To think grandparents need to step up

[mypetEufy]

A friend of mine is a single mum. She struggled to work from home whilst parenting her active nearly 2 year old DD when her nursery was closed. She lives below the breadline, and is reliant on food banks.

During lockdown she often didn't get any kind of break from her DD for weeks on end. A few friends helped now and then, but she has still been run ragged, to the point of her hair falling out.

The thing is, her parents live 20 minutes drive away, they all get on fine, they have some health issues but nothing to stop them helping in one way or another if they really wanted to. They are retired, active and not struggling with money. Friend has been super careful with the virus so her parents are not worried about her passing it on. Both parties are eligible to form a support bubble, if I understand it correctly.

Another friend has recently had a baby, she's a competent professional but struggling with a colicky baby, and interrupted sleep. She had a very difficult labour and is still uncomfortable.

She has has some health conditions which she managed in part, before her daughter was born, by eating a clean diet. She now eats pizza from ASDA most nights. She gets on fine with her parents; mentions what a good cook and baker her mum is. The parents live in the area.

My issue is that I can't fathom how some of my friends' parents aren't helping them when they clearly need some support. The parents are fully aware of the scope of the problems in both these situations. There are numerous other examples I know of in real life and on mn where parents have struggled and their parents have been cheerfully indifferent.

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying grandparents need to provide childcare when their children are at work, or do anything to increase their risk of catching the virus if they uncomfortable (these are grandparents who are happily going to the garden centre, meeting up with friends for lunch, going on holiday and to people's houses).

In both cases the grandparents are enthusiastic grandparents, are keen to be sent photos of their grandchild, enjoy buying presents, and repost those "share if you love being a granny!" posts on fb.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking some grandparents really need to step it up?

I dont want to cause any division and I know a lot of grandparents are amazing, but it's difficult to see my friends struggle. I'm asking here as I've heard mn has a bit of a 'grandparents have no obligation to do anything outlook', and was wondering if there comes a point where grandparents really ought to help?

If they're at school/pre school..

I think YABU

Have the people in your OP actually asked for help? You dont say they have so I think YABU to suggest the onus is on the grandparents to offer instead of the parents to ask. If they have asked and family have refused then it is a different story, but again that depends on circumstance.

My parents are wonderful and if I asked for help they would do whatever they could to help in a heartbeat, but they would not just make an offer of help unless I indicated that I needed it. If the people in your OP arent telling their parents how bad things are - being below the bread line, constant exhaustion from a sick baby letting them get no sleep etc - then how are they supposed to know they need practical help?

Equally, grandparents are their own people and have their own lives so may not want to offer something that will them become expected and ongoing support that will become a burden on them. My parents are still working themselves, as well as having every full social life, and while they are always happy to see their grandchildren - have them to visit, take them out for the day, occasional babysitting/sleepovers etc - they have never wanted to be formal childcare with the expectation that comes with that kind of arrangement of always being available. They will happily do nursery pick up on the day my brother gets stuck in traffic an hour away or look after DD for the second day when she has to be off school for 48hrs because she was sick but I can only take one day off work etc and will always be there in an emergency, but they won't commit to regular caring responsibility and I would never expect that.

Well it’s not their children, so no they don’t need to step up.
That said, if I phoned my mam and asked if she could help me out for the day / few hours / at night, she would (provided it was safe under current circs).
If they are asking for help and not getting it then that is disappointing.

But they are under no obligation to offer help. They’ve done their bit after all.

I see where you are coming from and agree that yes if possible DGPs should help out .However many GPs seem to live the life of Reilly today .Even modestly paid older people, seem to have savings/private /Full State pensions to call on ,and want to be able to live well while they still can it seems! In previous generations more helped out I think .My own GM looked after me a great deal as a child ,and although comfortably off was nearly always avaliable for Summer holidays ,days out ,WE babysitting and so on .

I moved in with my parents after I'd had my son who is now 13, after splitting with my husband when I was 8 months pregnant. I could not have gone back to work without their support but I was incredibly lucky in that my dad retired the year after and my mum worked at a local school. I now live down the road from my dad and have supported him through the death of my mum and his own health issues. I am incredibly grateful and never take the support for granted. It's not that simple though!

Wow melj your parents sound amazing . I dont think anyone here wouls be complaining if their parents did half what yours do!

Sadly some are just not interested.

I think you should be directing your concerns to the fathers of your friends children! Jeez - why should grandparents always be expected to step up to the mark when the bloody father's don't? And yes - I'm a grandparent, and yes, we have to help out a fair amount because the poxy father contributes nothing.

I'm inclined to agree. I have to feel a bit disappointed with my mum who has plenty of time to shop and play golf but not to help me and dp working from home when nursery was closed with 3 yo twins . Other grandparents were already involved in fairly full on care arrangements with niece and nephew so understandably no help there. I've had to reduce my employent massively, my careers gone down the swanny, yeah I'm a bit bitter. I don't really understand. She makes lots of noises about missing the grandkids but always has an excuse not to help or is too busy.

But your children are your own responsibility, why should grandparents spend their retirement doing childcare and cooking for their adult children? Ski at what age do you stop helping your own children? It isn't about, in these examples at least, spending your retirement drudging for entitled adults but helping your child out when they're struggling

It's nice if they could help, but it's really up to them to decide. You really can't know what's really like unless you are a member of the family.
And grand parents already raised their own children, so, not unreasonable if they chose not to get involved.

I think the A-Z of grandparents help is huge.

I absolutely believe full time childcare is a massive commitment and not one I would entertain.

I have seen the massive imposition it is and IMO very thankless.

However, the idea that your child would be a single parent and on their knees is equally abhorrent.

I couldn't stand by and watch that for a minute either.

There is a happy medium.

I wonder are those parents quietly pissed off that their children have chosen to have children as single parents and adopt a "you've made your bed, now you can lie on it" 🙄

If so, it's a truly awful attitude to have.

Totally agree OP. I hate when people expect grandparents to help and feel like they're entitled to the grandparents time but I don't understand grandparents who can help when their children are struggling but won't.

My mum was a godsend when my first DD was born. Her support was the only thing that kept me from going under mentally and physically. I never asked for her help, in fact I felt incredibly embarrassed that she had to help me so much - especially considering she lived hours away and had a very full life of her own - but to her it was simply a case of seeing her child struggling and wanting to do all she could to ease my stress and support me to getting back on my feet. I will forever be grateful and hope I can offer my own DC the same support when they're adults should they need it. As a result the bond between her and DD1 is a joy to behold.

One of my best friends had such a hard time when her first DC was born and her parents just let her sink. It was awful. Yes it's not their responsibility but surely it's just part of being a family to help each other out when in need? The same ones will expect their DC to run around catering to their every need when they're old/infirm.

When I’ve finally retired I will not be looking after young GC (if I have any) in a regular basis. I’ve done my hard work child rearing, working crazy hours and if I make it to retirement I want to relax, travel and see my friends/family. I don’t want to commit to being home every week even if it’s just for one day.

Saying that, lockdown was unprecedented so can see that extra help would have been needed- but initially this was allowed anyway.

@dottiedodah the thing is, my parents brought 3 of us up in the 80s when they had fuck all, we had a great childhood, they both worked, and we went to school / nursery and we managed a holiday. We’d go to grandma’s as a family for Sunday lunch, and occasionally if we were poorly and couldn’t go to school or childcare then grandparents would help look after us.
My parents are retired now and enjoying their time together doing the things they never got to do when they worked full time and had 3 kids to bring up. So I don’t begrudge them living the ‘life of Reilly’ to be honest.

Like I said, my parents always help me when I ask them too. And obviously they want to see their grandson. But I don’t take the piss, because they have their own lives to lead, and he’s my son, after all.

I would love to go back to offering after school care and pick ups for dgc but, because of Covid dd will only let me be with them when it is fine enough to be outside and we wear masks. Because she, and they, are at school all day she feels there is too much risk (to me). Up to March I had done 3 days a week for 13 years!

Plus im 47 and still have young dc at home.So as much as i would like to help,i can only do so much.

Toddlers are hard work,i sometimes take my dc for the day and at the end of it im wrecked.You do forget half of it.

I really have no idea why so many of the PP even had children? You'd think having kids was a form of national service the way they're responding.

Loving and caring for your DC shouldn't end when they hit 18, you love them forever, and that should extend to your future bloodline (barring any major issues/fault outs which granted many ppl do have).

PP seem to also be getting angry and projecting their own family issues, but if you have a healthy relationship with your parents (which the OP friends have as far as is written) they should not only feel obliged to help but they should WANT to help out their struggling DC.

There's too many 'I have a shit relationship with my parents/had no help so I'm not going to empathise with anyone elses struggles just get on with it' which is a very sad way to live your life.

For those saying it's not the GPS responsibility we are in a bloody pandemic and these working parents are the ones attempting to keep the economy running for everyone in difficult circumstances.

To answer your question op I think that the ones who don't help when they could (putting aside health conditions etc) just don't want to.

Obviously that should be gc not dc

As I grandparent I would not like to think that my daughters were struggling and I enjoy spending time with my grandchildren anyway. After reading MN I am very wary of seeming to interfere or take over so I do tend to wait to be asked. It can be very easy to get things wrong. I don't agree with the philosophy on MN that once your children are 18 you have no further responsibility but obviously the relationship changes and you have tobecareful not to give offense.

I have a very similar story to the lady who worked with a 2 year old during lockdown, it almost broke me. I am and always have been a single parent, my parents are around and are supportive but a lot of it is on their terms and sometimes it feels more stressful to have their ‘help’ than to just go it alone. I can feel a bit resentful at times.

Talking yesterday about further restrictions and their suggestion is that if nursery closes again that I should come there...I have a spare room, they could stay here, where all my daughters toys are, we are child proofed, we would all have our own room and I have a home office set up with my dual screens...they just don’t want to. And as I am the one in need I need to abide by what help they are actually offering.

I will agree with some of the other posters that you do actually need to ask and be specific with what you would like them to help doing?

Ultimately though, it was my decision to have my child and she’s my responsibility. I am enormously grateful to the little support I am offered but you just have to dig in and crack on as best you can. It’s also sometimes easier to not compare yourselves to others and what they are getting and look at what help you are receiving and be thankful for that.

No yanbu, I was farmed off to both sets of grandparents for free childcare 4 days a week and all school holidays. My parents and ex in laws are so wrapped up in their own lives we have to book in months in advance to see them or the odd night of babysitting. When I had a new baby and a 3 year old going through a horrendous separation and divorce and a house move they were barely seen. I lived 7 mins from my parents and there was no help at all, they came over twice in a year and I made them dinner!

AboutTimeMum Yes obviously not all are well off! My mistake there .I think you have a good balance by the sounds of it.I was luckier than most as my own DGP as well as DM were able to help with my first DD financially, and although quite elderly by then ,would still be able to look after her for a short time ,and have us round for lunch/the afternoon and so on .Many DGM today are having to work till 66 of course ,and I had just read an article where DGM was hoping to look after her GC while DD returned to work .However she is still having to work F/T so cannot!

I am in the position of being both a grandparent and having small children (under 5) myself. I try to help out my daughter as much as possible because they are always on my mind and I love to have my grandchild with me even though it means having three terrors running around!

My own parents show little real interest in seeing my two (their grandchildren) and I do wonder why they don't feel as grandparents as I do.