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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 25/09/2020 12:18

@MangoMarmalade

Thanks for the advice will look into getting agreement drawn up that house remains mine if we split
When he realises this he may propose. What will you say then? I would say no and that 'it's only a bit of paper' after all...
Lexilooo · 25/09/2020 12:18

Change the baby's surname to yours. If he objects tell him it is just a piece of paper.

If he wants another baby tell him not unless you are married first it's traditional. You know like men proposing.

He can decide on his priorities.

myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 12:18

He was "very, very angry" Hmm

He sounds a prick if I'm honest but not a very bright one thankfully otherwise he'd be taking you on for money from the house - all in the name of romance

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:18

@SodaPerson in my opinion being married represents commitment.

If DP doesn't want to make me his 'wife' then it seems to me like a lack of commitment and respect.

I hate calling him my 'boyfriend' as it just doesn't represent a family unit to me.

OP posts:
Bravefarts · 25/09/2020 12:20

Don't risk losing your house by getting married!

Marriage is a contract, it's a patriarchal property contract. Please work out who gains from that property contract before you enter it. Marraige isn't about romance. Why not have a mystical romantic handfasting commitment ceremony, if you like? But don't get married unless you want the property contract.

It's not only a bit of paper, it's you giving away half your (and your children's) home. And, yes, make sure he waivers any claim in case of a split- it's only a piece of paper, that, so he won't be bothered about it.

Russellbrandshair · 25/09/2020 12:20

I’m not sure why people keep banging on about marriage being unimportant to them. How is that relevant? It’s important to the OP just as we are all different and like different things. It matters to the OP and it’s HER relationship. It’s got nothing to do with other people not wanting marriage fgs.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:20

To me I feel like, I could be someone he's just impregnated. I'm not good enough or valued enough to be a wife.

As illogical as that is, it's how I feel!

OP posts:
giletrouge · 25/09/2020 12:21

Yeah the 'very, very angry' bit is worrying, OP.
How long have you been together? Sorry if I've missed this bit.

Bravefarts · 25/09/2020 12:21

Exactly, you're your own free person he choses to be with. So much better than you being his property.

1forAll74 · 25/09/2020 12:22

Have you actually sat down and had a proper conversation,to find out the real reasons he hasn't proposed or is declining to get married, instead of giving these throwaway other comments. You then might be able to decide on your future if his answers are not to your liking.

HollowTalk · 25/09/2020 12:22

I wouldn't want to marry anyone who got very, very angry.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 12:23

SodaPerson

But the point about marriage which gets lost amid all the Disney princess stuff and endless navel-gazing about dresses and rings and table plans is that its financial protection for the partner raising the children (usually, though not always, the woman).

I totally agree with you at a personal level: marriage as a concept means nothing to me whatsoever.

But if you aren't working and you're raising children marriage gives you a degree of insurance that you won't be left high and dry if he gets bored and runs off with a younger model. That is really all it is. Nothing more.

In this particular instance the OP has no need of it and is probably better off unmarried.

But as a point of principle: when a woman wants to get married for whatever reason and the bloke says "I need to be the one to propose because that's what the man does" its a fairly reliable guarantee that he isn't prepared to give the woman the legal or financial protection for which marriage was designed. Which means he's probably not the right man.

CaraDuneRedux · 25/09/2020 12:23

It's also worth thinking seriously about what marriage does in practical terms, because the interesting thing (to me at any rate) is that these don't matter to you in your particular circumstances.

The main purpose of marriage (and this may sound arse-about-face, but it's actually true) is to protect you financially if it ends.

If someone's spouse dies, they inherit the house without having to pay death duty for instance (a major consideration in the SE where the average family home will take you over the inheritance limit). If a couple divorces, it protects the partner who put their career on the back-burner or even gave up their career to look after the children. The assumption is that assets (like the house) are owned jointly, regardless of who paid more into the mortgage (because, for instance, one partner, usually the woman, deciding to stay at home frees the other up to continue their career unaffected, so it's clear the high-flying partner materially benefitted from the other partner's decision).

These considerations don't apply in your case, because you are the one who owns the house. (In fact, barring worries about lack of committment and him lying to you, I'd say that in your situation you are actually better off not married).

So focus on the underlying issues - is it that you're worried he isn't committed? Are you worried that he's lying (or at least leading you up the garden path and "future faking") and thus being dishonest and this is no basis for a lasting partnership?

There's something here worrying you enough to post on an anonymous chat board, and it may be that the whole marriage thing is just the most in-your-face symptom, rather than the underlying problem.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:23

No he's extremely calm 99% of the time. He just got really stern which is so unlike him,when I announced I wanted the baby to have my surname and absolutely insisted on giving his! We had an argument about it where I said how he'd broken promises of getting married so I had no reason to believe he would ever marry me, therefore baby would have my surname, very important to me as i had given eldest kids exes surname.

I do feel very betrayed on this.

OP posts:
thetemptationofchocolate · 25/09/2020 12:23

I'd be wary of marriage with this man. Marriage is a solemn vow, he's already broken his promises to you OP, so who's to say he would take marriage vows seriously?

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:24

*he absolutely promised we would get married within a year or so, and I would therefore have the same surname as my baby!

OP posts:
Prettybluepigeons · 25/09/2020 12:25

Why did you have a baby before you got the ring on your finger?

How important is marriage to you? To me it was essential.
You need to decide.

To me, if he doesn't want to marry me its because he doesn't love me enough and I couldn't live like that forever.

Bravefarts · 25/09/2020 12:25

You know you can change your surname without marriage? Or you can not change your surname with marriage?

The only thing marriage will do is give him rights to half the home. Why do you want to give away your home if you split?!

helpmum2003 · 25/09/2020 12:25

What is your financial situation? You say you have an asset but aren't working?

giletrouge · 25/09/2020 12:25

Extremely calm most of the time and very very angry are two sides of the same coin; someone who has a dangerous brew bubbling. My father was like that. Calm as a pond - until he wasn't.

pencilpot99 · 25/09/2020 12:26

Absolutely agree with what @honeylulu said. Change the baby's surname if you can, but avoid getting married. It might be interesting to see what he says if you tell him you've changed your mind and you don't want to get married but do want a cohabitation agreement drawn up to protect your assets. You might find suddenly getting married is very much back on the cards.

Also do you have a will? As you have a sizeable asset and children it is, if anything, more important that both you and he have your wills drawn up asap.

Finally, it is disappointing thinking that maybe you will never get married and you feel you're missing out on that particular dream. However, I promise you, in 10 years time when half your friends will be going through messy divorces, you might be thanking your lucky stars you are in a relatively fortunate and secure position. I know that's not romantic but that's just life. Having been through a messy divorce myself and emerged the other side, I'm now in a long-term, comitted and loving relationship. We initially talked about getting married but it hasn't happened and, although a few years ago, I felt a little disappointed, we are so completely committed to each other and I am personally in a much stronger position financially as a single person. I don't have that same urge/need to be tied by marriage.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/09/2020 12:27

Op in your position I would focus on yourself
Get some counselling to explore your feelings about marriage and commitment
Get back to work
Get legal documentation sorted on the house
Double barrel your babies name
Focus on your health, career, hobbies
Do this for a year. See how you feel then

ChicCroissant · 25/09/2020 12:27

So what has triggered this now, OP? Because there must have been something to make this bother you when you've gone along with it before?

Honestly, I get the impression that you want him to make some public display for others to see and I think there is a reason for that. May not be a reason you want to discuss on here (which is absolutely fine) but if there is something else going on, I'd tackle that rather than the lack of a proposal.

Redwinestillfine · 25/09/2020 12:27

Think of it this way op. You are (legally) single. You don't owe him anything. Should you wish to, you could up and leave at any point. He would keep his job, and be able to arrange shared custody of the baby, but otherwise gets nothing. You could meet someone tomorrow. You are not tied to this man.

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 12:27

Think about your reasons for wanting to marry him.
Are they about commitment and respect?
They’re not (and please - I’m not saying that you’re not committed to him, or don’t redirect him!)
You want to marry him because it represents what you didn’t have in your childhood or in your abusive relationship.
Just look at divorce statistics... a wedding doesn’t mean commitment.
My ex husband had multiple affairs, before and after our marriage! (I didn’t know, before Shock)
Stop thinking of a marriage as being a fairy tale ending, or the pinnacle of relationships.

Commitment and respect are shown through actions not - in this case I’ll say it! - a piece of paper!

I’ve been married twice now, never changed my name, my children have first husband’s name - my decision.

It’s not a wedding ring or a shared name that makes you feel someone is committed. It’s things like not lying Flowers