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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS pregnant girlfriend

346 replies

19claire88 · 22/09/2020 06:49

Not sure is a AIBU but here we go.

My DSS girlfriend could possibly be pregnant she’s 14 he’s 16. The mother of the girlfriend is a friend to me has been for the last 9 months so it’s a new friendship not bothered about losing it tbh.

It complicates further when she calls yesterday morning to say daughter possibly pregnant we’re keeping it a secret no one is to know. Which is fine her body her choice mother is pushing for an abortion.

My only concern is that by keeping this such a secret and not telling DSS mother or father about this is we possibly risk doing this all over again cause clearly those kids are able to take safe precautions. Mother hasn’t provided contraception and DSS has contraception. We asked him if they were having sex flat out denied it. Sex talk given anyway.

Mother is saying it remains a secret due to how her husband will react.

I’m disgusted with both of them don’t want to engage in the cover up of their mistake, having this information has eaten away at me.

I feel 1 parent of DSS needs to know so they can appropriately deal with DSS cause daughters mother is still having him stay overnight, days out are being planned life goes on normally. Mother is totally burying her head in the sand about the seriousness of this and I’m expected to lie to girlfriends father, DSS mother and father.

We don’t agree with the overnight stays but the whole family are very overwhelming and DSS just does what they say. He’s like a puppet on a string.

Would I be unreasonable to tell at least one parent of DSS, so they can deal with this. DSS was the result of a teen pregnancy so I know his mother will handle this correctly in my eyes as opposed to girlfriends mother who is just ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 22/09/2020 06:53

Eh

Cheesess · 22/09/2020 06:57

Yes tell his mum.

Cheesess · 22/09/2020 06:59

If she eventually finds out and finds out you knew and kept it from her she’ll be questioning your judgement.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/09/2020 06:59

Why don’t you talk to DSS? Encourage him to talk to his mum.

DivGirl · 22/09/2020 07:04

You need to tell at least one of his parents before the police come knocking with questions about statutory rape allegations.

mummmy2017 · 22/09/2020 07:08

Sorry but why are you putting a resent friendship over family.
Tell your partner and ask him what he wants to do.

sarahc336 · 22/09/2020 07:08

She is 14 and under age you can't keep that a secret, for your own relationship you need to tell one of his parents. I don't think her mum should have put you in that position and I don't think it's your secret to keep. I also think you already know this and will do the right thing, bit of a mess isn't it op, good luck Thanks

ghostyslovesheets · 22/09/2020 07:09

I’m so confused as to who you are in thus but assuming it’s your step son why the hell haven’t you a. Encouraged him to tell his dad/mum or supported him to b. Told them if he refuses to c. Why blame her parents for everything- his are letting him sleep with a 14 year old d. Checked she is actually pregnant

UniversallyUnchallenged · 22/09/2020 07:13

I think you know you should do something and you’re checking before you press the nuclear button as IRL saying this aloud starts it. A minefield, my advice is go with your gut feeling about who to tell and how to do it. Think it’s probably the least worse solution you need to find. Without knowing anything I would say start with DSS, tell him together you’ll tell mum and dad. He is likely to need help. Then help or step back dealing with everything else. Step parenting is like that.

THATbasicrebelBITCH · 22/09/2020 07:15

I would tell his dad, leave him to tell his mum if he sees fit.

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 07:22

I can’t get to him without the girlfriends mother showing up I tried, I’ve tried messaging him too and he’s showed her the messages. It’s like he’s been brainwashed, we and his mother have barely seen him the last few weeks due to the girlfriends family being over whelming

OP posts:
Rewis · 22/09/2020 07:23

If he is your step son, then aren't you married and living with his father? Talk to him step son about telling his dad and then encourage to tell together. Why does her mother gets to decide if it is kept as a secret?

ghostyslovesheets · 22/09/2020 07:24

This is confusing- does he live with his 14 year old gf’s family?

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 07:25

We as a family aren’t happy with the amount of time DSS spends with theirs it’s tried to been addressed and we’ve asked for him to stay at home with family but the mother of the girlfriend calls saying her daughter needs him I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m the most vocal in all of this because it’s so unhealthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 07:26

We weren’t aware they were having sex we asked him if they was got told no way waiting till she’s older girlfriends mother knew they were having sex and didn’t share this info with either of DSS parents there totally clueless and still think there waiting.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 22/09/2020 07:26

All sounds very unhealthy and his parents need to know to address this directly themselves with their son.

Rewis · 22/09/2020 07:28

He is 16. How is it possible that you cannot get to him? Shouldn't he be coming to either mum or dads house to...you know..live and sleep without girlfriends mother? Or does he live there for some reason? Very weird to strongly encourage a 14yo be in a relationship like this.

If he is "brainwashed" then just tell the dad. There is nothing to lose since gf, ss and gf's mother all seem to be very clueless. Do we actually know if she is pregnant?

Feelingconfused2020 · 22/09/2020 07:28

Are you married to his dad? Tell your husband. Definitely DO NOT keep this a secret

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 07:29

His dad works away and isn’t back till Friday, I’m not sure this is a conversation to be had over the phone so it will have to wait until he’s back.

No he doesn’t live with them but stays over every Weekend, wakes up and goes to theirs until late at night during the week.

His mother has tried to address this he goes as far as ignoring her calls atm when it’s time to come home.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 22/09/2020 07:30

Tell his dad, why are you even asking this? You cannot keep a secret like that.

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 07:31

I messaged him to come to mine to have a talk he girlfriends mother showed up as well cause he told her, I asked her to leave my home so we could talk and she took him with her when he left said girlfriend needed him.

I suggested the overnight visits stop as there clearly not able to control themselves and got told daughters social life shouldn’t stop because of this mistake.

OP posts:
expat101 · 22/09/2020 07:31

Is it possible that it isn't his, or that this is some attempt by the GF to ''keep'' him if they are going through a troubled patch. ? I remember one of my school year colleagues doing this.... grrr.

anotherhumanfemale · 22/09/2020 07:33

What a nightmare.
OP you need to tell your partner (his father?). It'll be shit but FAR worse if you've hidden this from your DP.

If they're in the U.K. (assume they are) DSS can, I believe, be done for statutory rape.

It sounds like the GF has MH problems and the parents (mother) are using DSS to offset them. He's in far too deep.

If you have any evidence that the GF mother knew they were having sex and fine with it, and that you know, didn't please keep it. It hopefully won't be needed but could be possibly useful later.

anotherhumanfemale · 22/09/2020 07:34

OP do a zoom call and tell DP then. He needs to know now. Don't wait longer.

Gazelda · 22/09/2020 07:39

If it's a secret that can't be shared with the potential father, let alone his parents, then why on earth is the mother telling you? She's not telling you as a parent to the lad, she's telling you as a friend. Doesn't add up.

I think that your DSS is at risk here. He doesn't have the information he needs to fully and properly support his pregnant girlfriend, He's being distanced from his family. He's not being supported with his education.

The girl is being dominated by her mother. She must feel overwhelmed.

You can't let this continue. You have to tell your DH. Over the phone isn't ideal, but it has to be done.