to keep them motivated (although they already sound pretty great with cooking), and still reduce the risk of cooking something people don't like becuase the DCs aren't cooking for each other - assuming as parents you can handle the occasional less than tasty meal or at least be more constructive about it :)

You sound completely convinced you were reasonable anyway. However many times you try to explain the take-away part, it just comes across as selfish. I'd be annoyed as one of tge children if I'd cooked as I'd been asked to then later discovered if I hadn't bothered I could have had a take-away instead (as you say it's because you were eating later and were undecided what to eat).

Why don't you just all have a take away on a Friday and stop all the bloody kitchen chaos?

I think the OP would also get different responses if he were a woman.

If the OP were a woman who said that she and her partner shared all chores equally, and she now fancied not doing one part of her share of chores, she'd get a lot of people telling her that was selfish.

There is a little hint of people on this thread presuming that, even though the OP has said he and his wife share chores equally, the OP's wife should be doing more than the OP and should also be taking on 50% of the cooking.

I don't see this as something the OP is saying, btw, but I think there's quite a bit of underlying sexism in the posts where people assume the wife must be lazy unless she does a fair share of the chores and offers to take on more.

[quote Havaiana]@Cocomarine

Id have thought it was something like chicken fajitas - all eating together, but constructing your own at the table.

Yes but someone needs to cook the chicken, chop the lettuce, onions etc and warm the tortillas. Not DIY at all.

I think when you cook dinner every night you get taken for granted. I can understand why OP is chafing at that. One night a week you don’t want to take into account what anyone else wants, either cooked at home or takeaway.[/quote]
Oh I don’t mean I expected the components to magically appear! Just offering an explanation of why the wife might not have realised what a DIY dinner was!

You went out & got a curry take away? Love this. Hehe.

Your meals sound amazing!! Can you cook for me please.
I dont blame you for wanting a break from cooking though. Can you make Friday nights take away night instead? You deserve it.

SarahAndQuack just because OP has a wife does not automatically mean they are a man.

OP...you've said you only occasionally have takeaway but it's VERY occasional for the kids. Therefore you are or were being unreasonable.