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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH look after DC during time off?

128 replies

PonfusedCarent · 23/09/2020 12:48

I have a feeling I am being unreasonable but here goes...

DH works in education and has all school holidays off, his school recently made the decision for 2 weeks off in October for half term.

We have a DC in childcare and usually they'd be at home together. He's now said we have to pay for the second week off so he can have a break on his own. Not to do anything in particular, he'll just be at home lounging about on the sofa all day.

We're saving for a house and I see this as money that will be wasted in these circumstances.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 23/09/2020 12:51

Well, if you have a term time only contract it depends whether they will allow you to have 2 weeks at half term and then use childcare for the extra week in the summer, or whether you need to stick to “normal” school holidays.

I have a term time only contract and my nursery wouldn’t allow me to randomly take them out for 2 week in October but put them in for the summer because of their staffing levels. So i would talk to the nursery first.

OverTheRubicon · 23/09/2020 12:51

Do you get a week off lounging about on your own? Or does he work more hours than you during the week? Was he working hard throughout lockdown like many teachers, or really refining the garden like some others?

I'd be pretty sympathetic to a day or two, but not to a week when cash is at a premium.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/09/2020 12:52

Will you get the same?

It’s a decision that should be made jointly not just him telling you what will happen. Is he especially tired, stressed after teaching through covid?

Could you compromise with him having 2 days in his own but the other 3 with DC?

madcatladyforever · 23/09/2020 12:53

That's ridiculous, I've worked since my son was 6 weeks old and I couldn't possibly even contemplate not looking after my own child while I am at home on holiday, it would be horrible. I'd have missed him so much.
Does he actually care about his children at all? Did he want children?
Its a shocking waste of money and how are they supposed to bond if they don't go off and do some fun things together.

ScarMatty · 23/09/2020 12:53

YANBU

TinySleepThief · 23/09/2020 12:53

I think it would depend on whether you always have your son when you have time off? I don't think its unreasonable for him to to want some days child free, I presume all his holidays normally fall when DS is at home?

WhiteCat1704 · 23/09/2020 12:54

Depends if you get time off too..

In general if he needs a break he should have one..

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/09/2020 12:55

Do you get the same?
How olds the DC?

A week regardless of the above I think is asking a lot!

timeisnotaline · 23/09/2020 12:56

I would wonder when my solo week off would happen and ask him his plans for that. And ask if the situation were reversed and you had the term time job If he would be expecting you to have a week off solo, because it’s never happened that way to any of my female teacher friends.

If he’s near a breakdown I’d try and work something out but point out very clearly that these things are a two way street.

IceniSky · 23/09/2020 12:57

We all need time out. If he has the opportunity for this, I'd be suggesting 3 days in childcare, 2 days at home.

If you don't have this opportunity, it is very unfortunate but I don't feel someone should miss out just because someone else can't. It sounds like a potential one off.

I'd be expecting dinner is sorted etc.

Notemyname · 23/09/2020 12:57

To be fair DH and I do sometimes take annual leave while the kids are at school/nursery. After working from home with two lively young children at home with us for 6 months I am already planning days off during the week when our son will still go to nursery. I need to recharge too.

MagpieSong · 23/09/2020 13:04

I'd err on the lines of a week being un-needed. A day to himself, absolutely. I think my exceptions to this would be if your DC have high needs and breaks are needed, or if DH is struggling emotionally with the high stress levels at schools (understandable in situation) and needs some time to recoup from it all.

TokenGinger · 23/09/2020 13:05

This is obviously a rarity. It seems like this is a special circumstance that's been announced by his school to take two weeks instead of one. It sounds like ordinarily, he'd care for DC throughout all of the holidays.

It also sounds like you do not work in education, so you do not have to take your annual leave in school holidays and have the choice to have a day off without caring responsibilities. I expect you probably take your annual leave to work around your DC, but the fact is you have the choice.

As a teacher, your husband doesn't get the choice to take a random day off for a day to himself.

Given it sounds like special circumstances, with this in mind, I think YABU and would allow him one week of respite, and if it's that much of a big deal to you, save one week of your annual leave to do the same at another point, and he can pick up the slack on the week in school holidays where you'd usually have DC.

I think nobody at the moment is having an easy time. If your husband would benefit from a week of recuperation, I don't get why you'd begrudge him that.

For what it's worth, both DP and I have been booking separate odd days when DC is in nursery so we can have a day to ourselves or with friends or whatever. It's been great for us.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 23/09/2020 13:08

I can see both sides. If your trying to save it does seem like a waste of money, but probably needs a break too.

How much does he usually do in the house? Does he “deserve” a break?

AnxMummy10 · 23/09/2020 13:08

I dont think he is unreasonable actually.
If it's purely down to financial then he should have them but if not then it really sounds like a good break. I think alot of people would love to have some obligation free time alone. If it were my dh he would probably take 3 days to himself and want 2 days with dc to do something with them. I wouldn't begrudge him some free time even if I dont get that.

BlindAssassin1 · 23/09/2020 13:10

Will the nursery let you just not pay for that week though? Most places don't allow for that.

I can see why he'd like a proper rest, who wouldn't? But if that's how it pans out for him, let him have it. As long as you don't come home from work and still have to do all the at-home work (cleaning, meals, house admin) too during that time. And perhaps let it be known that you expect to have the same in the future.

vanillandhoney · 23/09/2020 13:10

As long as you get a week to yourself at some point, I actually don't think he's being unreasonable at all. He can still pick them up/drop them off and he'll have two full weekends to spend with them, as well as the other week of the holidays.

seayork2020 · 23/09/2020 13:12

If i had a chance of a week off i would take it so I have no issues if dh decides too if he can

LannieDuck · 23/09/2020 13:12

If your child provider allows it, I would book the kids in for part of the week - he gets a couple of lovely days break, but also covers the childcare for most of it himself.

TinySleepThief · 23/09/2020 13:12

How much does he usually do in the house? Does he “deserve” a break?

Surely it's not about working out what he does in the house or if he deserves a break?? He clearly pulls his weight and by default of him being off during every school holiday he presumably looks after DS when ever they are on school holidays. So he never has time off without having a child at home.

DragonPie · 23/09/2020 13:15

Would they have been there anyway or are you having to pay extra for that week? I used to send my kids to nursery when I had a day off as I’d paid for it, I did housework mainly. There’s nothing wrong with wanting some time to yourself. I would hope in that week he would be doing all the chores though.

Kelvingrove · 23/09/2020 13:16

I think you are being unreasonable.

BigFatLiar · 23/09/2020 13:16

Will you still have to pay for the childcare if you have them at home during that period?

thedancingbear · 23/09/2020 13:16

So woman looking after a child = full time job

Man looking after a child = holiday activity

Thanks for clarifying everyone.

Cocomarine · 23/09/2020 13:17

Some schools are especially hard places to be right now. My secondary teacher friend us exhausted already - she’s moving between classes so students don’t, and doing more break cover than she had to previously. All Covid measures.

Bigger picture is what is important here. If he gets plenty of time with the child (and sounds like he does) and he doesn’t usually shirk that or piss money away, and isn’t lazy, and wouldn’t begrudge you doing this - then listen to him.

Yes, you’re saving for a house, but if it was that important you’d have doubled up on contraception and not have had any childcare costs getting in the way of a purchase!

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