Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

[MangoMarmalade]

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

For this next little bit, until you get your equilibrium, do what is easiest as far as sleep training. If that means abandoning it for now, that's fine. If it means formula or whole milk and staying the course, that's fine too.

You've just been through a trauma. You need time to heal your own psyche. Find peace and calm where you can, when you can. And I mean that seriously. He's gone and good riddance. Feel the calm in your home, the lack of stress about 'will he/won't he', no more worries about the state of his finances. From now on it's all your way, your rules. Allow yourself to feel a profound sense of relief. Yes, you will mourn the relationship. But remember that you are mourning the loss of your dream of what your life would be, not the reality of what it actually was.

You'll rise and life will be wonderful. Breathe deep.

crikey OP you've been on a constant emotional rollercoaster, and Im going to be honest, I believe you are far better off without him. 🌺

He has essentially lied to you throughout your relationship. Do with that as you wish.

I exclusively BF my two but after each of them turned 1, I started giving them some cow's milk (full fat) , even though I continued BFing for a long time after that.

So he's left. Good riddance, I'd say. I'd also say he was probably planning it anyway, since he's done it so fast and without arguing at all. Well, breathe deeply and plan your next steps now, at least there are no worries about the house, you have yours and this is something FANTASTIC! Tomorrow you can apply for the Universal Credit as a single parent to get what you're entitled and let the council know that he has left so you can get the single person discount. Inquire about child maintenance as well, you two have a child together and he needs to support his kid. Also check with the utility companies to make sure you are on the best deal, if not, switch to the best deal you can get.

Step by step, one thing at a time. After all these are sorted, you can have a thought about what you would like to do later, when your little one is older, whether you'd like to get a qualification, look into opening another business, or getting a job. But that's for later. Now breathe deeply, try to get some rest and spend time with the children. You are in a good position, you have your house and your little ones and things will be fine for you, you'll see.

@MangoMarmalade

Thanks everyone so much!!

@Annasgirl that may be a great help, I didn't think of moving her on to formula because technically she doesn't 'need' breast milk or formula after 12 months but if it worked for you I will try this?

Or just cows milk?

I’d just quietly get that birth certificate changed so the surname is yours at the end. Add your surname. Forge the signature.

Then don’t marry. Keep your asset. When you eventually split because he’s lied and string you along about something else, you’ll still have your house and can start using whatever surname you wish for your child.

God sorry I didn’t see most recent updates!

Yes, get that birth certificate changed. He lied to you. Fuck him. Start using your surname.

@FizzyGreenWater - it has moved on Fizzy. But you usually have great advice so the OP might need some practical advice from you.

OP, I moved to formal because I did that with DC1 - but of course I had to as she was only 5 months!!

Actually with DC3 who was 14 months I moved on to cows milk as NannyOg said. It was a life saver - mine slept very badly while being EBF and kept waking for feeds. This all stopped once they were 100% fed on milk or formula.

Also, now you won't even have to sterilise bottle so it is a great time to change over.

Best of luck op.
Move on from ebf you’ve done your bit.
Totally agree with the rant about these unmarried men insisting their kids take their surname 🙄🙄🙄🙄. Talk about cherry picking the traditions that suit them. Outrageous

OP, I've read the first half of the thread but no time to read the second as it's very long. The advice PPs have given about protecting your assets is sound, but there are a number of other loudly clanging warning bells to this story. Particularly this: he was very, very angry when I told him I'd be giving my surname as we weren't married.

Why? If your uterus is good enough so is your name. It's 'tradition' (which he seems hellbent on upholding when it suits his purposes) for a baby to take the mother's surname, not the father's. He's bullied you into capitulating to his wants, using anger to get his own way.

And this: You also said he's sworn he wouldn't try to take the house. But he swore he'd propose to you, too. The man is a proven liar and you should be very leery about trusting anything he says he will or won't do. And this: he says 'it's tradition for the man to ask! FFS, that alone would have me hightailing out of that relationship so fast you wouldn't see me for the burning tyre marks behind me.

In your position I'd do three things: 1. See a solicitor asap about safeguarding my assets; 2. complete that degree, think about retraining, take up a career, and keep your finances separate; and 3. not even consider marrying him whether he proposes or not.

I don't want to sound patronising OP, but some of your posts have made my heart go out to you and wish you could see yourself for the value you undoubtedly have. You continually berate yourself by asking yourself 'why am I not good enough to be his wife?' Please don't do that to yourself. Try to reframe that question, firstly in the light that 'he might not value me, but I value myself'. And secondly, rather than seeing yourself as 'desperate' for marriage (would you say this to a dear friend who had the same very natural desires as you?) consider it this way. Do you, really and truly, want HIS lousy hand in marriage?

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

OP, I've read the first half of the thread but no time to read the second as it's very long. The advice PPs have given about protecting your assets is sound, but there are a number of other loudly clanging warning bells to this story. Particularly this: he was very, very angry when I told him I'd be giving my surname as we weren't married.

Why? If your uterus is good enough so is your name. It's 'tradition' (which he seems hellbent on upholding when it suits his purposes) for a baby to take the mother's surname, not the father's. He's bullied you into capitulating to his wants, using anger to get his own way.

And this: You also said he's sworn he wouldn't try to take the house. But he swore he'd propose to you, too. The man is a proven liar and you should be very leery about trusting anything he says he will or won't do. And this: he says 'it's tradition for the man to ask! FFS, that alone would have me hightailing out of that relationship so fast you wouldn't see me for the burning tyre marks behind me.

In your position I'd do three things: 1. See a solicitor asap about safeguarding my assets; 2. complete that degree, think about retraining, take up a career, and keep your finances separate; and 3. not even consider marrying him whether he proposes or not.

I don't want to sound patronising OP, but some of your posts have made my heart go out to you and wish you could see yourself for the value you undoubtedly have. You continually berate yourself by asking yourself 'why am I not good enough to be his wife?' Please don't do that to yourself. Try to reframe that question, firstly in the light that 'he might not value me, but I value myself'. And secondly, rather than seeing yourself as 'desperate' for marriage (would you say this to a dear friend who had the same very natural desires as you?) consider it this way. Do you, really and truly, want HIS lousy hand in marriage?

Tip: You can just read the OP's posts now if you haven't time to RTFT. (or at least read the last few posts. Things have moved on)

HTH

Gosh! I consider my wrist well and truly slapped.

Thank you for taking valuable time out of your day to re-educate me, Nanny. I remain,

Duly and Humbly Appreciative,

MvA xxx

I don't think HE'S good enough for YOU OP.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.

I would change your childs name too.

He coerced you into doing this with anger.

As you leave the FOG, you will see this.

You are so much better than him, HE just isn't good enough for you.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Gosh! I consider my wrist well and truly slapped.

Thank you for taking valuable time out of your day to re-educate me, Nanny. I remain,

Duly and Humbly Appreciative,

MvA xxx

That's a bit off when she was trying to help. Not everyone knows you can highlight just the OP's posts.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Gosh! I consider my wrist well and truly slapped.

Thank you for taking valuable time out of your day to re-educate me, Nanny. I remain,

Duly and Humbly Appreciative,

MvA xxx

You're very welcome.

We aim to please.

Sounds like you are throwing your toys out of the pram OP. He will propose, just let him do it in his own time. Why rush if you want to spend the rest of your lives together?
My now husband proposed after 4.5yrs together & we married 8.5yrs with our girls being present!

@BigBreastedMumma

Sounds like you are throwing your toys out of the pram OP. He will propose, just let him do it in his own time. Why rush if you want to spend the rest of your lives together? My now husband proposed after 4.5yrs together & we married 8.5yrs with our girls being present!

You've not read the whole thread have you?

Sounds like you are throwing your toys out of the pram OP.

SOUNDS like you really haven't read this Thread... 🙄

I hope your okay OP 🌺

Admittedly no. So I do apologise.

@MH1111

Marriage is the worst financial decision you can make if you have the house and he’s doesn’t.

Marriage is an outdated religious construct that facilitates both mental and physical abuse, it was created when we thought the earth was flat and we could cure diseases with spells!

Finances apart, this is just prejudiced and silly. Marriage is in my experience a life-long partnership of joining forces, building on strengths, supporting weaknesses and parenting together. People treat each other badly without any contract, you know. Also your account of the origin of marriage has no foundation in historical fact.

Well done. Go NC.

Now is not the time to bugger around sleep training -now is the time to make sure you get a good night's sleep and recharge your batteries and get YOUR friends and family around you. Bugger him. Totally and utterly bugger him.