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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:

RobertaTheGreat · 25/09/2020 11:25

He lied to you, repeatedly. He tricked you into giving your child his name. He doesn't want to marry you - fair enough - but to lead you on, lie through his teeth. Well how does that make for a loving, honest relationship? At this point I would be telling him that marriage is off the table, and protecting my assets.

MsTSwift · 25/09/2020 11:25

“Just abit of paper” 🙄🙄 what like a passport or a £50 note?

Devlesko · 25/09/2020 11:26

Marriage isn't everything if you are financially stable.
Just make sure you are protected and the house is just in your name.
He obviously doesn't want marriage, where you do.
I proposed to mine, as we are all equal now, it's not up to the man to propose anymore.

Nenevalleysigns · 25/09/2020 11:27

He doesn’t want to marry you.
Read threads like this so many times over the years on Mumsnet.

When a man wants to marry you, he will.

‘Wait til the kids are older’ is an excuse to delay commitment.

A solution is to change the kids surnames so they’re all the same as your’s assuming the fathers don’t have Parental Consent. Otherwise it’s not possible in your circumstances.

Or give him an ultimatum. Say that if he doesn’t propose before Christmas then the relationship is over. Assuming it’s a dealbreaker for you. Being a lone parent is doable enough especially if you already own your own home.

Some men just need a firework under their bum. Of course he’ll then always complain you forced him to marriage.

Shrug emoji.

Notcontent · 25/09/2020 11:27

Some people choose not to marry, and that’s fine if it’s a mutual decision. But very different when one partner does want to.

OP - get some control over your life. Don’t have another child with this man. Can you be independent with four children to take care of?? Get some skills and training, get a job. You are still young.

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:28

@thepeopleversuswork how does my words of “where possible” become you saying in implying “at whatever cost”?

Where possible... clearly I mean that sometimes it isn’t possible.

unmarkedbythat · 25/09/2020 11:28

If you want to marry him, propose. If you want out, tell him it's over. Don't wait for him to make a decision, make your own.

Original poster

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:28

Maybe I'm being childish, and yes, I'd potentially lose half of my (inherited) house if we divorced. I just wanted the 'romance/cherish and honour' part of things. For me, he was the one. He often talks about when we're old and the kids are grown etc so I thought he felt the same! I just can't understand it.

OP posts:

GreyShadow · 25/09/2020 11:29

I understand why you're angry because he lied.

What I'm not understanding is your desperate need to get married. If you had no assets and his children yes I'd understand it.

But if you're in England you're in a much stronger position by not being married.

So why are you so desperate?

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 25/09/2020 11:29

At this point, I'd accept that he doesn't want to marry you.

Can you change the baby's surname on the birthcert to yours?
I'm not in the UK, so don't know if that's possible.

It's funny how these men always kick up a fuss about the baby having their surname.
Oh, but isn't a birthcert just a piece of paper too?

BewilderedDoughnut · 25/09/2020 11:30

For me, he was the one

It seems he doesn't feel the same. He's basically keeping his options open at this point.

Original poster

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:30

Yes I tried asking him, suggested booking with registry office, then suggested a civil partnership - but got the "it's tradition for the man to ask" crap

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/09/2020 11:30

The house is yours. Do not marry this man.

Peacocking · 25/09/2020 11:31

Change your surname by deed poll if necessary so you have the same surname as the kids. Hes a knob.

SallySeven · 25/09/2020 11:31

I think the advice to look to your own well being financial and otherwise is good.

If it suits you to be with him now that's fine.

Maybe investigate double-barreling the name.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 11:31

Cocomarine

"the OP’s reasons for marriage are not related to financial protection for her children. She is (currently at least) better off NOT married, financially."

Agreed, and I acknowledged that in my post. I think she should keep the equity in the house.

But bottom line is he knows marriage entails a financial commitment alongside the other commitments and he's stringing her along because he presumably isn't comfortable with either.

I couldn't remain with someone who pulled the old "I want to be the one to propose" thing anyway as a matter of principle. Leaving aside the financial questions its sexist, naff and duplicitous.

Original poster

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:32

@GreyShadow I'm desperate because it's something I've always wanted. I can't explain it logically. I feel 'less than' remaining un-asked by the man who supposedly loves me.

OP posts:

SallySeven · 25/09/2020 11:32

I would no way change my name !

Worst of all worlds imo.

lioncitygirl · 25/09/2020 11:32

I think if you are willing to leave a person you love so much over getting married, then I would question why you’re even with him, you can’t love him that much?or does being married mean that much to you?

You’re not on the same page. He doesn’t really want to get married - you do. If you decide that is a deal beaker then leave, like you said, you have the asset.

SallySeven · 25/09/2020 11:33

You are absolutely fine as you are.

LadyMinerva · 25/09/2020 11:34

The problem now is that if he does propose and you marry, will you feel that has happened only because you nagged him? Will you feel as fulfilled in the family unit?

I've been waiting 13 years for a proposal.

I decided long ago that I wanted to be with DP and unmarried rather than married and with someone else. It's been very tough reconciling with that but I have. There are still times I feel resentful that he has taken that away from me but then I quickly remember that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Figure out what will make you happy and follow that path.

Cocomarine · 25/09/2020 11:34

@MangoMarmalade

Fucking hell, it’s not even just some equity in a mortgaged house, but a whole inherited mortgage free house?!!!!!

DO NOT MARRY HIM

He might now propose, if you follow through on ending this. Then you still won’t have your love and cherish dream - because he’ll still be the man you had to threaten to leave to make it happen.. If he makes you feel loved and cherished, then he will do that outwith a marriage.

Original poster

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 11:34

@lioncitygirl yes being married means a hell of a lot do me, as do the promises he made.

I'm a bit fucked with my boundaries, father of my oldest two kids was seriously abusive and I stayed with him for a long time.

I can't figure out if I'm being walked over or if I'm being petty.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2020 11:34

Yes you have the house but if you’re not married and not earning I’m confused by people saying you’re financially stable. Are you? Do you get maintenance for your older two?

myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 11:35

God, why would you risk your security (and that of the kids) for that?

Honestly, the mind boggles.

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