To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

OP, I know what you mean.

The difficulty with a specific family is there may be all kinds of things going on that aren't visible to outsiders. So I would normally be hesitant to say "this family isn't stepping up enough".

But you see it all over, people with the attitude that they don't have an absolute obligation to help others, including family, and that's all there is to it. I don't think that's really how families should operate nor do I think it's how society should operate.

Weirdly, I find both woking class families, and families with old money in some form be it from business or something else, are less likely to take that approach.

In my experience, and I'm ONLY speaking for that, the "boomer" generation are incredibly selfish and self absorbed. Many grandparents I have heard of only want grandchildren to say they have them, and for photographic updates! Not all of course, but the ones that actually want to be involved in a way where they truly participate in the life of the extended family are few and far between.

My own mother put enormous pressure on me to have a child after I had decided not to have any. I would have been very happy with no children, living the life I wanted.

I relented. I found motherhood fun and now have three children. My parents live on the other side of the world. I have travelled alone on 30-40 hour flights while 6 months pregnant, and with two toddlers in tow, to see my parents at their request.
In 3 months they offered ONE TIME to mind my children for a couple of hours so I could 'rest'. They were absolutely oblivious to the exhaustion I felt. If I asked them for help they would act like I was shirking being a mother, shirking work, like they had done enough already, and why was I trying to offload my children onto THEM!

Both of my parents had me in year- round childcare when I was growing up. I barely saw them. I don't understand their selfishness, now I just ignore it and expect nothing, but I do beleive it is a generational trait. YANBU OP, they are useless and should step up. It's their loss. They'll stay in their self satisfied little bubbles, in paid off houses, with hoarded wealth and never really relate to the younger generations at all.Their 'work' is done.