Should DH look after DC during time off?

[PonfusedCarent]

I have a feeling I am being unreasonable but here goes...

DH works in education and has all school holidays off, his school recently made the decision for 2 weeks off in October for half term.

We have a DC in childcare and usually they'd be at home together. He's now said we have to pay for the second week off so he can have a break on his own. Not to do anything in particular, he'll just be at home lounging about on the sofa all day.

We're saving for a house and I see this as money that will be wasted in these circumstances.

[PonfusedCarent]

I have not backtracked. I do take the time off during holidays but it obviously isn't consistent as it's when I can get time off from work. I'd be the first to say it's my DH who is off during school holidays, so he's doing the majority then.

I acknowledge that it is a reasonable request to want time to yourself it's just that it's over £300, so it's not small change.

[SandyY2K]

YABU and you sound a bit bossy ....giving him jobs to do.

[PonfusedCarent]

@Tarantulala
So he does 5 weeks in the summer and at least a few days every holiday as well.
Yes, your point being?

It's not transactional and have no intention of being like that with him. I don't begrudge him having time off, I have pointed out to my DH lots of times that I have an afternoon occasionally and some time to yourself is reasonable. I often tell him to go out more often and take the time for himself, as well as been the driving force to go on holiday with friends.

So if it's reading another way, it shouldn't.

[PonfusedCarent]

@SandyY2K

Because he doesn't do housework unless I ask, which he has requested I do every time I bring it up.

[Mistystar99]

Does the poor bugger do every single school run?
You've got a keeper there. Let him have some time off!!

[lyralalala]

[quote PonfusedCarent]@Tarantulala
So he does 5 weeks in the summer and at least a few days every holiday as well.
Yes, your point being?

It's not transactional and have no intention of being like that with him. I don't begrudge him having time off, I have pointed out to my DH lots of times that I have an afternoon occasionally and some time to yourself is reasonable. I often tell him to go out more often and take the time for himself, as well as been the driving force to go on holiday with friends.

So if it's reading another way, it shouldn't.[/quote]
If you normally have to tell him to take time for himself then the fact he's wanting to take a whole week suggests he needs a breaks.

A lot of schools have been crazy stressful places recently.

[PonfusedCarent]

If you normally have to tell him to take time for himself then the fact he's wanting to take a whole week suggests he needs a breaks.

You're right there actually. I did say in my OP, I felt I was probably being U and this probably highlights it.

Yes, he does the school run. DC goes next door to the school, I'm at least 1 hour in the opposite direction, I'm home now but it would be a bit pointless when they're both going at the same time, wouldn't it? I do pickups and dinner as they finish at different times and I finish earlier, during his time off I'll do the drop off as I don't start work until 9am.

[Monday55]

The only discussion should be whether you can afford the childcare cost or not. It is unfortunate if you haven't had as many opportunities to have time off but you can't deny him his opportunity either. I wouldn't dictate if my DH wanted time out or not if I knew we could afford it.

[ComicePear]

It depends what you mean by afford it though, doesn't it? OP says they are saving for a house, so I'd take that to mean they won't be going hungry or anything like that, but they will have to wait longer before owning a property. It's not really as simple as 'can afford' or 'can't afford'.

[monkeymonkey2010]

In the last couple of years all my annual leave has been on childcare, appointments relating to DC or taking time off for family

I think it's actually a good thing to have a break from childcare every now and then, have some time just to yourself to potter about and just relax before getting back to parent duty when the kids come back from their clubs.

However....it's only fair that it applies to both parents.
That includes kid/family admin - sharing that.

[SandyY2K]

If I understand correctly, this second week off wasn't in the plans, so you as a family would have paid the childcare costs for that week and would have/should have budgeted for it.

Sometimes having a week off just to chill is what the body needs. I'd understand if your DH never did any childcare at all, but he's not a slacker from what I can make out.

I'm not a term time worker, but I do know some partners/spouses are a tad jealous of teachers getting Easter, Summer and half terms off.

[Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry]

I don’t think he is unreasonable to want it, teaching is exhausting at the best of times but more so now. But I also see you don’t have time off often without children.
Surely the obvious thing is to acknowledge his need and compromise on half the week?

[Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry]

I would also work out when in the year you can have a break.

[OverTheRainbow88]

Half the week doesn’t mean OP gets the other half off.

Let the man have a break- I don’t see why you wouldn’t want someone you love to have a nice relaxing week.

[Rocinante39]

What do the children want? If they would rather be with their father than a sitter then their father needs to start loving his children and nor just pretending to.

What is all this nonsense about needing a break. A break from what? Holidays are a break from work, when people with dependant children spend time with them and hopefully enjoy doing so.

[OverTheRainbow88]

@Rocinante39

Oh please, do one. Who are you to say the dad doesn’t really love his children? Clearly a troll or an idiot

Children don’t get to make all the decisions- mine would choose to watch tv all day and eat haribo. So I make a decision for them.

[Rocinante39]

You dont love your children if you try and avoid spending time with them.

Unless parents are facing a nervous breakdown, I really dont think they are entitled to have holidays apart from their children if the children want to be with them. That doesn't mean the children eat sweets all day. It means they spend fun time with the parent who loves them.

I think that applies to both men and women.

[OverTheRainbow88]

@Rocinante39

Isn’t prevention better than cure? So not waiting until a nervous breakdown but making life more manageable to avoid one.

I LOVR my boys, but you know what, the days I drop them off at nursery and don’t have to work are amazing. I literally skip away.
They are happy there, play with friends, eat amazing food (which when I try and make at home they won’t touch). I have a great day catching up
With adult friends etc. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, I do, they know that. But I am a person In my own right. I want to go clothes shopping and not have to watch my kids aren’t causing havoc etc and you know what... I want time away from them. I don’t even get that at night as we cosleep!

[fassbendersmistress]

@madcatladyforever

That's ridiculous, I've worked since my son was 6 weeks old and I couldn't possibly even contemplate not looking after my own child while I am at home on holiday, it would be horrible. I'd have missed him so much.
Does he actually care about his children at all? Did he want children?
Its a shocking waste of money and how are they supposed to bond if they don't go off and do some fun things together.

What a ridiculously dramatic post, questioning if he loves his children for wanting a bit of time off.

They will be doing things together and bonding the first week. The second week is a bonus week for him, so not like the DC is missing out.

Maybe he needs a mental break to be a better parent. The last 6 months have been hard for all sorts of reasons. I don’t blame him and I’d happily agree to my husband doing this (although I’m not in the same financial situation as OP).

[Hardbackwriter]

You dont love your children if you try and avoid spending time with them.

Where does that end, though? I went to see a friend on Saturday, leaving DS at home with DH - does that mean I don't love DS, because I chose to spend some of my non-working time with him? What if I'd stayed in but gone to the shop for 30 minutes, would I then love him but not as much as if I'd spent every waking minute of the day with him?

We're talking about one week of nursery hours, not the dad going off on a year-long round the world trip. I don't think anyone spends every single minute they could with their children, and if they do I'm not sure that's healthy.

[corythatwas]

Because he doesn't do housework unless I ask, which he has requested I do every time I bring it up.

Oh yeah, let the poor man have a break, look at how he's overworking picking up his kids from school and actually doing housework if the OP keeps tabs on him and tells him when it's time.

The old MN trick of checking if both parts get equal down time works well here. And let me tell you, if the dh can sit around the house not thinking about what needs doing while the OP has the job of both doing her own share and keeping tabs on his, then we have not achieved equal down time.

[wellerhugs5]

I'd expect hubby to want to spend at least some of his week off with the kids, so YANBU in my opinion.

[TokenGinger]

@Rocinante39

You dont love your children if you try and avoid spending time with them.

Unless parents are facing a nervous breakdown, I really dont think they are entitled to have holidays apart from their children if the children want to be with them. That doesn't mean the children eat sweets all day. It means they spend fun time with the parent who loves them.

I think that applies to both men and women.

How absolutely ridiculous and this stupid mindset feeds into the guilt that many parents feel.

Aside from work, I barely EVER have time away from my DS. I absolutely love and adore him beyond comprehension but sometimes, it's good for me to have some time away from him. This Sunday, I'm booked in for a massage and facial and he's spending some 1-1 time with his daddy. Does that make me a bad mother because I'm having two hours to myself?

Surely your stance should depend on what the child gets in place of spending time with the parent in question? My son loves nursery, he goes running in, he spends all day playing, he sees his friends, has great food. He spends 1.5 days a week with my mum. His excitement when he sees her come through the door is absolutely adorable. He enjoys spending time with his nana. Last night she picked him up from nursery and took him for some food. She gets a lot of joy from this. He gets a lot of joy from this. Does that still make me a bad mother, allowing somebody else to take joy in spending time with my son whilst I have an hour or two alone?

I am also guilty of booking two half days of annual leave around my birthday on days he was in nursery. One day, I went for the same massage and facial I'm having this weekend and the following day I went for lunch with a friend, without a 14 month old throwing food around, crying, needing a nap, having a poo, and it was bloody lovely to enjoy my meal and have a catch up with my friend.

That does not make me a bad mother.

[vanillandhoney]

@Rocinante39

You dont love your children if you try and avoid spending time with them.

Unless parents are facing a nervous breakdown, I really dont think they are entitled to have holidays apart from their children if the children want to be with them. That doesn't mean the children eat sweets all day. It means they spend fun time with the parent who loves them.

I think that applies to both men and women.

This mindset is what promotes SO much guilt in parents (primarily women) when they dare to go back to work, or go out with a friend, or, shock, want a weekend away with their grown up friends.

Parenthood is not about being a martyr.

[upsidedownwavylegs]

@Rocinante39

You dont love your children if you try and avoid spending time with them.

Unless parents are facing a nervous breakdown, I really dont think they are entitled to have holidays apart from their children if the children want to be with them. That doesn't mean the children eat sweets all day. It means they spend fun time with the parent who loves them.

I think that applies to both men and women.

You having no mates or life doesn’t affect how much I love my kid