To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

People have to take responsibility for themselves too. You don’t mention any financial issues for the “clean eating” mother. Is it really that much harder to bake an omelette in the oven (so less attention than in a pan) than to stick a pizza in? If you have so much information about this friend, help her. Remind her that the clean eating pays dividends for her health and ask how you can help her get back to it.

But yes, I do like to think that if I’m ever a grandparent, I’ll be very practically and emotionally supportive.

For all that today’s society are socially connected with relatives they wouldn’t have known existed before Facebook and dna testing, the idea that it takes a village to raise a child Is now considered entitlement and everyone loves to point out how parents aren’t obligated to help out once their kids hit 16/18/some other arbitrary age of being expected to cope.

In reality, people have rarely had so little support. Of course there are instances of someone’s hard done by single mother who just got on with it so everyone else should but why should they?

Judging expectations of help or lack thereof based on those who struggled the most helps no one.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a parent to help their adult Children out in times of need. sadly my parents are of the generation who had full parental support whenever required and will not continue that support for their own kids. I vow never to be like that because it is hard having to struggle without support. It’s hard when you don’t have a village.

@Squirrelblanket

It's a shame but they really have no obligation to help out. They've done their child rearing.

It's an interesting qn as to when we stop caring for our kids/ so helping them though. Do you ever really stop being a parent to them in terms of making their needs important (not necessarily the priority), it seems sometimes people think after 18 your all just mutual adults existing in the world with no relationship

I claim the prize for the most useless grandparents. I swear mil would have failed to recognise dd in a line up.

When I had dd, a friend came over to look after ds (at 3am) but had to go to work, so dh called the pil. They reluctantly agreed. Dh and I scooted off to hospital.

He kept leaving the operating theatre (yes, the operating theatre!) and it turned out fil was repeatedly calling the hospital to ask when dh would be back as mil was “bored”. When dh returned home, they went mad at him because we had left the house in a mess and with no meals prepared for them (dd was three weeks early). Apparently there was a huge row with fil saying mil was his priority and dh should have come straight home after dropping me at the hospital and not stayed for the birth . It culminated in dh throwing a coffee table (small) after them as they stormed off...

Ah - that was therapeutic! My parents would have been ace grandparents so it particularly sucked that the pil were so awful.

Firstly, it should be the child’s father stepping up, not the GPs.
Secondly, most people don’t seem to want their GPs involvement, unless they do things exactly as they are required to. Standards are so high these days, you can see how trying to help doesn’t feel worth the effort.
Thirdly, most GPs are tired. You simply do not have the energy you have in your 20s/30s. Most GPs brought their own children up with little help and honestly cannot understand why their DC seem to need so much help.

My personal situation is that my mother did not feel inclined to ‘help’ me at all. I enjoyed her company and she enjoyed mine but she drew the line at help. However, I do look after my own GC one day per week. I am knackered at the end of that day and don’t offer to do any more such as cleaning /cooking/ironing! Thankfully I have a fabulous DiL who has never suggested any expectation of anything else and doesn’t criticise the care I give.

I agree. I don't think GPS should be expected to be regular childcare but should they help their adult kid out once in a while? You'd hope so.

I cannot imagine that there would ever be a time that I could sit on my arse doing nothing knowing my children needed a bit of help if they're struggling. It's family. Family help each other (and no, I don't mean one sibling mooching off the rest or one taking priority over the others)

@VettiyaIruken

I voted YANBU because I agree that families ought to want to help each other out and it is sad when they don't. But that said, they have absolutely no obligation and if they don't want to, that's the end of it. Petty as it may be, I'd be remembering that attitude when they got older and needed help with shopping and suchlike.

It goes both ways

Sounds perfectly fair. I'm under no obligation to look after my parents and doubt I will.

I know someone in their mid 80s that helps with their grand children

Great to spend time with grand children

But is that actually fair for someone of that age ?

Certainly they do need to step up.

Parenting does not end at 18. You are a parent for life.

If they are worried about virus risk, they could deliver food that they've cooked, they could help financially if they are not hard up. They could do gardening or any sort of stuff that requires no close contact. Anything to try to help people struggle out from pressurised situations.

There are too many people spending all their time in the garden relaxing at the moment. I think it's shamefully self indulgent if you and healthy and have family members who are desperately struggling.

These children also have fathers... where are they with parenting their children...

Are those mothers claiming CMS if they are single....noone should be relying on foodbanks especially if working..

Maybe help your friends to help themselves....
I had no help ...my mum had no help and millions of people have no help or bring kids up 100s of miles away from families...
As people move for work...yes maybe they could help but usually when your an adult you can't rely on others ...

I think GPs who don't step up are fools. My parents watched indifferently as I struggled with PND, a severely ill baby and lively toddler. They never babysat. They would call and tell me all about their lovely social life and not care that I was on my knees with exhaustion.

Now they are old, I feel far less inclination to help them than I would naturally. My natural instinct is to nurture and care for people and bend over backwards for loved ones. But they showed they didn't really care much for me, which helped me see my childhood far more clearly. I help a bit (far far more than they did) but on my own terms and without any guilt at the restrictions I choose to impose. Their loss.

Firstly, it should be the child’s father stepping up, not the GPs.

When we had DS Dh was working full time in a shitty inflexible job. How could he step up and help me at 7pm if he was still in work for example?

He did change nappies in the night, though I was breastfeeding so had to wake up for that anyway. He did come home from work andtake over with the baby so I could have a bath, though as soon as I did that DS would immediately want feeding and wouldn't take a bottle. We were both run ragged and exhausted (and I was still ill) and my parents were so fantastically supportive and helped so much. For DH to have supported me more he'd have needed more paternity leave, we weren't even out of hospital when he had to go back to work and he was quite distraught about leaving me.

I'm with you OP, I can't imagine watching my DC struggle and my GC suffer if I was free in any way to help.

Helping out with kids used to be the norm, family friends and neighbours would all muck in, but now it seems to be going the other way! There is almost a nastiness about it, your kids your problem type thing.

Typically both parents have to work now and are struggling more than ever, especially in the current climate. Why wouldn't you help you child for a few short years?!

I voted YABU purely because I could see no mention of the fathers in your OP. It's nice if GPs will step up but if the fathers don't give a shit about children they've helped create I think it's unfair to expect GPs to step in to make up for their inadequacies.

It's nice if they offer. But there shouldn't be an obligation. Where are the fathers in these scenarios. They're the ones who should be stepping up.

My DM never ever helped even when I was very ill and a lone parent. She created work whenever she came to visit and didn't have a relationship at all with my DS. My Dad was amazing. He really helped and spent hours with my DS. Consequently they had a wonderful relationship. The thing is we want them to want to. I know I couldnt see my DS struggle emotionally or financially and I want to be part of my DGCs lives

Its nice if grandparents do offer to help but as others have said they aren't obligated to. Ultimately your kids are your own issue. Why not offer to help her yourself?

Families are complicated sometimes like your DM before you just have to get on with it and be thankful you don't have 6 DC.
Nobody takes my DC either, it is my birthday soon I told my sisters all I want is 4 hours without the DC especially DS he doesn't sleep and he is on restricted time in school he goes for 1 hour.

I'd usually be inclined to say that parents/ grandparents need to live their own lives and make their own decisions but I think the pandemic has brought out a particular type of selfishness in some of the older generation. I've run myself ragged with a full time job, shopping for my not particularly elderly or infirm parents, kids etc without my parents acknowledging this at all. Your friends parents definitely need to step up either physically with help or at the very least with cash. What decent parent sees their child suffering like that and doesn't help if they can?

My maternal grandparents were very disinterested. Totally self absorbed and didn’t help out at all with any of the grandchildren. Even during really difficult times like bereavement.

As a result I never felt the warmth for them that I did my paternal grandmother (paternal grandfather died when I was a baby). They also still expected their kids to drop everything and help them when their health started to fail and they needed running to and from appointment etc. I remember my grandad getting stroppy when Nan got ill and he ‘couldn’t get hold of anyone’ to help.

Selfish in the extreme.

I do see what you mean but even when families “get on well” it’s sometimes not as straightforward as that.

The rare times I bother to tell my mother I’m having issues of any kind the response is basically always “oh dear that’s a shame let me know if there’s anything I can do to help”. Even when I’ve basically told her what she can do to help (when I was a single mum anyway). But she’ll tell people how close we are and what an involved granny she is. Even though in my mind we aren’t and she isn’t.

Helping out with kids used to be the norm, family friends and neighbours would all muck in, but now it seems to be going the other way

The opposite is what I see. Neighbours maybe not, but the only grandparent I know who doesn't help every week is still working herself at age sixty-six, but still has the children often overnight at the weekend.
The retired ones all give up a couple of days or more every week and often travel long distances to do so.

These children also have fathers... where are they with parenting their children

My dh got no paternity leave...he had one day off then I was on my own from 7.30am-7pm

These children also have fathers... where are they with parenting their children
DP is out 12 hours a day, trust me we're equally exhausted.
I'd help my DC out.

For those saying to the OP she should mind her own business, these were just examples, surely? It’s a wider question, and while it shouldn’t necessarily be an expectation it’s not wrong to ask why so many grandparents seem to be so unsupportive

Yes, maybe it wasn't clear but it's a general question, the two anecdotes are just examples.

I'm not posting as I think my friends' lives are 'my business' or 'my problem'. I can't change their families, I don't know all the details to start with.

It's the wider issue I'm struggling with. Totally agree with the PPs who said they'd be there for their own DC come what may. It's hard bringing up kids, I want to make things as smooth as I can for my kids and grandkids as no parent can do it all. We all could do with a helping hand.