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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:06

YABU to take your child’s chance of a two parent home away over a piece of paper, yes.

I’m divorced myself, and believe in two happy homes over one happy home. But I do think that you have a responsibility when you have children to do what you can to stay together where possible.

So if you’re going to give lots more reason to leave him - then maybe you should.

But if it boils down to you want marriage and he doesn’t, then your wish doesn’t trump his, and if you can make the relationship successful without marriage - do so for your child.

I wouldn’t dump him for not wanting marriage.
I might dump him for lying about it.

In any case, if the asset that’s yours is your home - I’d be saying dong marry anyway.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:07

Sorry, just to add, we're in our early 30s.
I wouldn't be leaving the relationship to find someone else. I'd be pretty much giving up on men at this point.
I'm just wondering is it better to be in a relationship with someone whose broken their promise, in the hope that one day he will ask....or is it better to have boundaries and be single mum to 3.
Plus points, I love him and he loves me, he's the calmest person I've ever met, hes hilarious, he's great with the kids and he's hands on with the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:08

Yes the asset I have is the home we live in.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:10

Those aren’t your only two choices though - stay, hoping he’ll ask, or leave.

Stay, knowing that he doesn’t want marriage. And make your future decisions based on that.

Given that the house is yours, I’d happily make my peace with not being married!

ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 11:10

YABU to leave a relationship and a child with a broken home because of the marriage issue.
YABU to deny a child a sibling simply because you are not married.

You would effectively be punishing your child because you haven't got what you wanted? I'm sorry but the marriage ship has likely sailed and you'll need to come to terms with that. This is why i made it categorically clear to DH before we had children that we had to be married first.

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:12

Oh - and if you stay and reconcile yourself to no marriage, do at least tell him to fuck off with the “tradition” shite when he:

  • lives with you
  • has sex with you
  • has a child with you
Hmm
mummmy2017 · 25/09/2020 11:13

You own the house.
He refuses to commit.
I think your better off keeping your assets, and realising your the winner here.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 11:13

Cocomarine

"But if it boils down to you want marriage and he doesn’t, then your wish doesn’t trump his, and if you can make the relationship successful without marriage - do so for your child."

But why does making the relationship successful without marriage trump the OP's need to protect her own financial security? The survival of the relationship isn't the ultimate concern for the children: its their protection and security.

OP you've said you have an asset I presume this is a property in which case the need for protection is somewhat less and you may actually be risking more by getting married as you are putting your equity at risk.

But the bottom line here is that you've asked him to make a commitment to protect your family's security, he's dicking you about with guff about wanting to propose first and has reneged on a commitment.

I don't think my trust in him could survive that.

Prig · 25/09/2020 11:14

Honestly if I were in your shoes, i'd not hide the fact that it's disappointing, but as a response, now that it's very clear, start building on my assets and keep everything separate. Because if he doesn't want marriage he doesn't want the full union. So keep everything, penny pinch to a point and make sure you build your own castle so you can do what you want in future. Make it work for you.

Russellbrandshair · 25/09/2020 11:15

But if it boils down to you want marriage and he doesn’t, then your wish doesn’t trump his, and if you can make the relationship successful without marriage - do so for your child

But it doesn’t boil down to her wish trumping his. It boils down to him LYING about wanting to get married, assuring and promising it will happen then not doing it. This has nothing to do with wish trumping and everything to do with him lying and promising stuff that he knows he won’t follow through on. That’s not a good quality in a partner.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:15

I just don't think I can get over the fact that he's broken promises and ruined something I really wanted. I grew up with parents never having been in a relationship, let alone married. Spent my twenties with an abusive fucktard, watched my friends get proposed to and married.

I wanted the same surname as at least one of my children. I feel like I was conned into giving the baby his name.

OP posts:
ShellsAndSunrises · 25/09/2020 11:15

You’ve left yourself with precious few options.

Would you want to marry him if he was only going through with it to keep you happy, or do you want an equal partner who is just as excited as you?

Would you be happy to be engaged and not actually marry, as he’s got no wish to do so, and won’t be keen to book or pay for it?

Lockheart · 25/09/2020 11:16

If you want to get married, ask him. Just get it done. Quick registry office job, no fuss.

If he doesn't want to, you'll need to decide what is more important to you - marriage, or what you have now.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:18

I've suggested quick registry office job. Neither of us have many friends. I don't need the party or the big event. I just want to feel like a proper family unit.
He says no, let me propose, blah blah. Basically just excuses.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:19

@Russellbrandshair

But if it boils down to you want marriage and he doesn’t, then your wish doesn’t trump his, and if you can make the relationship successful without marriage - do so for your child

But it doesn’t boil down to her wish trumping his. It boils down to him LYING about wanting to get married, assuring and promising it will happen then not doing it. This has nothing to do with wish trumping and everything to do with him lying and promising stuff that he knows he won’t follow through on. That’s not a good quality in a partner.

Right - and that’s why my same post that you only partially quoted said I might dump him for the lying 🤷🏻‍♀️

The reason I said might not would, is without the full info I suppose there’s a chance he wanted to marry then realised he bothered, or something. But generally - I’m with you on the lying not making a good partner.

Kit19 · 25/09/2020 11:19

ah the old "its just a bit of paper"

any legal contract is 'just a bit of paper' but I assume he doesnt forego e.g. mortgage or using itunes or sky or the gym or anything that requrires a contarct on the basis that 'it's just a bit of paper'

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:19

@ShellsAndSunrises that's the thing, at this point I feel like, could I really get married now anyway as the only way it will happen is me saying I'm leaving him and then him 'giving in'.

I'm just so angry.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:21

@MangoMarmalade

I just don't think I can get over the fact that he's broken promises and ruined something I really wanted. I grew up with parents never having been in a relationship, let alone married. Spent my twenties with an abusive fucktard, watched my friends get proposed to and married. I wanted the same surname as at least one of my children. I feel like I was conned into giving the baby his name.
Getting married won’t fix any of the past Flowers

Double barrel your child’s name now.

BashfulClam · 25/09/2020 11:22

You are actually in a stronger position not married since you own the property. He is not entitled to half in the event of a split unless his band is on it or you get married. Change your kids name to double barrelled version.

BewilderedDoughnut · 25/09/2020 11:22

If he wanted to marry you, he would have. It could also be the age old case of why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.

There are many similar cases where the couple split and the guy is married with baby on the way within 6 months of meeting someone else.

CaraDuneRedux · 25/09/2020 11:22

The "bit of paper" argument.

I remember what one of my friends (who genuinely does think it's a meaningless bit of paper) said to me. "If I'm really sincere when I say it's just a bit of paper, and I'm equally committed to my partner with or without it, BUT I know it does matter very much to him, then I should just get on with it - 'cos after all, if it's really 'meaningless' it's no skin off my nose going through with it in order to make him happy."

Reader, she married him. And they are still very happy 20 years and 5 kids later.

I'd cut my losses if I were you OP, and thank my lucky stars that the house was in my name only.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 11:23

@MangoMarmalade

I've suggested quick registry office job. Neither of us have many friends. I don't need the party or the big event. I just want to feel like a proper family unit. He says no, let me propose, blah blah. Basically just excuses.
Sorry to be blunt, but "no, let me propose" is man code for "I don't want to do this but I don't want to give up the free domestic labour and sex right now so I'm going to kick this can down the road."

Anyone who is sufficiently interested in "traditional" values that they believe the man needs to be the one to propose should also recognise a responsibility to cherish, protect and honour the person they are building a life with. He hasn't demonstrated these characteristics.

I personally wouldn't be able to get past this.

And I think the argument that you should cling onto having a two parent family at all costs in spite of this, as Cocomarine seems to be implying, is invalid.

Russellbrandshair · 25/09/2020 11:23

Right - and that’s why my same post that you only partially quoted said I might dump him for the lying

Exactly. It’s the lying and promising stuff that he knows full well he is t going to carry through that the issue here. Nothing to do with them simply having different wishes in life!

areyoubeingserviced · 25/09/2020 11:23

I understand why you are upset Op.
He promised to propose and he didn’t. He lied to get you to do what he wanted
He doesn’t want marriage. It’s your decision as to whether you want to remain in a relationship.
Sorry Op, but I would hate to be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to marry me

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:25

@thepeopleversuswork the OP’s reasons for marriage are not related to financial protection for her children. She is (currently at least) better off NOT married, financially.

Honestly OP, decide whether or not you want to stay with him - sure.

But if you do marry him, be very very careful that you’re not buying your fairytale of a husband and one surname with tens of thousands of pounds lost if it goes wrong.