DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

We have days when there is no family dinner cooked and everyone just sorts themselves out (the 5y/o excepted) so that seems entirely normal to me. I don't think DIY dinner is selfish and I don't see how it can be misinterpreted either! That said, takeaway does not fall under DIY dinner for us, it's a treat and if one person is having one everyone else should have the option to be included.

If housework is shared equally then YANBU. Sounds like DW has got to used to being fed every night.

Why does she think it’s selfish for everyone to cook for themselves but not selfish for her to rarely cook?

I don't know if it's selfish, but it just seems a little impractical for everyone to crash in and make their own individual dinners. I can understand wanting a night off though. Taking it in turns to make Friday dinner would make sense or just getting takeaway.

Is a DIY dinner selfish? No.

Is getting yourself a takeaway whilst your - what, 10 and fourteen-year-olds? - fend for themselves and your wife isn't even consulted? Yes.

One rule for one, one rule for all. Surely if you got a takeaway everyone should have been offered. Including the kids. Your rule was 'as long as it is reasonably healthy' - you broke the rules.

DIY dinner is one thing but "get your own 1-person takeaway" is weird. None of us would go to a takeaway without asking if the others wanted anything. Carrying two curries back instead of 1 is hardly asking a lot!

My DH does most of the cooking here and if he said DIY night I would probably just have beans on toast expecting him to do himself something equally 'simple' but then if he went and got a curry I would be a bit put out.

DIY dinner is fine, sneaking out for a takeaway isn't fine and I would have been pissed off with you too.

I have two teen sons, 17 and 14 and they make Friday night dinner, tonight is meatballs with a sauce and pasta. Apart from the pasta everything is made from scratch. They have a little production line for rolling the meatballs and Ds2 doesn't like squishing the minced steak and other ingredients together, Ds1 likes it but does wear gloves meatballs are oven baked so no effort. The sauce was perfected years ago and is often batch cooked so they just reheat it in a pan.

I think DIY dinner is in theory a good idea but could cause arguments down the line with scheduling and someone eating something and then seeing what the other person has made/ordered.

Why not have Friday night dinner as the children cooking, sometimes ours is as simple as chicken kiev (ready made) potatoes made in the actifry (halve the baby potaotes and put them in the actifry) and a salad, wash and cut up salad, make a simple honey and mustard dressing.

I do sit in the kitchen whilst they cook because I enjoy listening and being part of their conversation. I am hands off but there to step in if needed.

DIY dinner isn't selfish but it is impractical for 4 people to be cooking separate dinners at the same time and it is less selfish for everyone to take a turn.

The issue is, what you did was selfish. You want a break from cooking (fair enough) but you don't think your wife's cooking is as good as yours and you don't want to eat food "ruined" by your DC or the food that they like. In your words, you want "a treat" once a week so you got a takeaway but that treat isn't on offer to everyone else. It's also pretty insulting to your wife and DC that you don't think their cooking is good enough for you. You might not have said it directly but I am sure your wife will have realised that is the reason why you haven't asked everyone to take a turn.

I disagree. If you’re cooking nearly every night then you should be bloody well able to get yourself a takeaway one night a week if you want to!

Why didn’t the DW think to get a takeaway for herself and everyone?

I can see why it’s annoying to be seen as default food provider EVERY night.

I think the idea of DIY dinner is odd - surely it took far more clearing up afterwards - just take turns.

bit mean to slope off and get yourself a takeaway - I wouldn’t call that DIY

If all other chores are shared fairly, I don’t see the problem with everyone cooking for themselves one night a week.

I do think it’s odd to sneak away to get a takeaway. Surely it would have been noticed when you got back anyway?

We do this Mondays so any weekend leftovers can get picked at. It also avoids takeaway fights 😀

I just feel like this is one of those arguments having other people wade in on just does not help. If your wife is an otherwise reasonable person I expect the plan upset her for some reason she hasn't explained. I don't suppose she minds making herself something to eat so it is probably that she felt left out, or neglected, or tricked out something. But you won't know unless you ask her and, in fact, coming on here to ask people who don't have the full picture is a bit mean.

Yanbu and you shouldnt be doing all the cooking either. She needs to stop being so lazy and step up at least once a week. Even if it's just sticking a stew in the slow cooker before she goes to work.

I think this is fine, we used to do this as DC and it did develop our cooking skills (we could cook what we wanted even if everyone else didn't like it). I think your DW was annoyed that YOU didn't cook for her, sounds as if she is used to you doing it every night. If you are both tired at the end of the day, why don't you take it turns to cook?

I should probably expand a bit on the takeaway aspect.

DW and I will occasionally buy each other takeaway. Very occasionally the whole family will have it, but it is an occasional treat.

By the afternoon I hadn't decided what I wanted for dinner. I couldn't really decide so I decided just to leave it, and also keep half an eye on DC2. The children served themselves, and then DW began saying that the thought the arrangement was selfish and not the best way to cook. We had a short discussion about that and I said why I thought it was a good idea, ie, it's how I learned to cook and it would give the children some freedom to choose what they wanted.

DW said at that point that she wasn't hungry anyway. I don't think this was a front for anything else: knowing her, it genuinely means she wasn't hungry - sometimes she isn't, and sometimes she'll eat lots.

The reason for my discretion about the takeaway was more because of what the children might have said (although what I bought isn't something they generally like). But it was also that I simply fanced what I wanted to get - it's something I never have - and I didn't want a big discussion about it.

DIY Dinner is fine but using the opportunity to buy yourself a takeaway and not anyone else is shittty.

I understand the not wanting to cook every night, although it sounds like you like the control of doing it yourself. That's not a dig, I prefer to do the cooking and shopping so I can control the budget and know we're eating well. It would be nice for others to take a turn, but you would have to accept and at least pretend to enjoy their offerings.
Getting your own take away is the selfish part. I don't understand why you wouldn't suggest you all get one.

@canigohomenow

Is a DIY dinner selfish? No.

Is getting yourself a takeaway whilst your - what, 10 and fourteen-year-olds? - fend for themselves and your wife isn't even consulted? Yes.

One rule for one, one rule for all. Surely if you got a takeaway everyone should have been offered. Including the kids. Your rule was 'as long as it is reasonably healthy' - you broke the rules.

Totally this.

Making your own is fine - sometimes its is nice to have something that only you enjoy and allowing your children some freedom

But getting a takeaway isnt a DIY dinner it is a treat

You paid for a treat for yourself and didnt offer it to anyone else.

Let your wife cook does it matter if you do it better (and do you or do you simply cook to your taste)

We have a similar routine in our house. DH cooks because he likes to. I also cook for everyone periodically which is something your DW doesn't seem to be allowed to do. If he doesn't fancy cooking then WE get a takeaway.
You broke your own rules by getting a takeaway, didn't tell your DW you were even doing that and seem to be taking some sort of perverse satisfaction from it all.
I'd love to hear her side of the story, especially the chores that she does that they might decide to 'DIY' in the future.

I am getting the sense that the takeaway was a bit about making your point, am I right?

Your wife seems to have been deliberately obtuse in order to try and ensure that she didn't have to sort her own dinner. (I'm noting she could easily have got herself a takeaway.) She deliberately misunderstood "diy" by thinking DC1 was cooking for everyone (can't make sense of that). Then decided she wasn't hungry (too lazy or making a point that she was piqued by the arrangement? ) Then despite declaring herself not hungry she was annoyed with you for getting yourself a takeaway and not offering to order for her too.

You are being criticised for not offering (and to be fair a family takeaway on Friday might be a better option) but if you wanted to make a point about "diy" being what was agreed, I can see that.

When I was a teen we had similar in our house. My mum did ALL the cooking including a big roast lunch and pudding on Sunday. She went out on Sunday evenings and that was the only meal she didn't prepare - it was get your own supper. She was also getting a bit fed up Roth dad not letting a finger domestically. Fine for me and my sister. But every week without fail my dad would "forget" the agreement and ask her as she was leaving if she'd left something and sad face at her when she said no. Then later when me or sister were making a fish finger sandwich or something he'd emerge and start doing all the "oh that looks nice" and assuming we were cooking for him (nope). Finally he'd give in but often ate stuff that he knew would annoy or inconvenience mum like most of a cake or half the packed lunch stuff for the week. Just saying this because I can see where you're coming from...

But getting a takeaway isnt a DIY dinner it is a treat. You paid for a treat for yourself and didnt offer it to anyone else

Exactly. It’s like you manipulated it so you could buy yourself a takeaway and not have to buy anyone else one. That’s why you didn’t offer.

@TomPinch this is just a very odd arrangement. It’s not very practical having 4 people cook 4 different meals in the same kitchen at the same time - are you students? Is this a hall of residence? Do you have multiple sinks and ovens? How do you/your DW know what to buy in advance?

If you like cooking, cook!
If you are fed up of always cooking, get a DC or your DW to do it - and yes you will have to tolerate the food that may not be up to your exacting standards.Bet it won’t kill you though.

Are you sure all chores are shared fairly or is DW doing extra elsewhere in the house? Maybe swap some jobs? Maybe she thinks she does all the eg washing and that’s why she went to bed in a huff? Without further information it’s really hard to know whether your DW WBU or not.

Incidentally I also think it’s really out of order for you to make your kids cook a healthy meal, expect your DW to cook herself something but get yourself a takeaway curry. A takeaway should be a family treat not something you sneak into the house to eat in secret, that’s just weird.

And if it’s ok because you ‘bought it with your own money’ how are your DC supposed to get what they want? Sounds selfish to me.

Poor kids, frankly this whole situation sounds a little toxic and I think when it comes to looking out for your DC both you and your DW are being VVV unreasonable.

TBH, it sounds as if you wanted an excuse to turn 'an occasional treat' into a Friday night dinner for you. If you can afford it, fair enough, no harm, but I think it may have come across as a bit disingenuous to say you had this plan for everyone cooking their own, and then to decide you were doing treat day instead.

Just go talk to her, though. Figure out why she's upset. We can't really know.

I wouldn’t have guessed that DIY dinner meant everyone making and eating separate things, and separate times.

I’d have thought it was something like chicken fajitas - all eating together, but constructing your own at the table.

This just sounds like there’s a whole subject of you being pissed off that she doesn’t cook.

The “sneaking out” for a takeaway sounds petty, and I’m not convinced by the backtracking reasons.

If you’re not happy with the split of jobs in the house - talk to her about it, instead of telling the Internet about all your healthy choices. Go you!