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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think grandparents need to step up

652 replies

mypetEufy · 21/09/2020 11:10

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 21/09/2020 11:11

Families are complicated. This isn't your business.

workhomesleeprepeat · 21/09/2020 11:16

Would be nice if they did, but they’re not obligated to.

I have no help from my parents or ILs, and my parents had no help from theirs. I didn’t expect free help from anyone when I had kids I knew it would be grim sometimes!

But ya as above with regards to your friends it’s none of your business. Please don’t tell your friends to tell their parents they should help it’s not your place.

formerbabe · 21/09/2020 11:16

I agree. My parents are dead but my mil is totally useless. I cannot understand families like this. I think providing full time childcare is far too much to expect from GPS and I think it's cheeky. However, I cannot understand ones who literally won't do a thing to help. It seems really cruel to me...I'd never leave my dc without support when they become parents.

redlockscelt · 21/09/2020 11:16

It's nothing to do with you. I would be run into the ground willingly before I let my parents near my children.

AlexaShutUp · 21/09/2020 11:17

Well, they don't have to help if they don't want to...but if my dd was struggling in the situations that you describe, I would drop everything to do what I could.

It's sad if other parents don't feel that way, but we don't ever really know what is going on behind the scenes in others' lives. There might be very good reasons why they can't/won't step up that you just don't know about. It's easy to judge from afar.

Queenfreak · 21/09/2020 11:18

Yanbu, I don't know a single family irl that operates in an isolated unsupported island.
Some part of their family, or even friends provide either practical or emotional support.
Even my fucked up family, my parents would be here from abroad in a heartbeat, should I need them

Squirrelblanket · 21/09/2020 11:18

It's a shame but they really have no obligation to help out. They've done their child rearing.

Anordinarymum · 21/09/2020 11:19

It's not the fault of the grandparents that your friend is struggling. Do not interfere

Yesterdayforgotten · 21/09/2020 11:20

YANBU me and dh have non supportive grandparents too who frankly are wrapped up in themselves. I understand they have had their children already therefore don't want any more but we have and would never put on to them or expect anything above and beyond. They were poor in ways like not bothering to bring food to help or not asking for cups of tea made when you've had no sleep. They come over and just sit and provide absolutely no support whatsoever and them complain they're hungry and expect lunch etc causing me more running around. They would say oh you have your dh and had no concept that he was sleep deprived too! I am jealous of people who have lovely doting grandparents; ours will happily go weeks without seeing the dc and complain the dc arent loving with them or wanting to hug them Confused

HorsePellets · 21/09/2020 11:20

Both of these examples fall very clearly into the “you don’t know enough about what’s going on between them to pass any kind of judgment”

FelicityPike · 21/09/2020 11:20

Why don’t YOU offer to help?
None of your business, you don’t know their reasons. Stop being so judgy.

Florencex · 21/09/2020 11:21

I think you are spending too much time thinking about what other people’s parents should be doing.

VettiyaIruken · 21/09/2020 11:21

I voted YANBU because I agree that families ought to want to help each other out and it is sad when they don't.
But that said, they have absolutely no obligation and if they don't want to, that's the end of it.
Petty as it may be, I'd be remembering that attitude when they got older and needed help with shopping and suchlike.

It goes both ways

formerbabe · 21/09/2020 11:21

It's not the fault of the grandparents that your friend is struggling

That's a really odd point of view. When my dc get older and are struggling with anything, I wouldn't just think, well that's not my fault, and leave them to it. How unpleasant.

seayork2020 · 21/09/2020 11:22

Apart from being none of your business, grandparents have had their time at having kids, they probably want their time to be about what they want to do in their own lives.

Grandparents are probably sick of being used as childcare

LonelyFromCorona · 21/09/2020 11:22

Quite a few 'boomer' types like this. Suggestions of help are met with woe betide me comparisons to life in the 70s - as if that is in anyway relevant to someone's present day struggles.

Regardless, don't think this thread adds to anything. Always a case by case scenario and you don't have a full picture of the underlying relationships or situation.

MummytoCSJH · 21/09/2020 11:22

You will get a million replies saying that they're not obligated to do anything. I think that as someone who comes from a functional family (at least in this way as you don't see the issues) your intentions are in the right place but not everyone has a simple relationship with their parents/grandparents, it's not as easy as 'they should step up' because even if morally they should lots won't. Though you and I like to think we would help if we were in their position because we wouldn't want to see our child struggle if we had the option, not everyone thinks like this. Some people are selfish and think once their children are adults they aren't responsible for them any more, that they should be grateful for even existing or pay them back for everything they spent when they were a child, some people, like my mum, like to have their children dependant on them. People like me deliberately don't put themselves in a position where they rely on their parent's help in order to avoid the conflict that comes with it. Sometimes you don't get help and support and you just have to get on with it. This is something to consider when having children especially as a single parent.

Yesterdayforgotten · 21/09/2020 11:23

Oh and when I was struggling with my first poorly silent reflux baby when dh was at work I rang my mother. She replied 'oh dear' then proceeded to tell me about the shopping trip she was currently on and the lovely things she was up to. I put down the phone and balled my eyes out.
Yes they yave had they dc already but having some compassion and alittle support wouldnt kill them. They have rang me over lesser things and I've dropped everything!

Marlena1 · 21/09/2020 11:23

I think you're right OP. I know they don't have to but you would think you'd want to help out. My parents (one elderly) helped massively and while they didn't have to it was such a great support and made my life a lot easier. I hope that I'm in a position to help out if my own have children.

Totickleamockingbird · 21/09/2020 11:24

It’s upsetting to see how we, as a society, have generally dumped mothers and left them to fight far too many fights on their own.
Whatever happened to ‘it takes a village to raise a child’?

Mintjulia · 21/09/2020 11:24

Grandparents have already raised their children. If they are retired after 50 years working, they have every right to want to relax.

My dm liked pictures of her gcs on her mantlepiece but no further involvement. It wasn't very helpful, but it was her life.

D4rwin · 21/09/2020 11:24

You have no idea of the family dynamics. I get a lot of people suggesting I should involve my parents but they don't know what my parents are actually like.

Also unfortunately a lot of people don't see the reality of someone's life, or even care. People often present an 'everything is fine' line with their parents as the relationship might appear supportive but isn't like that in reality.

Yesterdayforgotten · 21/09/2020 11:24

have had their^

rayoflightboy · 21/09/2020 11:24

Im a gp and i try to help where i can.But you cant win offer help and advice and you are interfering.Stand back and wait to be asked.And its you cant be bothered.

If they need help from their parents,they are going to have to ask.The GP are not mind readers.

Anordinarymum · 21/09/2020 11:24

@Yesterdayforgotten

YANBU me and dh have non supportive grandparents too who frankly are wrapped up in themselves. I understand they have had their children already therefore don't want any more but we have and would never put on to them or expect anything above and beyond. They were poor in ways like not bothering to bring food to help or not asking for cups of tea made when you've had no sleep. They come over and just sit and provide absolutely no support whatsoever and them complain they're hungry and expect lunch etc causing me more running around. They would say oh you have your dh and had no concept that he was sleep deprived too! I am jealous of people who have lovely doting grandparents; ours will happily go weeks without seeing the dc and complain the dc arent loving with them or wanting to hug them Confused
But this is just your experience. You can't know what goes on in other people's lives. This is one area people should stay out of.