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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS pregnant girlfriend

346 replies

19claire88 · 22/09/2020 06:49

Not sure is a AIBU but here we go.

My DSS girlfriend could possibly be pregnant she’s 14 he’s 16. The mother of the girlfriend is a friend to me has been for the last 9 months so it’s a new friendship not bothered about losing it tbh.

It complicates further when she calls yesterday morning to say daughter possibly pregnant we’re keeping it a secret no one is to know. Which is fine her body her choice mother is pushing for an abortion.

My only concern is that by keeping this such a secret and not telling DSS mother or father about this is we possibly risk doing this all over again cause clearly those kids are able to take safe precautions. Mother hasn’t provided contraception and DSS has contraception. We asked him if they were having sex flat out denied it. Sex talk given anyway.

Mother is saying it remains a secret due to how her husband will react.

I’m disgusted with both of them don’t want to engage in the cover up of their mistake, having this information has eaten away at me.

I feel 1 parent of DSS needs to know so they can appropriately deal with DSS cause daughters mother is still having him stay overnight, days out are being planned life goes on normally. Mother is totally burying her head in the sand about the seriousness of this and I’m expected to lie to girlfriends father, DSS mother and father.

We don’t agree with the overnight stays but the whole family are very overwhelming and DSS just does what they say. He’s like a puppet on a string.

Would I be unreasonable to tell at least one parent of DSS, so they can deal with this. DSS was the result of a teen pregnancy so I know his mother will handle this correctly in my eyes as opposed to girlfriends mother who is just ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 22/09/2020 08:32

All this ‘might be’ pregnant is a bit weird. Is it possible the gf is making it up to keep dss in the relationship?

If she says she’s pregnant then there is even less chance of them using contraception & if she’s not really pregnant then she soon will be.

Teateaandmoretea · 22/09/2020 08:33

Okay having read the update tell both then run for your life.

Whatisthisfuckery · 22/09/2020 08:33

Also if the girl’s father is aggressive then this situation needs to be taken out of all your hands’ and professionals need to be involved. It sounds like both the girl and the mother, and potentially your DSS are in danger, and the mother knows it and is trying to keep your DSS there for that reason.

Whichever way you flip this you have a very troubled family. Your DSS’s parents both need to know, he needs to be kept away if possible, and the 14 year old child and probably the mother need to be kept safe.

This is all very concerning OP. It is something you should not be carrying alone.

bythehairsonmychinichinchin · 22/09/2020 08:33

Tell both parents now never mind Friday. I also think it’s unlikely she’s pregnant as she messed up the test you gave her and won’t do another.. also I don’t understand how if the GF mother turns up at your house why you can’t just shut the door on her? What a weird situation

RubixMania · 22/09/2020 08:34

‘Possibly’ be pregnant? 🤔 She either is or isn’t, there’s no rocket science to it.

Girlfriends mother clearly loves a bit of drama as there’s no reasonable explanation why you’d tell anyone your 14 year old ‘might’ be pregnant - you’d make 100% certain.

The good news is that the people that instantly go around wailing about how they ‘might’ have an unwanted pregnancy (in this case the girls mother on her behalf) are very often not. I’d bet on it that she’s not.

But for gods sake, tell his dad. And everyone with parental responsibility pull him out of this awful situation NOW.

I have a weird feeling that if the girl isn’t pregnant this time, she will be soon and her mother wouldn’t be as displeased as she may say.

Shelby2010 · 22/09/2020 08:35

Unless of course dss is also in some kind of sexual relationship with the mother? They sound a bit Jeremy Kyle.

sillysmiles · 22/09/2020 08:35

How is your relationship with DSS's mother?
Ring your husband and then go talk to his mother. The swearing you to secrecy is an attempt to control you as well. It's mad though that she came with him to talk to you.

bythehairsonmychinichinchin · 22/09/2020 08:35

In fact threaten the GF mother with social services, and get her to prove or disprove her DD is pregnant, I’d also threaten her with SS and tell her to tell your DSS parents that they’re having sex!

Nomorepies · 22/09/2020 08:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

LilyLongJohn · 22/09/2020 08:38

Yes if course you need to tell your dss df ASAP. Deal with the fall out, it'll be a whole lot worse if you keep it from him. It's then up to him as to wether he tells his dc's dm.

As other pp have said, I'm not even sure she is pregnant as you've no proof and they are making a meal out of what should be a simple thing.

user1473878824 · 22/09/2020 08:39

@19claire88

I said he’s basically as pedophile and the mother said I was over reacting 😡😡
...really?
Whatisthisfuckery · 22/09/2020 08:40

I wouldn’t threaten the mother with SS. Then you’re getting into her weird drama and things will get worse. Your DSS has already been dragged into an incredibly fucked up damaging situation. I’d just call SS anyway, and if she asked I would confirm it. This situation doesn’t call for more secrecy, it calls for clarity and something being done.

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 08:41

It would seem his parents are trying to I certainly aim but we can’t seem to get through to him calls go unanswered.

I don’t think a lockdown will stop them and in that case I’ll be phoning the police to put a stop to it.

OP posts:
Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 22/09/2020 08:45

Firstly, you don't even know if DSS's gf is pregnant. However, in any event, I would send a text to DSS telling him to get round to your home, by himself, pronto, or you will be informing the police that he has had sex with an underage girl which is illegal.

Telephone his dad too. I don't think this the time for worrying about whether the conversation should take place by phone or in person. It may give his dad time to get over the shock and any anger he may feel over the situation before he addresses it in person with his son and gf.

Tell your soon-to-be ex-friend to send him home and tell her you are going to tell DSS's dad and his mother will also be told (preferably either by DSS or by your husband) and that, if she would prefer to speak to the police in preference, you are happy for her to do that.

RubixMania · 22/09/2020 08:46

Are you on good terms with DSs’s mother? If your oh is away, can you tell his mum? Then both of you go there today and drag him out if need be.

And if the girlfriends mum is weird or controlling or abusive about it, have a quiet word in her ear about the fact that she’s obsessing over a 16 year old boy and why this may be. Imply that you think maybe she has her eye on him herself which would warrant reporting and maybe you can scare her into Shutting TFU.

ConcernedAboutWarrington · 22/09/2020 08:50

Call your DP at work and tell him what you know
this is a domestic emergency and he needs to come home asap
He arrives home and gets DSS home asap
Hold a family conference with DSS, DH and DSS' mother
Decide what to do if GF is/isn't pregnant
if she is, all adults support DSS to deal with it
If she isn't, all adults support DSS to live with healthy boundaries incl. With this girl. She's 14 FGS.

Lots of lessons here.

It's a safeguarding issue for two minors. Deal with it as such ASAP.

PegasusReturns · 22/09/2020 08:55

This is batshit.

GF is either pregnant or not. Given a reluctance to test I’m guessing not.

GF mother is controlling and weird. You need to tell your DH so he can go round there on Friday and make DSS come home.

Then encourage DSS to stay well away.

Ariela · 22/09/2020 08:55

Hang on a minute.
You say DSS says he's not slept with her, he says no way waiting till she's older.
At the very least I'd believe DSS if he says he is waiting.....can you get the opportunity to ask if this is still the case? (without everyone else chipping in their 2p?)

You don't get to see original test, it was thrown away. Then GF messes up 2nd test. Then doesn't take 3nd one. Has she actually taken a test that says she is pregnant? Have they actually had sex? Is she actually pregnant? Or is this just a ruse to keep DSS at her beck and call?

I'd be telling DSS he HAS to be home Fri night to talk this through with his Dad. And tell both him and GF mother she doesn't get to decide this, it's not an option.

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2020 08:56

I can't believe ANY of the adults in this situation allow a 16 year old boy to sleep over every weekend with an underage girl. The fact that the mother of the girl is downplaying it boggles the mind, but the boy's parents have a very serious responsibility to protect him from ending up accused of statutory rape. They should absolutely not be allowed alone together and you should definitely tell your partner.

TitsOutForHarambe · 22/09/2020 08:59

You absolutely have to tell your partner, and I think Friday is too long to wait. I would call him as soon as he's able to have a decent chat (ie once he's finished work today). From there, let your husband decide what to do and whether or not to tell his ex.

The mother is an idiot if she actually thinks you would keep this from your husband. You owe her nothing.

Scweltish · 22/09/2020 09:00

@Elai1978

If they're in the U.K. (assume they are) DSS can, I believe, be done for statutory rape.

No such thing in the UK

Uh.. yes there is?
Menofsteel · 22/09/2020 09:01

Wow. Time to go nuclear OP. Had this been my dss (now 21) I’d definitely tell his mum and my dh and be issuing a warning you’re involving professionals like SS. This little girl needs protection from her mum by the sounds of it as well as dss. Don’t be afraid. Get a light shining on this family. My step brother ended up getting his girlfriend mother pregnant aged 16 when her clingy attitude to him turned out to be her grooming him and convincing him she had been sterilised. This situation may be different but there are red flags 🚩 everywhere!

Original poster
19claire88 · 22/09/2020 09:04

I’m going to give DSS the choice to do the right thing and let a parent know by tonight and if not then it will come from me, I can’t be held responsible for ignoring this issue, someone else outside the people she wants to know. It’s a massive betrayal of trust that’s come from the mother she wanted to confide in a friend but I’m the step mother it’s different

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 22/09/2020 09:10

Given how nuts GF mum is I’d expect next stage is for her to tell your DH herself and tell him that you were refusing to tell him, but that she’s doing the right thing....

Parkermumma07 · 22/09/2020 09:11

He can be arrested for rape, a person under 16 cannot consent to sex. The CPS may say it’s not in the public interest to charge him with any offences but her certainly can be arrested. If the girls goes for an abortion then social services will get involved due to her age and they may well inform the police.