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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:

seayork2020 · 25/09/2020 11:44

I thought in the uk living together is the same as being married when it comes to finance ie your house?

Why not get legal advice and not have anymore children till you get married?

CoRhona · 25/09/2020 11:45

YABU - if it was that important, you shouldn't have had a baby together. Far too late to be throwing around ultimatums

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2020 11:45

[quote MangoMarmalade]@ivfbeenbusy he pays all of the bills. [/quote]
He's being a wimp and lying to avoid confrontation but I'm not sure that equates to walking over you.
He pays all the bills for a house he doesn't own or have a formal legal share in, including covering the costs for two kids that aren't his and presumably op is getting CS for the kids. He's hardly a cocklodger

SallySeven · 25/09/2020 11:45

No I wouldn't say that. I'm pro marriage personally. But it's not for everyone.

But whatever you decide take legal advice to make sure your children don't lose out to a spouse in the event of divorce or death.

( Nothing personal meant he sounds from what you say like a good dad.)

CoRhona · 25/09/2020 11:45

@seayork2020 it most definitely is not the same...

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:46

@MangoMarmalade

I thought a pre nup would protect the house or are there ways of getting around that?

You shouldn’t even be thinking about getting married if you have done even the simplest google search!

A pre-nup (or post-nup) is not legally binding. However, our legal system is based on case law (the history of judge’s decisions on previous cases) and increasingly pre-nups are taken into account as evidence of the intention of the parties - when they are made PROPERLY. (no duress, well in advance, with full disclose, with both parties receiving independent legal advice)

TwentyViginti · 25/09/2020 11:47

@newnameforthis123

He would rather not marry you than marry you and (if you split later down the line) potentially have a stake in a £400k house as a marital asset.

That means he really, really doesn't want to get married so it won't happen. He's lied about it loads of times, that's what's so bad about this. His right not to want to get married but he led you on for years and years and convinced you to give baby his last name based on that lie.

He doesn't sound like marriage material himself to be honest.

I agree with this.

Also, are you sure he's not married to someone else? Not finalised a divorce?

Russellbrandshair · 25/09/2020 11:48

I thought in the uk living together is the same as being married when it comes to finance ie your house

No that’s a myth. Cohabiting and both contributing to joint assets does give you some rights but it also doesn’t give you rights to individual assets that marriage does

Original poster

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:48

I had a baby with him because I trusted him. My mistake clearly!

I am coming to the conclusion that no, I wouldn't want to marry him as like I said, it would only be because I've forced him into it.

I just feel so angry with him and with myself. I feel like I've lost out on something massive...watching friends get proposed to and married, being able to call them their husband instead of 'boyfriend', have that family unit etc and it's not something I'll ever have.
That may sound unfeminist and pathetic but it's just how I feel.

OP posts:

MyOwnSummer · 25/09/2020 11:48

Please don't push him into marriage OP, it won't make him any more committed and it may in fact push him away, taking half your wealth with him.

You are actually on a winner here, massively. You've got two choices that you can control - 1) accept the status quo 2) get back into work so that you can cover food and utilities yourself, and kick him out.

BeachLane · 25/09/2020 11:48

Not sure if YABU or YANBU. I think you're maybe asking the wrong question. You said

I'm just wondering is it better to be in a relationship with someone whose broken their promise, in the hope that one day he will ask

Surely if you love him you love him and you wouldn't even be thinking of leaving if it's a good relationship. A bit of paper won't change that. But there's obviously an issue between you over marriage - you want it, for some reason he just puts it off and won't be straight with you.

Rather than giving him an ultimatum (marry me or I leave), can't you both just have an honest discussion about your views on marriage, why you want it, why he doesn't, etc? And then you have all the info you need to decide whether it's really so important to you that you'd end the relationship over it.

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:49

@seayork2020

I thought in the uk living together is the same as being married when it comes to finance ie your house?

Why not get legal advice and not have anymore children till you get married?

Are you in the UK? Within the UK, there are even two separate legal systems that treat divorce finances differently. I cannot believe how many times on MN I see people think this

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 11:49

There's two issues here:

a) the financial security point: the house does give you some security and getting married would put that at risk. If you are questioning the relationship you may be better off unmarried. But you are not working and presumably don't have an income stream. You don't want to have to sell the house to liquidate assets. If you are raising children with him, the fact that he seems not to consider your financial security as his responsibility is a concern.

b) the trust and relationship point: he's made it clear that he doesn't want to be married to you and has reneged on a promise to do it. You seem to be more bothered about this than the financial point and he doesn't seem to be considering his as important.

My personal view is that you would be best cutting your losses, keeping your house and splitting up.

CaraDuneRedux · 25/09/2020 11:49

It's really about committment, rather than the bit of paper.

But when one partner knows the other really wants marriage, yet refuses (or worse, lies about "maybe in a few years") - barring really serious reasons like being the child of a very messy divorce themselves - what they're actually saying is "I'm not that committed to you."

I've watched this scenario play out many, many times.

On every occasion where the marriage-isn't-important partner has stuck to their guns, the partnership has foundered. In the vast majority of those the marriage-isn't-important partner then marries (yes, marries) someone else within 2 years.

Where the marriage-isn't-important partner genuinely is committed to the relationship, in my experience they always end up saying "well, it's not important to me, but it is important to my partner, and I love them and want to make them happy and it's no skin off my nose." And they get married. And it seems to work well, because the committment was always there.

It's about the underlying commitment, and what being prepared to/refusing to marry someone who cares deeply about marriage says about that underlying commitment.

(NB none of the above applies, obviously, to partnerships where neither partner is fussed about marriage.)

KatherineJaneway · 25/09/2020 11:50

@mummmy2017

You own the house. He refuses to commit. I think your better off keeping your assets, and realising your the winner here.

I agree.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 25/09/2020 11:51

OP I completely understand your feelings on this.

I have been with my OH for 13 years. Marriage has always been "on the table"

When my child was born 9 years ago I had the same conversation about surname.

He said we would definitely be getting married so I gave child his surname.

Now me and my son have different names and still no proposal.

I've given up now.

My dad has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I know he will never get to walk me down the isle. Because of that I'm harbouring serious resentment and part of me thinks why am I with someone who doesn't care enough about me to marry me?!

AlternativePerspective · 25/09/2020 11:51

While ultimately I am a believer in marriage, if you’re happy to have a child with someone, then marriage is just a piece of paper, and ending a relationship because you’re not getting that piece of paper is ridiculous, especially when you’re deliberately breaking up the family of the child you chose to have outside of marriage.

Original poster

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:52

@SleepingStandingUp yes eldest twos bio dad doesn't pay a penny currently as is not officially working....so CMS can't wage deduct.

DP works full time, earns about 50k as a sub contractor for building construction company , pays all our bills, food, car etc. Treats eldest two as his own.

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 25/09/2020 11:52

You could get a cohabitation agreement. Make sure it spells out that the house is yours. It may be the wake up call he needs. If he disagrees he can always live elsewhere for a while.

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:53

@MangoMarmalade can I gently suggest that therapy would be a less financially risky way to address those feelings, than risking a fuckton of money?!

GreyShadow · 25/09/2020 11:53

Oh darling the more you say about your passed relationships and how unhappy this current one is making you makes me feel you need some counselling to see why you feel that need to be married. That it's proof he loves you.

He's blatantly lied to you, I can understand the hurt from that.

You are in such a strong position, and as with PPs I'm not sure I'd ever marry if I was that financially secure. Why give some man half my house which should go to my kids???

But that's by the by, it doesn't help how or why you're feeling this desperate need to be married. And I think that's what you have to reflect on. Do you want to get married because you don't trust him and think this will make your relationship more "safe" or you think he'll be less likely to leave you/hurt you?

I'm sure there will be some wiser MNetters will point you in the right direction for advice and guidance.

HollowTalk · 25/09/2020 11:54

So he is living rent-free in your house, has a child with you, has sex with you and then says he's traditional?!

52andblue · 25/09/2020 11:54

If you force the issue, he still hasn't asked you 'because he wanted to' but because you forced it - so not worth having emotionally and ESP not worth risking half a house for - don't go there!!

I'd either learn to live with it or become a single parent if it is a dealbreaker for you (as yes he IS kicking it down the road and doesnt want to, for whatever reason and yes you do 'deserve more' but that's all he will, willingly, offer)

honeylulu · 25/09/2020 11:54

Solicitor here. PPs are right. You are much better off not being married because of the property. I'm surprised he's not keener to be honest.

Please listen when I tell you: marriage has nothing to do with tradition and romance. It's a legal/ financial contract and you're better off without it. You keep your asset and he funds your life and your children - sounds all right to me! You can be romantic and traditional without being married.

He doesn't seem keen anyway which is a slight to your pride. He's really fobbing you off by stringing you along because he needs to be the one to propose . Wasn't so traditional about having a baby out of wedlock.

It's a shame about the surname but can't be changed now (unless he agrees). If you feel really strongly you could change your surname to his by deed to be the same as baby.

Pogmella · 25/09/2020 11:58

Stop taking contraception if you want more kids. Tell him it’s ‘tradition’ for the man to manage it or for you to abstain until marriage.

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