DSS pregnant girlfriend

[19claire88]

Not sure is a AIBU but here we go.

My DSS girlfriend could possibly be pregnant she’s 14 he’s 16. The mother of the girlfriend is a friend to me has been for the last 9 months so it’s a new friendship not bothered about losing it tbh.

It complicates further when she calls yesterday morning to say daughter possibly pregnant we’re keeping it a secret no one is to know. Which is fine her body her choice mother is pushing for an abortion.

My only concern is that by keeping this such a secret and not telling DSS mother or father about this is we possibly risk doing this all over again cause clearly those kids are able to take safe precautions. Mother hasn’t provided contraception and DSS has contraception. We asked him if they were having sex flat out denied it. Sex talk given anyway.

Mother is saying it remains a secret due to how her husband will react.

I’m disgusted with both of them don’t want to engage in the cover up of their mistake, having this information has eaten away at me.

I feel 1 parent of DSS needs to know so they can appropriately deal with DSS cause daughters mother is still having him stay overnight, days out are being planned life goes on normally. Mother is totally burying her head in the sand about the seriousness of this and I’m expected to lie to girlfriends father, DSS mother and father.

We don’t agree with the overnight stays but the whole family are very overwhelming and DSS just does what they say. He’s like a puppet on a string.

Would I be unreasonable to tell at least one parent of DSS, so they can deal with this. DSS was the result of a teen pregnancy so I know his mother will handle this correctly in my eyes as opposed to girlfriends mother who is just ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

Send a text to DSS stating you will be telling both his parents on Friday night when his dad returns. In the meantime suggest that he goes back to his mums and stays there (offer to go and get him from the girlfriends if he wants). If he refuses tell his mum straightaway and both of you go round and get him.
Keep any messages from the girlfriends mother that proves she knew they were sleeping together under her roof.
It sounds like your dss is being a bit manipulated and that the girlfriends mother is for some reason enjoying the drama. Your dss probably wants someone to help and take control. What he is saying in front of the girlfriends mother is probably not how he is really feeling, he is probably petrified of the situation he has got himself into.

Tell his parents.

You aren't priest. You're not bound by the confessional. What has the GF's mother chosen to tell you? It's not your burden - don't carry it. Pass it on to the people who should - his parents

I'd be beyond furious if this landed on me and I found out that someone else had known and had kept it secret. The girl's mother is totally irresponsible1 Not letting a 14 o have sex isn't "spoiling their social life"

Ending up as a very young teenage mother does your social life no bloomin' favours, though.

Totally tell DP. I’m not of the mindset that you need to tell DP everything and that you can’t keep confidences for friends. However, this directly affects him so you cannot keep it from him and if your ‘friend’ has half a brain she will know this.

His dad works away and isn’t back till Friday, I’m not sure this is a conversation to be had over the phone so it will have to wait until he’s back.

Totally disagree, he needs to be told.

If they're in the U.K. (assume they are) DSS can, I believe, be done for statutory rape.

No such thing in the UK

You’ve all confirmed my gut feeling which was to tell one parent and let the fall out happen it’s not a healthy relationship at all in the amount of time their together how it’s encouraged we as DSS guardians aren’t happy with it but can’t seem to make him see that it isn’t a normal relationship.

I understand the mothers scared of her husband finding out but the daughter will be going through an abortion under his nose he’s bound to wonder what’s going on. And if there’s any complications this will come out.

Full info needs given to his df... Now.
The woman sounds batshit.
Dss needs to get the hell away from both of them!

My friend is no longer a friend after this because I’m being expected to cover up those stupid kids mistake. I blame them both equally for it, but as parents I feel that they need to be made to realise what they’ve done is monumental and it cannot be ignored so lightly

I said he’s basically as pedophile and the mother said I was over reacting 😡😡

You need to tell DP specifically.

I said he’s basically as pedophile and the mother said I was over reacting

No he isn’t. That is really silly

I agree that your DSs is at potential risk here. Is the father perhaps aggressive? Why are they soo scared of his reaction? Why are they keeping your son there? Protection? Is the father better behaved when he's there? All these things would be going round my head.
Somebody needs to be going round and taking him by the arm and taking him home and keeping him there. Sounds a very fucked up family dynamic that he shouldn't be a part of.

It's odd this woman has such a hold over you, and at sixteen he needs to be at home when told or with friends, not out having sex with his younger girlfriend. I'm not sure how long you've been in his life but his mum and dad at least need to set some firm boundaries. They are not blameless here.
As for police, there's no such charge as statutory rape, it would be sex with an U16 female, she's over 13 (different category) it is in the context of a peer relationship, the victim nor her parents are making a complaint so it's highly unlikely the police would get involved, unless he has a string of 13/14 year olds exes and this is a pattern of behaviour. As a pregnant 14 year old she should expect SS involvement though.

I think SS involvement would be a great idea as her mum clearly needs a kick up the parenting arse. You cannot keep this quiet.

The girlfriends father can be aggressive and angry so I get the mother need for wanting this to be kept quiet but it’s not something that should a parent of DSS needs to know to deal with it. He’s just constantly there her kids need him is the answer is get DSS has 6 other step kids, who are wondering where he is. His mum And dads calls go unanswered my messages to him get disclosed to anyone that’s there.

It’s a toxic family hence my reasoning for not wanting to keep a friendship going. We are expected to have every weekend together doing activities if we say no there’s arguments I’ve never known anything like it.

Any sensible parent would want their son away from a family where they think it is Ok for a 16 year old boy to have regular sex with their 14 year old daughter . Is your DSS even at school ? You need to tell his father as soon as possible. The word that would concern me is possibly pregnant .

My worry is that be keeping this from a parent we risk this happening again because the consequence has been minimal and the DSS still gets to do as he likes when in their company.

I’ve asked he stays at our home at the weekend overnight girlfriends mother said no that’s no for me to decide and she’ll decide. He’s so under the thumb about this I don’t know how to get through

When someone tells you a secret, they can't morally oblige you to secrecy before you know the content. Your willingness to keep that information secret depends on what it is, what the implications are etc. If you have good reason to believe it shouldn't be kept secret, then I think the truth should win out. Handled as sensitively as you can, obviously.

the mum told you because she wants you to tell his parents not because you're friends.
So tell his parents. You won't come out if this well otherwise

Has she actually done a test? I'm confused at how they can suspect she's pregnant when it's so easy to tell.

Are you sure his dm isn't just making this up for drama?

This is very confusing, sorry OP. Does the DSS know about the potential pregnancy?

If he doesn’t, and they are manipulating to keep him round there as you say, I would be concerned that it’s not even his and he’s being used as a cover for something else.

This all sounds very odd and disturbing. A 14 year old girl is pregnant and her mother is behaving very strangely indeed. Both the DSS and his parents need to know. At the end of the day your DSS is still a child in law and his parents have legal responsibility for him, and getting a 14 year old child pregnant is very serious.

You’ve all confirmed my gut feeling and that’s to tell my partner what’s gone on.

I’ve not seen a test but she’s 2 weeks late and a test was taken on Sunday and disposed off so I can’t get to this, she tried to do another test yesterday and did it wrong, so going by the original test she’s pregnant. There’s another test to take but she wouldn’t do it. So as far as I’m aware yes she pregnant unless the new test confirms otherwise