To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

You can think what you like the fact of the matter is these grandparents don't have and want that relationship with their grandchildren and children.

The best thing for your friends' to do is form their own social network of other relations, friends and neighbours who will help out.

I've had to help out my older siblings with children even when my parents were alive as my parents and step-mother refused to look after their grandchildren. This is because as far as they were concerned they had passed their child rearing years and didn't want to obliged to care for their grandchildren. In my case I found it amusing as there are large age gaps between my oldest and youngest siblings which mean the oldest grandchild is the age of the youngest sibling.

The real question is, why isn't anyone stepping up? It doesn't have to be grandparents or the fathers - what about their friends? You know them well enough to know friend one is living off food banks and friend two has no time to cook healthy food.

If my friends needed support, I wouldn't be complaining about their useless families, I would be giving them support.

After all, friends are the family you choose.

I absolutely agree with you OP, you don't have a child to then dismiss your responsibilities at 18 or 21. If my DC have DC and are struggling, I'd do everything in my power to help them, food shopping, cooking, cleaning or taking the DGC to allow their parents to get some sleep. This is what happens with mine and DH's parents and we have a loving and supported extended family.

I feel very sad for the people on this thread who feel just because the DC are parents themselves, they're not entitled to support from family. It's a shame & no wonder people are struggling with lockdown if there's no prospect of familial support

You don’t know what’s going on in the grandparents’ lives. Their health, emotional state, fatigue, rapport with child/grandchild.

Parents are responsible for their kids up to adulthood.

If your friend’s a single mum she needs to look to friends and build up a support network. Use a nursery or childminders. Lots of single mums don’t rely on their parents for help.

Many grandparents still work. Others are fed up with colicky babies and tiring toddlers, they went through that raising their own kids! Or they lack confidence/don’t want the responsibility of childcare. Or fear being used as regular childcare!

Why shouldn’t people be allowed to enjoy their retirement years without expectations from adult kids?

Families are SO complicated. And there’s a lot of unfair treatment in my view. My SIL got 5 years of free full time childcare for her two kids from MIL and does absolutely fuck all to help out MIL when she needs it. By contrast my DH constantly helps with everything she needs but we only get 2 afternoons a week and instead pay thousands for nursery as “you can afford it”.

I wouldn’t mind so much paying for nursery if SIL helped with the other stuff given the benefit she’s had, but she won’t and that’s just the way it is according to my DH!

@rayoflightboy

Im a gp and i try to help where i can.But you cant win offer help and advice and you are interfering.Stand back and wait to be asked.And its you cant be bothered.

If they need help from their parents,they are going to have to ask.The GP are not mind readers.

This, exactly. I have lost count of the threads about 'interfering parents' and they need to follow my rules etc, etc.

Today, more than ever, GP's cannot win.

How do you know they haven't offered to help?
My mum offered to help loads at the baby stage but she can also be quite interfering/opinionated about feeding/sleeping etc so I decided to go it alone more than some as I couldn't be bothered to push back all the time. My mum means well but it was honestly too much hassle! Much easier now with older children and she does help a lot.

YANBU. I hate to generalise but I don’t know what is going on with this generation of grandparents.

This isn't really your business. My parents not do hubby's mum and partner help out. They love their grandchildren but they just don't help. I've just accepted it. I do feel slightly envious of parents who's parents help out a lot.

I struggled with this more when I was younger with my parents. I was actually a single mum (when I met hubby he took DS on as his own when DS was nearly 2). My parents did not help at all. I was young and had an emergency c section. They did nothing to help despite being in pain. I lived there and I was up and down the stairs all night long for feeds! Wouldn't drive me anywhere so ended up driving myself before I should or even walking more than I should for baby weigh ins etc very shortly after he was born. Ended up with a lot of damage tbh which showed when I had my second child.

We have a beautiful dgc and from him being 6 months old my dh used to drive 180 miles every two weeks on a Friday evening to look after dgc for 6 hours on a Saturday whilst my ds and dil worked. If I wasn’t working I went too.
Consequently we have a fantastic relationship with our dgs and we have benefited. I can’t imagine not helping my dc if I’m able.
I think some grandparents must not be very interested in children.
It’s sad and one day these fit older people will need help and perhaps won’t get it.

I agree with you OP, although it won't be a popular opinion on here. Families should support each other IMO, otherwise what's the bloody point having one in the first place. I can't imagine not helping my DC with their own children in the future.

@tryingmybest29. I’m sorry but your parents sound awful. Did you ever ask them to help?

Yep they sound like shitty grandparents.

When/ if my DD has a child I will do everything I can to help her. I would never leave her without support as I know how hard it is. Basically I will be the grandparent I wish my mother was!

You should have babies assuming you will have to deal with everything on your own (or with your partner), any help is a bonus, and grandparents are not obligated

I think I'm being fair in saying that most of us go into parenthood with this attitude. Very few do a full risk assessment and figure out the likelihood of DC with SN or relationship going down the pan once the reality of parenthood kicks in. Or a global pandemic swinging round.

I agree OP. I would do anything for my kids at any age I won’t drop them when they’re adults as ‘I’ve done my stint with kids’ unless they’re taking the piss with childcare. FWIW my parents are usually great but have been weird during covid/lockdown. Lots of ‘we are all in this together, it’s hard for everyone’ from their huge house and garden, massive pensions, golf club, holidaying perspective when we are in a tiny house two small DC and a baby and terrified of redundancies. Not the same! Also my MIL rarely babysits or helps but tells all her friends how involved she is which is tedious. Sadly not all grandparents are great.

Grandparents have already done their time as parents. They have earned the right to retire and not be expected to take responsibility for their grandchildren.

I do agree you would think the grandparents would help more, but they may have reasons not to, and “life is as it is if not as it ought to be” as my late Mum used to say.
Obviously I don’t know your situation OP, but could you perhaps make some meals to put in their freezers,and/or invite them and their children round for a meal at yours occasionally ? Who knows If you did it it might encourage other friends or even the grandparents to do the same.

Friend 1) why isn’t the dad helping? Looking after one 2 year old isn’t exactly ‘run ragged’

Friend 2) she’s making a choice to eat shit every night. She could pick up a pre made salad instead of a pizza.

I think they should help, because that’s what family is for! Not just for good times or when it’s convenient, family is supposed to pull together and help in times of need. I don’t understand this selfish ‘no obligation’ opinion that many have.

As Rhine indicates above it all comes around in the end.

My parents helped out in times of crisis when my kids were small and had them for the odd weekend so that my husband and I could have a break. As a result my (now adult) kids are very close to my now aging parents.

As my parents have gotten more frail and in need of help my kids (as well as myself obviously) visit them often and help out. My mother has recently been in hospital and both my kids have gone (together and separately) to help my father to assist him in visiting my mother as well as keeping him company and doing chores around the places - making beds, getting shopping, hoovering. Both of my kids do it without compaint and are more than happy to do whatever they can. As a single mother now for many years working full time I am so proud of both my own parents and my kids.

Thinking about it I had a very similar relationship with both my sets of grandparents as well.

Funnily enough the paternal grandparents never showed any interest in them at all so my children don't even know if they are even still alive!

I think yabu a bit. My in laws (no health issues, not elderly, retired) have stopped helping with childcare mid Covid (so not due to covid) my parents, (elderly, health issues, also retired but vulnerable) are keen to help. It's such a tough call. I have to work, I have 2 small DC, single. I can just manage,

If you’re supposed to be so prepared for parenthood that you can do it without any help at all, as some on here are saying, shouldn’t you also prepare for the eventuality that one day those children will have children and for various reasons struggle, in which case as their parent you should have been prepared to support them too in some way?

But your children are your own responsibility, why should grandparents spend their retirement doing childcare and cooking for their adult children? Of course it’s terrible when relationships break down but I’m guessing these children have a father somewhere, you should be looking in his direction to look after their own child, not to grandparents who are done raising children.

We live near both our parents one set does help us with school pickups, but it’s them offering not us making them, there is a club they could go to. Other set of grandparents are just there for the fun bits, see us once a month or so and play with the kids with us there. They are very busy people fully retired enjoying their own life, I’d never expect them to be doing more.

@bridgetreilly

Families are complicated. This isn't your business.

Wow great contribution

It is not as simple as that. You don't know the family history and dynamics.
For example, maybe GP helped in the past and didn't like how it went: being taken for granted, DD annoyed if they couldn't help for once, being told off for not following detailed instructions etc.
You also have some people (my Dis is like that) that will totally rely on you as soon as you want to give them a hand, so for ex if I brought her a cooked meal one evening she would be happy but then hint that it should be every evening, ask for complicated/expensive recipes, not think about cleaning the dish. Maybe the GP have been burnt in the past.