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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:35

@Cocomarine yes there's no mortgage, it's an inherited 400k house (I am very lucky I know).

OP posts:
Deadringer · 25/09/2020 11:36

Just a piece of paper my arse. If that was the case why wouldn't he just do it? It really depends on how much you want it. If you really want to be married, set a date, and tell him if he wants to continue the relationship that is what is happening. He can say no if he wants, and you can split up. If he decides he wants to continue the relationship and wants to propose, he now knows the time frame. Don't spend your life waiting for him to decide your future.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:36

@AnneLovesGilbert no I don't get maintenance for the older two (their father is beyond reckless) and I have no career - he earns way more than I ever could.

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:36

*feckless

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:37

@thepeopleversuswork I am absolutely with you on naff, sexist and duplicitous!

I don’t think he is trying to avoid financial commitment, not it’s clear that the OP owns the house outright.

The big issue here is definitely the lying 😕

SallySeven · 25/09/2020 11:37

So The house is yours and you have two children that are not his.

You and your three children would be better off if you are off not married.

Russellbrandshair · 25/09/2020 11:37

Just abit of paper” 🙄🙄 what like a passport or a £50 note

Lol right? It’s not just a piece of paper. It has legal significance and gives rights that cohabiting does not. I wonder if those people who say that hand wads of cash away- it’s ONLY bits of paper after all right? 😆

DappledOliveGroves · 25/09/2020 11:38

Bollocks to that, OP. He doesn't want to marry you. He's led you up the garden path. I'm so sorry you're in this shitty situation. It truly sucks and it must be devastating.

I'd just take control, leave the relationship and have some time alone. If you leaving suddenly spurs him into wanting marriage then great, but get a pre-nup and protect your house.

Don't let him walk all over you anymore.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:38

@SallySeven So really I need to realise in my position I shouldn't get married ever? I haven't really thought about it that way. Maybe I really should!!

OP posts:
Itawapuddytat · 25/09/2020 11:39

I would not like to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to marry me, if this is what I want from a relationship. If it's only "a piece of paper" to him, why wouldn't he do it, if that piece of paper is unimportant for him but so important for me? And no way I would have a second child in this situation (I personally wouldn't have had a baby with him at all before marriage, but the child is here now so this can't be changed, and he DID promise marriage, didn't he? A promise he broke).

... however, you need to keep it in mind that by marrying you, your asset, the house, becomes joint property and in case of divorce he has rights to a share of it. But his assets, pension etc. become joint assets too. So it all the details needs to be considered.

DianaT1969 · 25/09/2020 11:39

OP, give your head a wobble on the fairytale 'I'm a bride and feel validated by being asked' nonsense.
You aren't answering questions on whether you've looked into getting the children's names back to yours, or if you can double-barrel them.
You have a home. You have children. Get a career. Meet the future as an independent woman who has control over her life.
The wedding and engagement thing is bllsit because he has been quite clear that he doesn't want to marry you. That's what you're having a hard time accepting. It is rejection and hurtful. Drop it and take marriage off the table. Tell him (with conviction and meant it) that he missed his opportunity and the subject is closed.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:39

I thought a pre nup would protect the house or are there ways of getting around that?

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 25/09/2020 11:40

If he believed in and wanted marriage, he would ask. You've spoken about it at length so it can't be that he's shy or nervous surely? Does he know it makes you feel "less than"?

newnameforthis123 · 25/09/2020 11:40

He would rather not marry you than marry you and (if you split later down the line) potentially have a stake in a £400k house as a marital asset.

That means he really, really doesn't want to get married so it won't happen. He's lied about it loads of times, that's what's so bad about this. His right not to want to get married but he led you on for years and years and convinced you to give baby his last name based on that lie.

He doesn't sound like marriage material himself to be honest.

ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 11:41

To be honest I can't reconcile the "I'm desperate" and it's what "I've always wanted" with the fact you had a child together in the first place when it's well known most men once children are on the scene feel less of an incentive to get married 🤷‍♀️

forcing the issue is akin to selling him half your house to get a ring on the finger?? Which is a bit desperate in itself really?

since you co habit and presumably he pays half the bills on the house anyway he'd be entitled to a financial share of your house whether you are married or not and you shouldn't be naive about that

Still1nLove · 25/09/2020 11:41

Don’t be fooled by the thought that marriage is in anyway about romance, it isn’t. My dh and I decided in a phone call while we were both at work, to get married. I called the registry office and we were married within 3 weeks, no romance or ceremony. We have been married 20 years (separated for 3, reconciled at the beginning of this year). Yes being married does feel secure for me, I know we have a connection with each other.
What would bother me in your situation, is his disregard for your feelings when you made it clear to him that you wanted to get married.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:41

I cannot change my eldest twos surname because their father is on the birth cert and won't allow it. DP May consent to changing our one year olds to double barrelled.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 25/09/2020 11:41

Prenups don't work in the UK in the way we see them on USA TV.
The law overrides them unless there are very unusual circumstances. But you can get advice on that.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2020 11:41

If him saying he will and continuing not to is a deal breaker then tell him. Bit is it actually worth it?

Do the eldest child see their Dad? Are they close to your current partner? Would he want to continue seeing them if you split? Do you think he'd want shared custody of your shared child? How do finances currently work? If he pays a fair share, can you afford to stay in your home if he never and pays CS for the youngest?
They aren't reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage but they're worth considering when you're talking about ending an otherwise happy one.

Might be worth telling him it isn't the lack of marriage that's making you want to leave but the constant lies and misdirection so he needs to be honest with you about why he doesn't want to marry, set a date or set you free

MissMarplesHandbag · 25/09/2020 11:41

In that case, don’t marry him. You are far better off as you are. And he doesn’t appear to want to marry you. Protect your asset. Why on earth would you willingly give him access to that. Double-barrel your child’s name.

ivfbeenbusy · 25/09/2020 11:42

@MangoMarmalade

I thought a pre nup would protect the house or are there ways of getting around that?

Pre nups are not formally legally binding in the U.K.

lioncitygirl · 25/09/2020 11:42

@MangoMarmalade no - I don’t think you’re being petty at all. You want to be married - he agreed and now he’s stalling. Why? It’s important to you and he knows that. He’s backtracking. And if that’s your dealbreaker, so be it.

If you threaten to leave him, and he proposes (for fear of being left homeless, or (hopefully) because he realises what an arse he’s been), will you still want to marry him? Because you have to threaten to leave him for him to do it - does it make it less ‘real’? Because forevermore, you’ll be asking yourself, did he marry me because he wanted to - or because I threatened to leave him?

That’s what you need to ask yourself.

chatterbugmegastar · 25/09/2020 11:42

I can't figure out if I'm being walked over or if I'm being petty.

You're being walked over.

But at least you have the property which is way more than other women in your situation

If marriage means so much to you - you're with the wrong man

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:42

@ivfbeenbusy he pays all of the bills.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 25/09/2020 11:43

Doesn't marrying you also make him financially liable to support your older two DC? I think I read that, but you would know more.

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