To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

As a Granny I cannot understand Grandparents who don’t want to help although I have to say all my Grandparent friends are very hands- on . I really only come across this problem on MN .
It’s all very well saying they are not obliged to help - I know that but surely most families want to help each other?
My DD is struggling with her pregnancy and I am doing what I can ; ironing , making soup and having DGS to stay when she is exhausted.
I couldn’t sit back and do nothing .

It’s upsetting to see how we, as a society, have generally dumped mothers and left them to fight far too many fights on their own.

It's interesting, though, isn't it, that the calls are for the grandparents to step up in these situations? Where are the fathers in all of this, I wonder, and why as a society are we not holding them more to account?

I’m guessing all the people saying

I only said YABU in that so many parents dont. Mine haven't and I was devestated. I similarly struggled when mine were v small and didn't get any empathy (wasn't after childcare!)

I will be so different with mine as long as I live long enough.

I've had counselling this last year regarding my childhood - apparently when you have a baby and small children is a common time to reflect on your own childhood - either to be really aware of what your parents did for you or to feel enormous love for your own babies and wonder why on earth your parents wouldn't feel that for you.

@Anordinarymum

It's not the fault of the grandparents that your friend is struggling. Do not interfere

Agree!

And it's not my fault if someone loses their job, why should my hard earned money go in taxes to help them when I've been very frugal

Oh wait. Sorry, that's just how arseholes think.

Oldbutstillgotit - you sound so lovely. I wish you had been my mum! I have really struggled on my own.

I guess we make freinds with "people like us." You're unlikely to be friends with the type of people that dont seem to give a shit about their children. My dad was of the "you got pregnant - you chose it - get on with it" school of thought...

Personally I couldn't watch my kids struggling how you describe but in reality it isn't their responsibility, it's not their child. The people who should be helping are the kids fathers (apologies if these are both widows but it's highly unlikely)

Why aren’t the children’s fathers stepping up in these circumstances?

I dont disagree. In my world families help each other out where they can.

But yabu as an onlooker to imagine you know the full story.

Does your friend want any help?
I'm one of those people that like to do everything myself and wouldn't accept help from anyone however much I was struggling.

I’m guessing all the people saying that grandparents aren’t obligated etc etc are the parents who will be casting their children out into the world at eighteen without so much as a backward glance.

I’d also imagine that many of those would feel upset when they’re elderly and their adult children don’t want to know.

For those saying to the OP she should mind her own business, these were just examples, surely? It’s a wider question, and while it shouldn’t necessarily be an expectation it’s not wrong to ask why so many grandparents seem to be so unsupportive.

They've done their child rearing.

Not in the midst of a pandemic, trying to work from home with a child in the house, they didn’t.

I'm not a grandparent although I'm mid-sixties. I can see why they maybe might not babysit if they are vulnerable and it might be against the rules, but, certainly in the case of your first example, there is no reason why they couldn't help out with money. I couldn't let my adult children rely on foodbanks if I had enough money to help them.

And if anything I worry about them more now than I did when they were children - at least I could look after them then.

OP is talking about single mothers in these specific cases I think - these friends of hers don’t seem to have ex partners on the scene.

But a lot of fathers - both those still in the family unit and those who have separated- seem to have left mothers to pick up all the slack.

Anyway, you reap what you sow. I am a kind person and would be an awesome dil...however, my mil has never done a single thing to help us so I certainly won't ever lift a finger to help her.

YABU. Your friends chose to have children, and their children are their responsibility, not their parents.

The person who should put themself out to support a mother who is struggling with children is the children's Dad.
Then paid childcare, family support worker or health visitor, then extended family. We don't all have grandparents. Unless bereaved, all our children have a dad, and censure for not being involved in a child's life is misdirected if aimed at grandparents.

I can’t imagine not helping family out. My parents help a lot - they live abroad but my mum came for 3 months when DD was born, and would happily pitch in and help when possible. But DHs family is like this - insisted we go on a v child unfriendly holiday when she was very very young, and would hear us struggling to get her to sleep, knew we had v little sleep for the whole week, but wouldn’t even offer to hold her for 10 mins so we could shower or anything. MIL hasn’t so much as changed a nappy despite having come to visit for 6 weeks to see DD.

Don’t know what it is. Feels selfish. Same people would totally expect us to drop everything and come care for them if they needed it. Or maybe we look so put together and on top of things they didn’t realise when we were struggling? Who knows.

Yes I agree OP .I will do anything to help my daughter, within reason . I can still remember the relief of passing my baby to someone else so I could have my arms back or just mentally switch off for a while

Where are the entire family circle may be a more appropriate question. I watch a dear friend of mine being used and abused by her affluent daughter and son-in-law. She's been having treatment for cancer and should be completely shielding but the children are left with her all the time, even with runny noses and coughs . Not only do they leave the children but they also leave their two designer dogs with her.
The parents need time to chill apparently or there's always furniture and things to be bought but they don't want the hassle of bringing their children to the shop.
The grandparent dynamics are quite complex, not all of them want to be carers and I think that's what you're expecting.

That's a really odd point of view. When my dc get older and are struggling with anything, I wouldn't just think, well that's not my fault, and leave them to it. How unpleasant

I think theoretically it's very easy to say this, but you don't know how you will feel in five years time let alone when your children are having children. A neighbour of mine is a very young, fit healthy 56 year old grandmother. Her son's baby dd faces going into care as the mother has MH issues and the ds is not deemed stable enough to look after her. I was initially horrified when she said she told SS flat out that she couldn't look after the baby, but she explained that she just didn't have the mental energy required to look after a very young baby full time.

I've been really struggling with anxiety and insomnia. My MIL offered to come up and help which is really sweet but I would rather she didnt as she is in her 80s and has health problems. Both myself and DH use public transport to get to work and DC are at school, I dont want to increase her risk of catching covid.

Going by this forum and others how many people complain 'MIL wants to take over' or 'i am being judged' 'my baby my rules' 'don't you let anyone tell you wbat to do it is your baby' etc.

So even when people want to help it is wrong

Why aren’t the children’s fathers stepping up in these circumstances?

Well exactly, but a lot of people have very low expectations of men, so they don't get held to account much, much easier to question why someone who has no obligation to help with the children don't. I agree that logically it seems to make sense that grandparents would help out, but they don't have to.

Lots of grandparents are amazingly supportive, but at the end of the day, the relationships between members of that family aren't your concern.

You should have babies assuming you will have to deal with everything on your own (or with your partner), any help is a bonus, and grandparents are not obligated.

If it was me I would want to help as much as possible, as I know my parents would want to help me .. but it's not me .. and it's not you.