Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

[MangoMarmalade]

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

And re the tax. Yes he shouldn’t be counted as a subcontractor rather than an employee but that’s an issue for the employer not him and it’s a classification thing. However it’s highly likely that having classified him as a subcontractor they are using the construction industry scheme (CIS) which is perfectly legal and works in the manner you described inwhich the contractor ( his “employer”) would take 20 percent or 30 percent deduction at source. However if he’s earning 50k then he’s a higher rate tax payer (and should be paying 40 percent of income above c31k in Scotland or c37k in rest of UK), in doing a return recently then he would definitely owe tax so he will have that and the fines to pay. I’ve simplified the tax banding above a bit as it clearly would be different rates for the different years that weren’t done.

@MangoMarmalade I see. I also agree with @SlowDown76mph in that you’re better off unmarried. If you married and then divorced, he could take part of your house as he pays the bills. In this co-habiting relationship, he financially supports you without the worries of sharing marital assets (your house and his debts).

The money thing is also worrying. Are you sure he isn’t hiding what he really earns? Please think about finding a job or studying for some qualifications to help you find your ideal career. You don’t want to risk being dependent on this man.

@MangoMarmalade

He's not that manipulative honestly.

He says relationship is over.

I used to think this about my Dad. I was very wrong. Clever manipulators do not appear as manipulating... but somehow always manage to get everyone to do what they want. I'm so sorry.

The best example is this:
his position has changed from 'marriage is just a piece of paper' overnight to 'we might as well break up if we are never going to get married'. Seriously!!
All to keep you in line.

The best example is this:
his position has changed from 'marriage is just a piece of paper' overnight to 'we might as well break up if we are never going to get married'. Seriously!!
All to keep you in line.

I was just about to try to post something along those lines, but you put it so much more succinctly than I could.

Way back in the mists of prehistory when I was in my 20s and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I remember a male friend saying of a master manipulator of this type who'd drawn me into a fling by future faking, strung me along then engineered a row in which I dumped him (after which I was heartbroken): "You've got to admit he's played a blinder - got exactly what he wanted, sex, end of relationship, and it's your fault."

👍^^

Can you change the your child's surname to yours now? Or do you need him to sign off on that? I'm not sure to be honest.

I thought the rules had changed to catch firms like that.

IR35 was meant to stop exactly this, but was unfortunately pushed back a year due to Covid.

I 100% would leave. Marriage is important to me and i made it very clear to my dp. If he then said he didn't want to get married, fine thats his right, but i would leave and find another relationship.

Kids in an unhappy 2 parent household can be toxic.

Much better to see both parents seperated but happy

After he leaves for his brother's, let him 'go' in your head. Then sit quietly for a moment and feel the weight of your unmet needs and expectations leave your shoulders. Really feel that you are no longer 'stagnant' in your own life because you're waiting for him to get on with his and marry you. Feel that his financial troubles are no longer your problem.

Yes, you'll have problems after he leaves since you aren't working. But they will be your own problems to solve in your own way, in your own time.

It's called freedom, and I think you haven't really felt free in a long time.

OP if I were in your shoes i'd look at getting him out of the house permantly and consider selling the property and buying yourself and the kids something smaller and using some of the money left over to invest in more property, either flats or a house and renting the property out and have that as an income.

i dont get why hes scared to open a letter or- do his self assesment when he could get a rebate

are you sure hes not hiding something

Has he gone to his brother's OP? My guess is you'll have a perfectly fine day without him and won't feel like letting him come back, and after a couple of days he'll start to want to come back and you'll be all - but why should I let him? I don't miss him!

@LouiseTrees The earning level for higher tax is not £37K - it's £50K

www.gov.uk/income-tax-rates

@JinglingHellsBells sorry, you are right! I forgot the personal allowance. Mat leave and thinking too quickly. But the rest about CIS scheme being what he is using is true. He probably will be due a rebate or have a zero position then but people can stop worrying about his taxes just the fines.

To be fair to him he's always stated he would never take half the house

Yeah, whatever. He’s not exactly proven to be true to his word has he. My ex partner went back on something pretty big involving money that he’d said to me. Talk is cheap unfortunately.

Can I just say - the absolute fucking cheek of men who insist babies get their surname even though women are the ones who carry them for 9 months, risk our lives and bodies to birth them, breastfeed them and usually remain the primary caregiver until they leave home. Default naming should always be matrilineal. It fucks me right off that so many men think that giving the kids their name is something they're automatically entitled to just because they're male

Hear, Hear @msflibble, couldn’t have put it better myself.

You would be absolutely stark ring bonkers to jeopardise your and your children’s house by marrying someone who is demonstrating this level of non-commitment and unreliability. Count your blessings - and hold onto them.

Sorry for late post everyone. Yes he left.

I can't feel relief because I am just so tired. Attempted to sleep train my 13 month old last night but I just can't cope with her crying, so mentally weak!

I feel trapped. Was always so proud of exclusively bf but now it's a chain around my neck.

Formula 👍😍

Good riddance.

Trauma is exhausting. Rest up. Just take care of yourself. You can get through this.

Mix feed, OP. It's absolutely fine, have you really not used any formula for 13 months? Almost no women get that far on breast milk alone. I didn't.

A man who weaponises marriage, who blames you for his own lack of commitment, who insists on children having his name while refusing to give them the security that is supposed to go with it, is not a man who will benefit your life. Constant disappointment is destructive.

Hi OP, I also did eBF but I moved on to formula with all my DC - oldest at 5 months as I was back to work full time in a job where I travelled overseas. Next 2 at 12 months and 14 months. I moved both of those onto formula - just start mixed feeding for a week or so and then reduce the BF. I found none of mine could sleep train while I was BF but I also let mine cosleep. Perhaps that might work?

Thanks everyone so much!!

@Annasgirl that may be a great help, I didn't think of moving her on to formula because technically she doesn't 'need' breast milk or formula after 12 months but if it worked for you I will try this?

Look after yourself as best you can in the next few days OP. Now is not the time to try tough stuff like sleep training. No big decisions either. Give yourself a break and take it easy.

This too shall pass.

@cantarina thank you the support on here is so bolstering.