DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

@IndecentFeminist

So how would anyone know what to buy? Do the kids get a say in the shopping for food?

Takeaways are a family treat here, not something the adults have and exclude the others,let alone one adult exuding the other.

Yes, if the kids want something, they just have to put it on the shopping list in time.

It sounds like a fab idea, especially being able to order stuff for own special meal so to speak. The only thing that sounds unfair is having the takeaway. We would never have a takeaway for 1 person in our house. All have it or no-one.

The whole idea is utterly bizarre. Why would four people living together be all cooking different meals on one night? Take it in turns or make it takeaway/picky food night. Also don't get why it's ok for you to have a takeaway but not the kids tbh.

When my DDs were living at home we had a weekly 'doofer' tea... as in you doofer yourself.

Took the stress off me cooking every day ( tbh it wasn't the cooking, it was thinking what we should have that got to me)

DC1 would find it hard to cook for 4? Really? They made an enormous pizza.

So they can make 4 pizzas 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just support them to begin with.

[quote Cocomarine]@TomPinch

If you were to ask people to vote, which do you think would get more?

Background: both my kids can cook and enjoy it. My wife doesn’t enjoy it, and can’t cook well. She’s not lazy, we split tasks overall fairly - she just doesn’t do cooking. I’d like a night off from cooking, and for the kids to get what they want, and practise. Which of these suggestions should we go with?

1. DIY Dinner night
2. Kids cook for all night, alternating the kid

Both 1 and 2 meet your aims. But option 1 is crap for one person. Can you see why she’s think option 2 was selfish?[/quote]
Do you mean a vote among my family? If so, option 1 would get (and appears to have) 3 to 1 in favour.

If you mean the thread, I actually thought I'd enabled voting, but tbh I'm more interested in people's comments as (on the whole) they will have read what I've written.

DW is perfectly capable of cooking for herself, so I don't think that's the issue. I think she probably doesn't like the individualistic nature of the arrangement.

I don't know why you even started this thread, as you're not interested in any replies that disagree with your view. Unless you just thought everyone would support you and your secret personal takeaway?

@SarahAndQuack did I? I was just trying to understand how your exact 50/50 balanced worked if you think someone is shirking so easily.

But as you said (and I did point this out to you earlier) she wasn’t fussed by OP not cooking. It says it in the OP.

She sounds hard work. In true mumsnet style I think you should LTB

@Cocomarine

DC1 would find it hard to cook for 4? Really? They made an enormous pizza.

So they can make 4 pizzas 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just support them to begin with.

Actually 4 pizzas would be a bitch to serve all at once assuming you have one oven...

I don’t know why cooking separate meals is so bizarre to some. I grew up in a large household and as young teens when mum took a break from cooking we individually knocked up chips/ pasta sauce from jar / frozen pizza / frozen cod fillet / cheese on toast / noodles / chickpea salad etc. I didn’t ask my siblings what they wanted and they certainly didn’t ask me! We washed up ourselves too.

@TomPinch I don’t mean a family vote, I mean a general vote (on here, or a theoretical group)

You know that your wife doesn’t like the individualistic nature of DIY dinner. That’s valid.

So why press on with a regular evening that isn’t that enjoyable for her?

If all of you liked Scrabble, and one of you wasn’t keen on Monopoly, which would you choose for your weekly game?

I think DIY dinner is an awful. You will either have everyone falling over each other in the kitchen or you are cooking and eating one after the other, plus four times the cooking utensils to clear. If you want a night off, which is totally reasonable, let someone else cook the dinner for everyone.

And I cannot believe you snuck off to get yourself a takeaway “when the coast “ was clear. How utterly selfish and childish, I would be very upset if my DH did that. YABU.

As I said, it's about negotiation, isn't it?

It seemed to me his wife might be bothered he was dropping a chore, that's all.

I don't see the issue we're disagreeing over here? You seem to think I am invested in a dead-equal split of chores; I'm just saying usually, people try to be fair and sometimes, someone thinks they've been hard done by. Not really a giant revelatory statement?

As I say, I've no clue what else is going on here now, but the OP asked us to comment, and that was my best shot.

@Asterion

I don't know why you even started this thread, as you're not interested in any replies that disagree with your view. Unless you just thought everyone would support you and your secret personal takeaway?

I'm honestly sorry that I've given that impression. It's really not true. The reason why I posted this (and I can't remember the last time I started a thread on AIBU) is because I genuinely wasn't sure if I was right and I wanted other people's comments.

I think I was unreasonable about the takeaway and will ask DW about it and see what she says.

As for what people think about the rest of the arrangement, I genuinely am thinking about what people have said.

@MiddleClassProblem homemade pizza is my go to when the kids have friends round (and their favourite choice)

We make them in ovals and use both oven shelves. 🤷🏻‍♀️

To me it sounds like the wife assumed that OP meant that the children would fend for themselves and OP would still cook for her.

OP I don't think you need to change anything about your DIY dinners on a Friday work well for the children. I would encourage them to cook their own meals on a Friday which will help them become more confident in the kitchen.

And as for your wife she can either work out how to make herself something or go hungry. Whether or not you do other chores is neither here not there.

For the majority of the children’s upbringing I did the cooking because I was at home, had the skills and time.

When we initiated meal planning I still did the majority but as they got older involved them in the choices and, sometimes, the preparation and cooking. We always did baking with them. DH was as involved as his work allowed due to frequent travelling.

We then introduced a rule that in Y13 they would choose, prepare and cook a meal for the family once a week in order to prepare them for Uni (based on DC1) or life!

I would be there for help, advice, etc. and then ease back as their confidence grew. They are all efficient cooks who will now experiment (yay!). When lockdown started everyone had to cook once a week which has worked really well.

We, also, have DIY meals which means they can either cook, have leftovers or whatever else they choose.

Is it possible to sit down all together and talk through how to move forward collectively so that no one feels it’s a chore but with support and encouragement to build confidence in the kitchen?

The takeaway was selfish...but then I don't understand separate money, bank accounts and buying for each other when married.

Is this all you have to worry about 😳😳😳😳

Great idea but could be changed slightly? When my boys were old enough, each week they would choose a recipe, I'd buy the ingredients and they'd make it for all of us to share. One son did it one week, the other the next. They loved it, gave me a break and we tried some great stuff as well as them learning to cook.

I cook 90% of meals in the house. Dh gets everyone a takeaway on a Thursday. The kids often ask me what's for dinner and if it's not something they particularly like, they may ask for a variation or say they will sort their own food out. Kids are 11 and 12 and perfectly capable of making pasta, pesto and cheese, or bacon, eggs and beans, a toastie or some beige shite out of the freezer.

If either myself or dh fancied a takeaway we would always extend the offer to whoever was in the house.

Actually 4 pizzas would be a bitch to serve all at once assuming you have one oven

Well you just share the first one or two and then cook the rest. Or if you follow the 'genius hack' going round FB a few days ago, you can cut the uncooked pizzas in half and then get 2 pizzas on one shelf.

@TomPinch when we both worked full time, 2 DCs for some years Friday night was takeaway night unless I felt like cooking. We took it in turns to choose what menu it was, chinese, indian, kfc, italian. Sometimes we booked a table at an inexpensive eatery that was fun too

You all deserve a night off once a week.

We do this, Wednesdays have always been DIY dinner and it is a huge relief for me to be able to come home and just have Vegan fish fingers and beans and forget about everyone else. The whole point ids that it is one night we all eat very simply, not an excuse for huge cooking operations for the sake of it. DH usually has pizza and our sons hoover up any ice leftovers and odd bits from the freezer.