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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think grandparents need to step up

652 replies

mypetEufy · 21/09/2020 11:10

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

OP posts:
rayoflightboy · 25/09/2020 21:09

We spent over £50k in childcare whilst my DM had holidays and did her own thing. My DC never had a sleepover in 13 years. She lived ten minutes away and we saw her once a month. No way would I have run round after her in her old age though (if she'd have lived long enough), she would have bought in care. No falling out. Just pleasing ourselves.
Which she is entitled to.Your kids,you look after them.

Facelikearustytractor · 25/09/2020 21:14

Voted YANBU as people do conveniently say they have no obligation to help out, you chose to have kids etc, but turn around and expect you to drop everything to help the gp's.

My mum helps out once a week and so does my sister. Dad does nothing childcare-wise, but is keen to see kids (both of my parents are working still and are over 65) , IL's do fuck all but talk about themselves when we see them (and neither work) and we had to ask if we could bring the kids over last time. We have already agreed that we would help my mum more when she is older, but less so the others. It goes both ways.

newnamewhosthis · 25/09/2020 21:28

Sorry I didn't mean to sound patronising I was just meaning in comparison to my situation when I was a child.

Once a month is the very minimum it's often longer than this

Wanttolearnmore · 25/09/2020 21:57

YANBU but I'm not sure what you can do about it really, apart from maybe ask these friends if they have approached their parents for some support. There may be reasons why not.
As part of the wider discussion as to whether GP's should be obliged to help, I don't see how a sense of obligation needs to.come into it - surely just a sense of compassion for your adult child would prompt GP to help them? It seems that simple to me. Raising babies and toddlers is and always has been hard work, at times of extreme difficulty family should help out, from one generation to another in both directions - this is totally different to suggesting that the older generation helping in even a minor way is an abdication of responsibility for their children on the younger generations part I.e. the 'you had them, you look after them' type comments. I don't think a GP coming round with a cooked meal after daughter had a difficult labour is going to mean said daughter gets excessively dependent on GP for help with GC is it? It's just a compassionate thing to do.

Mary46 · 25/09/2020 22:04

Its nice get help but not a given. But hard when you have shell out for babysitters for weddings etc. I dont feel I should spoil my mum now!! Works 2 ways I think. Their other granny is lovely.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 25/09/2020 22:17

Newname I hope this thread can help you s see how lucky you are, and that you appreciate them!

Littered5 · 25/09/2020 22:21

@rayoflightboy

We spent over £50k in childcare whilst my DM had holidays and did her own thing. My DC never had a sleepover in 13 years. She lived ten minutes away and we saw her once a month. No way would I have run round after her in her old age though (if she'd have lived long enough), she would have bought in care. No falling out. Just pleasing ourselves. Which she is entitled to.Your kids,you look after them.
This attitude of their your kids you look after them STINKS. I don’t think you should jump dump your children on GPs when ever you expect to absolutely not. There’s a difference between helping if you can though.
Littered5 · 25/09/2020 22:25

@Ingles2

I totally agree... I've been no contact with my parents for the last 10 years as they thought it was farrrrr more important to enjoy their retirement abroad, doing absolutely nothing but sitting in bars with other expats, while their children have struggled, coped with poverty, death and illness.. They will reap what they have sown. There is absolutely no way, not any kind of chance at all, that I will behave in the same way to my dc... what is point in family, in life even, if you don't support your community?
Excellent point.
UndertheCedartree · 25/09/2020 22:28

I see grandparents fall into 2 camps. Either they will do anything to help or they aren't interested. My DP moved abroad when I was pregnant with my 1st child. I must admit it caused me some heartache when I saw how my friends' parents were. I remember one Christmas when myself and a friend were both in 3rd trimester of our pregnancies. My DP were over and I did everything - waited on them hand and foot. My friend also had her DP over - they only agreed to come if she sat on the sofa and let them look after her. I just accept people are different, now. But if I'm lucky enough to become a grandmother I'll help my DC in any way they want. I know what it's like to be so unwell and still have to 'get on with it' (as I know many others do!) and I wouldn't wish that on them!

MagnoliaXYZ · 25/09/2020 23:12

Parents have chosen to have children.

Grandparents have no obligation to help at all.

SodaPerson · 25/09/2020 23:17

YABU, it's the parents job to look after children, not the grandparents.

If the grandparents want to help out then great, if not, then the parents should be able to cope. If they're not able to cope, then they really should have planned / thought about that before having kids imo.

Of course there are exceptions to this. E.g. if someone becomes widowed or gets a serious unexpected illness.

Mischance · 25/09/2020 23:20

I am a grandmother - I have not babysat, or done a school pick up for many months. This is not because I do not wish to but because my family wan to be sure I am safe.

I am missing this lots.

cptartapp · 26/09/2020 07:06

ray absolutely she was entitled to do her own thing. Just stating my experience and highlighting that many people have little if no unpaid help. I actually don't think GP should 'step up'. In fact as a GP the last thing I want to be doing is the school run. I too, want to be pleasing myself.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 26/09/2020 07:27

You can't judge. You have no idea the full situation as an outsider.

FunDragon · 26/09/2020 07:32

*Parents have chosen to have children.

Grandparents have no obligation to help at all.*

Yes. But what I can’t understand is watching your own adult child struggle and suffer when you could help. You chose to have that child, albeit a long time ago, in the knowledge that (good) parenting doesn’t stop at 18.

GPs aren’t obligated to provide childcare. But they remain parents, and that’s a choice they made.

I cannot imagine allowing my child and their child to suffer in a situation I could help.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 26/09/2020 08:10

Im the same. I imagine my health might mean I cant be a lot of physical help but I would so be offering to do the things I can amd to build a relationship with the children.

Im really sad for my children that my parents (other issues though to be fair) just arent interested at all, not developing a relationship, not even an icecream out or check were okay. They almost seem to gloat over it if we're not or somehow find a way to blame us. Ho hum.

rayoflightboy · 26/09/2020 09:26

Yes. But what I can’t understand is watching your own adult child struggle and suffer.

@FunDragon I wouldn't leave my adult sons struggling with no money or being homeless.

But at least the same time I'm not there because they just don't fancy doing the school run.
I just think certain posters want the GPs to be on speed dial and to drop everything for mundane things.

Mary46 · 26/09/2020 10:50

I be glad to help I think. But not 5 days minding. Depends on gp ages too. Few grannies lived near school so maybe that helped. My mam wasnt into helping was early 60s at the time

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/09/2020 10:54

Just to point out that not all GPs will need their adult children to care for them in their old age. So using the 'if they don't help me now I won't help them when they are old/infirm/frail/ill' argument won't always work.

Plenty of elderly people can manage by themselves or die suddenly. The decline into frail old age and dementia isn't a given.

ifpossible · 26/09/2020 11:05

Can I just say OP I think you are a fantastic person for even just noticing this. As someone who has had zero help from family but i’m to drop everything for them immediately.
My friends all have amazing supportive families & all the crap platitudes they chime out and pretend sympathy when they haven’t a clue really winds me up. I just totally avoid the subject now.

Mary46 · 26/09/2020 11:59

Ifpossible I found that too if u havent help and they have loads they have no idea. I dont go out of my way for my mam it works both ways. !!!!

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 26/09/2020 13:41

Oh absolutely. I live in an area where lots of people have close family who support each other and just didn't comprehend that I had trouble going for a smear test for example or booking anything or even just the sheer exhaustion of struggling when the kids were ill/didnt sleep. I absolutely would be there with a cup of tea and a friendly ear if nothing else.

Zyzxyz · 26/09/2020 21:40

Yet again, this is a government issue. They want to be the nanny state and control families. They could easily form neighborhood centers with licensed daycare professionals who could babysit children on an as needed basis. Use one room of an existing local school facility. Shouldn't cost a fortune to run. Staff salary and snacks. There are low tech, easy solutions to these problems but as usual, the government can't figure it out.

Heffalooomia · 26/09/2020 22:30

@ifpossible

Can I just say OP I think you are a fantastic person for even just noticing this. As someone who has had zero help from family but i’m to drop everything for them immediately. My friends all have amazing supportive families & all the crap platitudes they chime out and pretend sympathy when they haven’t a clue really winds me up. I just totally avoid the subject now.
please stop being at their beck and call...if they wont inconvenience themselves for you that means you don't have to inconvenience yourself for them!
Wineywoman · 27/09/2020 02:57

Come on guys, of course it is not her business - but so many topics aren't anyway! And of course she doesn't know what else is going on, but I get what she means. There are a lot of GPs who do the bare minimum for their grown up offspring, but they could put themselves out a bit now and then, surely to god?
I know of GPs who have NEVER had the children for a sleepover, barely take them for more than an hour when pushed - and one of my friends was told by her mum, "You had them, but don't ask me to babysit"! I know for a fact that they had a ton of help from family when they were young parents. It's a bit uncaring, isn't it, especially if your single parent OS are struggling in these strange times. I am there for mine whenever needed, though I can say not this time when the situation demands it. I will probably get, "Bully for you" for this reply, but I totally agree with OP.