To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

All my ds grandparents died by the time ds was 2, his father was useless ( I take responsibility in marrying a useless idiot) who later died. So the only help I really had was help I paid for. I think people expect far too much from grandparents, if I ever become a grandparent I'll help in an emergency if I could but no way would I be helping regularly. I think you should concentrate on what the fathers are doing not the grandparents

I think it’s a shame they know how much she’s struggling (doesn’t take a genius) but they don’t want to put themselves out. Quite a selfish outlook when they could help out.

Even one day a week 9-5 would be a huge help. It’s not permanent.

Well it’s not their children, so no they don’t need to step up.
Wh? The while thread is about parents helping their grown children.

Grandparents do t need to do anything. They have done their child rearing and are retired. It would be nice of course but it's not obligatory. I raised my own son completely alone as my parents decided to emigrate at that time. I was on the bread line at that time but my decision to have a child did not depend on their help. Ot was my decision.
I'd do anything g to help my son if he had a child personally and I could not see them starve or struggle if I could help it.

I disagree with the 'no obligation' crowd. I think families were always supposed to operate as multi-generational units. Everyone has a duty of care to everyone else.

That means grandparents and great grandparents helping their children but it also means children stepping up and being there and taking care of their parents in their old age.

I know many people have dysfunctional family members or difficult relationships that won't allow that with some of their family.

But in general I don't understand why people (on MN) tend to think that as soon as someone is 18 that's it they have to suddenly function as a separate unit for the rest of their lives.

@Oldbutstillgotit

As a Granny I cannot understand Grandparents who don’t want to help although I have to say all my Grandparent friends are very hands- on . I really only come across this problem on MN . It’s all very well saying they are not obliged to help - I know that but surely most families want to help each other? My DD is struggling with her pregnancy and I am doing what I can ; ironing , making soup and having DGS to stay when she is exhausted. I couldn’t sit back and do nothing .

Your daughter is very lucky xx

No, I don’t think they should be obligated to help. They may wish too but it’s perfectly ok to just want to enjoy being a grandparent without childcare.

They have no say in their adult children having them and the responsibility lies with the parents.

Why aren’t the children’s fathers stepping up in these circumstances?

Took the words right out of my keyboard!

These babies have 2 parents. The fathers need to help.

GPs have done their time rearing their own kids, and working. They deserve to enjoy their retirement and relax. If they want to take an active role in rearing GCs, then that's great, but it shouldn't be an expectation. After all, I doubt if they were consulted before the babies were conceived!

YANBU but as you accurately predicted mn is extremely weird about family ever helping. It is bizarrely frowned upon. I'll never understand it myelf.

Back in the real world families love and help each other, not see family struggle when they dont have to.

I will NEVER forgive my grandfather for how much harder he made my mums life when we were young. She had 3 children on her own, very little money. He charged her an extortionate amount of rent and bills to live in his house when he was and still is extremely rich and could afford to help her out.

According to mn my mum should have expected to 'pay her way' but honestly in real life who does that to their daughter who has just suffered a pretty traumatic separation and had to move miles away?

How old are the grandparents, OP? You describe the child as a "very active almost 2 year old". Maybe he or she is just too active and fast for them to handle at the moment? Toddler wrangling is tough enough when you're young and strong, but I struggle with my great-niece (2 years 4 months) now and I'm only mid 50s. She's incredible and I adore her, but she's bloody fast on her feet, bloody strong and totally bloody minded when she's in that kind of mood and I can only manage her for a couple of hours. I cannot trust her not to dart off into traffic or climb wardrobes, she's full on and I'm a limp rag by the time her Mum comes for her. Grandparents tend to be a little older, you know. Perhaps the child is just too much work right now and they'll be more willing when the kid is older and more co-operative.

Just to give a different perspective. I have found as I have aged that other people's kids interest me less and less. I'm sure it's hormonal. I used to be a very mumsy, totally devoted to children type of person, raised my ds alone for the first 7 years and have always paid for him in full. It took a lot out of me. He's off to uni now and if he turns up with a kid for me to look after in a few years time, I may well think that it's up to him and his partner. I had no help from anyone, partner or parents, and paid for everything myself including child care and private education from age 7 to 18. Part of me thinks I'm absolutely worn out with child rearing and making ends meet and I'm not really up for anyone having expectations that I should keep on with grandchildren. I probably would always help out because I'm a soft touch like that but I do understand why others may think they've made their contribution.

Grandparents aren’t OBLIGED to help. Nor are friends. Nor are local toddler groups. Nor is Social Services. Nor is an unwilling father. Nor are aunts and uncles. Nor is a Health Visitor, community nurse, mental health service or charity ...
I e discovered all this.
It’d still be better if they did, surely.

I agree. My parents and fil will not baby sit for us. My lovely mil did, but passed away when my children were little. I had PND after baby number 1 and no 2 was a colicky baby. We hardly slept for 3 months! I think if they had offered help in any form (baby sitting/making me a cup of tea/dropping if a meal) it would have really been appreciated. I remember bringing my parents home to see their g children. My mum kept asking for tea/cake/sandwich. I wondered why I bothered creating extra work for myself. So stopped inviting them over. Niw I just pop in once a month to check on them and send food over. Gp have to remember that it works both ways. If they don't bond with their g children, then they're never going to want to visit them. This is what's happened with my children, they feel as though they dont know them, so dont want to visit.

My view is that most good parents will help their children into adulthood and beyond to the extent that they are able to (given their own particular circumstances/age/health/finances etc), just like most good children who love their parents will also help them in very old age/when they are ill etc. Generally speaking if you really love someone you care and put them on par with your own needs. However, sometimes you get selfish grandparents who expect far more than they gave themselves and you get very selfish children who do not help their very elderly parents either. However, it is very difficult to judge a family from a far, even close friends, as the dynamics can be very complicated for many reasons. I know some grandparents who really struggled with no help themselves and financially for many years who want to enjoy their last few years with no obligations/worries so they purposefully distance themselves from their children, I can't say I blame them as their good quality days are numbered.

You can't force them to help out with the kids.
I think looking after a baby or toddler can be hard work and is exhausting... maybe the grandparents just don't have the energy for the children? Or there are underlying issues that you don't know about.

*Friend 1) why isn’t the dad helping? Looking after one 2 year old isn’t exactly ‘run ragged’

Friend 2) she’s making a choice to eat shit every night. She could pick up a pre made salad instead of a pizza.*

1. Can't really go into too much detail posting online. But yes, Dad should be helping.

Looking after one 2 year old isn’t exactly ‘run ragged’

Right then, I'll just go let her know that looking after a two year old alone, whilst working isn't really enough to run someone ragged. I'm sure she'll be relieved to hear it was all a big fuss about nothing

2. Think her husband is doing the food work at the moment, she's got enough on her plate with breastfeeding her firstborn who isn't sleeping and adapting to motherhood more generally. I don't know if I was in the right kind of place to be making good food choices when my baby was that age so I'm not going to judge her.

If parents need help raising their kids do they check with the grandparents first before having them?

A serious question because it is all well having 3 kids (or any number) but it is not fair to have them and expect others to help

It’s sad that the op friend is on the breadline and uses food banks regular yet has parents local and not poor

Then again they may have worked all their lives to have some money now and feel she is a grownup abs should be able to cope

My dd is 3. If in years to come she ended up a single parent and I could help her I would

Generally speaking if you really love someone you care and put them on par with your own needs

Couldn't agree more.

Some are hands on some not. My mam never helped made a major deal if asked. Maybe a good thing as no duty now to bring her on holidays etc. Depends on ages op my friend mam is 60s very involved. Maybe the grannies are older.

We had some help when our DC were small ( Mil came to stay) but then it tailed off, hey have little interest in their GC. We don’t expect anything, but I ageee it’s a shame when parents see their adult children/GC struggling and do t do anything.

In our case I think it’s the “ golden children” syndrome. My IL’s bend over backwards for two of their adult children and do nothing for the other two. Guess which type poor DH is?😂.

I think yanbu but my situation is different in that in-laws have never really cared. They have not seen dd in 10 1/2 months now, so since before pandemic.
Their only other grandchild lived with them because of their interfering toxic behaviour caused a breakdown in relationship between stepmother and dg. She has since moved out but stayed with them on several occasions as they have a bedroom set up for her ( they had this up before she moved in with them).

They have told us on several occasions that they will not look after our dd as she has seizures. Their own daughters had seizures. They r experienced in this. They knowingly let us have dd without telling us of risk of epilepsy. (Dh much younger than siblings)
They have had other gc every weekend (before she lived with them) since she was a baby. They have babysat 2 times in 11 years for us and both times caused such a stink about it we almost didn't go out.
They don't care and it makes me want to go non contact! Some people are arseholes and grand parents.

In lock down no one had family help. It was lock down. Keep your nose out

Grandparents aren’t OBLIGED to help. Nor are friends. Nor are local toddler groups. Nor is Social Services. Nor is an unwilling father. Nor are aunts and uncles. Nor is a Health Visitor, community nurse, mental health service or charity ...
I e discovered all this.
It’d still be better if they did, surely

I'm sorry Krazynights34.

It's up to them and you can't know the full story but I don't get it either.

My parents were 70 + when they first became gps but they still delivered daily soup to the new parents and washed the dishes when visiting etc. And they even stepped in with overnight childcare when needed a few years in. They stepped in financially too following the sudden death of my sibling.

It seems odd to coo and cooch while your grown children struggle.