DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

@Astrid09 @Havaiana

I hadn’t assumed that @TomPinch is a man, there are many same sex couples who post on MN.

My comment (that their behaviour was unreasonable and weird) is applicable whether man or woman.

Lottie I do all the cooking because dp works full time and I don't. I'm also a better cook.

But believe me he'd be getting short shrift if we both worked full time and the expectation was that all cooking was on me and if I dared take a break from that task I'd be expected to think for other people and deal with their temper tantrums. Nope. Wouldn't happen.

If the OP had been presumed to be a woman (( Tom Pinch is also a character In a Dickens novel )) then the responses would be very, different

@amispeakingenglish

Don't think she has a leg to stand on! She could have either cooked or got a takeaway herself. She has had the utter luxury of you cooking all these years and has got spoilt. Also its a bit manipulative

, going to bed without eating. She is an adult and perfectly capable of feeding herself. I wish I had someone to cook for me! My young adults still moan if I don't cook a lot of the time! I hate having to cook. That the price of the high cost of housing, they should have all moved out and I could please myself!

Are you for real??😂😂 His partner works full time, he only works part time, yet according to himself the household chores have been split evenly with both of them pulling their weight. The op has chosen to do the dinners as he only likes his own cooking. So please tell me how the hell its a LUXURY for his family and they’re SPOILT ROTTEN because he does his household chores? Can you just imagine people saying something this to a mother like she’s actually doing her family a favour by taking care of their basic needs?

Dh regularly asks for this, usually he wants sandwiches or a take away and dc dont think sandwiches count as dinner or dont want take away. I do most of the cooking and sometimes it can be interesting seeing what dc decide. Dd 1, hates cooking so dd2 will cook and dd1 cleans up. Ds is doing well making his own meals but if dh has take away so will he. Its a win win for us.

Nothing to stop DW sending for a sneaky takeaway too.

His partner works full time, he only works part time,

Where does it say that @Scweltish?

I think Scweltish is confused, OP's post at Fri 25-Sep-20 11:42:17 clearly states that they both work full time.

I thought so unmarked

I honestly cannot imagine any mother I know, sneaking out for takeaway like OP did, not offering that as an option for anyone else, then declaring her 'conscience clear' on the matter

Absolutely this.
And I STILL don't buy the OP. Am I honestly the only one who thinks the post is some kind of reversal. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something reads oddly about the original post. Anyone else think so??

OP put me out of my misery and fess up!

I wasn't meaning to pop back but curiosity got the better of me. I haven't spoken with DW about it all yet (nor has she mentioned it). That's for entirely unrelated reasons, and shouldn't be taken to mean there is any sort of frost between us.

Yes, I can assure everyone that my question is genuine. I am curious to know why anyone would think it isn't. I'm also curious to know what's strange about it all - is it the way I write?

Just to clear up one recent point, I work about 40 hours a week and DW 30, so we are both FT. Also, kitchen stuff is far, far from the only thing I do. This is all beside the point though. I wasn't asking about whether chores were equally split because that isn't an issue in our house.

Also, Scweltish, we all enjoy food. It's a big part of family life. I cook the things we like, including special food for DW due to health reasons. It's an entirely positive thing. I do ask everyone what they like, and teach them stuff, precisely because it's a protection against me being controlling. Cooking for the family stresses DW out for various good reasons, although she is perfectly capable of making something for herself easily enough.

@PegasusReturns

Exactly *@lottiegarbanzo*

The expectation to be heralded as some sort of modern day hero roles off the OP on waves.

If in my mind I believed I was a modern-day hero I wouldn't have posted this thread, because I wouldn't have believed I needed any advice.

I'm not really interested in adulation from strangers. Or insults.

Your wife cant even be fucked to order a takeaway or make a crisp sandwich or something?

I think a working adult who does all the cooking deserves a takeaway when they fancy it - with no justification required.

Its not sneaky and no you dont have to offer it to anyone else on your night off. Otherwise it's just more mental load.

The kids can probably survive that. One of then whipped up their own jumbo pizza ffs, hardly like they were left to mouth on a heel of bread.

OP, you've just @ me - by quoting someone else. That was poor etiquette.

My own point (referred to by that poster) was more nuanced, evidenced by your own words and speaks for itself, upthread.

lottiegarbanzo I don’t think OP meant to do that. When you quote someone it also @s the person @‘d in the original post.

I'm sure he didn't mean to, or to annoy me but he did do it, carelessly. (Easy enough to knock the @ off).

I didn't appreciate being 'summoned' to view a little outburst of misdirected hyperbole - targeted against a comment with my username in bold in the middle, yet missing my and the quoted poster's point (about an expectation of gratitude within his own family ). Stroporama.

Ho hum.

I didn't realise quoting a post in which someone has been @'d means they get @'d again, and I doubt the OP did either, so any 'summoning' that happened is likely to have been entirely unintentional. Stroporama indeed!

Erm, ok then. I've explained the @ etiquette issue. So now you (and OP if he ever returns, again) do know. Helpful, I think?

@lottiegarbanzo

I'm sure he didn't mean to, or to annoy me but he did do it, carelessly. (Easy enough to knock the @ off).

I didn't appreciate being 'summoned' to view a little outburst of misdirected hyperbole - targeted against a comment with my username in bold in the middle, yet missing my and the quoted poster's point (about an expectation of gratitude within his own family ). Stroporama.

Ho hum.

lottiegarbanzo (trying not to @ you!)

You can’t knock off the @ from a quoted post, I just tried!

You can just quote the words you need though. You don't have to copy the whole post.

He wasn't talking about anything I'd said (partly because he'd misunderstood / chosen to misrepresent) what the poster who'd replied to me was saying. So he could just have left me out of it entirely.

@lottiegarbanzo
Get over yourself?

Sure, I could simply have resorted to a lazy ad hominem attack, rather than explain my point. Thanks for your example.

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I'd be annoyed if DH got a takeaway while I was in without telling me... I might want takeaway too and it just makes more sense to order at the same surely? Bit awkward if the delivery person has to come by twice!

On the whole though I think DIY dinner is a good idea. My DH is the main cook (does 90% of it) and sometimes complains that my slight fussiness limits what he can cook. I've said "no worries, you cook what you want and I'll cook what I want", but I think he likes that cooking is "his thing" (unless he's tired or busy, then I do it ofc)

I would just think logistics might scupper it - 4 people in the kitchen cooking different dishes but wanting the same utensils or competing with the oven/temperature. Could you not have everyone cook one course throughout the week for everyone? Eg pancakes on a Sunday morning, soup one lunchtime, pasta dish another eve, crumble for pudding, that sort of thing?

And maybe Friday night could be takeaway night for everyone :-)