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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or am I a horrible DW

264 replies

Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 21:51

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

OP posts:

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/09/2020 10:04

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now That's a really extreme reaction. You keep saying "she was wrong she shouldn't have said it" but it was just a bloody joke. He needs to stop being so pathetic.

Billben · 19/09/2020 10:06

@napody

He hates her because he found out that she was someone you could confide in when his behaviour was unreasonable.

Bingo 👍

Original poster

Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 10:06

@PlanDeRaccordement

This is all so petty.

First off, it’s your home, you can invite whoever you want around. Even if it is a gossipy “friend” who can’t keep anything in confidence, but has to joke about sensitive subjects to your children in front of you and your DH. I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that, who was deliberately saying things to upset you and your DH, but hey it’s your life.

Secondly, was the argument about cleaning warranted or not? You say he has high standards, but make no comment about whether he’s doing his share of cleaning or not and what your standards are.

Yes I've drip fed a few comments about his vs my cleaning standards

I'm generally clean and tidy, but nothing like his standard. When we first lived together we had a lot of arguments about my "mess" I.e of I came home from work and put my coat and bag on the dining table instead of in the hallway. Really ridiculous stuff.

Because of his criticism, and alongside a developed anxiety from childbirth, I have anxiety about cleaning now. I can't just leave anything, and at the forefront of my mind, the reason I can't leave anything, is because of him.

He does his fair share of cleaning, and so do I. I would say I do most of the the general day to day cleaning (70:30 ratio), and he does the random outbursts of cleaning.

If something has dripped somewhere like a cupboard door or floor, and I haven't noticed it, he will pick up on it, and say something to me, but will claim that I do it "all the time" and he's " sick of picking up after me"

It's getting me down tbh.and that's where the conditioning and anxiety around the "state " of the house has developed.

OP posts:

ALLIS0N · 19/09/2020 10:09

Do you want to stay with him? Because he sounds horrible.

BigFatLiar · 19/09/2020 10:13

He doesn't sound very nice (but neither does your friend)

RagamuffinAndFidget · 19/09/2020 10:20

OP, you should really start a new thread in Relationships. You will find a lot of advice, support and straight talking there.

I hope somehow this situation makes you open your eyes, because you are being abused. I know it's hard to hear, and even harder to accept, but please at least try.

This might seem like a minor thing but it's almost certainly part of a pattern, and abusers can be very clever and very sneaky when they choose to. It's not always black eyes and broken bones, OP, sometimes it's the snide remarks, the criticism, the cutting you off from your friends...

thepeopleversuswork · 19/09/2020 10:22

"He does his fair share of cleaning, and so do I. I would say I do most of the the general day to day cleaning (70:30 ratio), and he does the random outbursts of cleaning."

So effectively he sets an unattainably high standard for cleaning but he does less than a quarter of the work required to deliver this standard and uses your failure to achieve these standards as a way of conveying to you that you are not good enough.

I've come across people like this before and its never actually about the cleaning, its about the control. There will always be a drip of something on a surface you haven't seen or a speck of dust you haven't cleaned up. They don't actually care about hygiene or tidiness, they enjoy the control of having to punish someone else with. And in this case its his way of having control over you: whatever your other successes as a person, a wife, a worker, a mother, you will always be a "failure" because you can't clean to his standards.

The reason he hates your friend so much is she is onto him and he knows this.

Those people saying she was insulting to him in his home: in other circumstances I'd have some sympathy with this. But the reality is he needed to be called on this.

I think you have to ask yourself whether you can remain with someone who seems to be constantly creating bear traps for you to fall into and then punishing you when you fall into them. It doesn't sound at all nice. Do you want your children to grow up seeing you as someone whose role in the family is to never quite match up to his expectations?

derxa · 19/09/2020 10:23

one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket Yeah that happened

tornadoalley · 19/09/2020 10:24

If this was reversed and your DH had a friend who was misogynistic and homophobic and you loathed the sight of him, and refused to let him in the house if you were there, would people really be so up in arms? I think it's fair that if either of you hate the friend of the other, they didn't come to your house and the other person respected that view. There are opportunities when your partner is away so it's not a blanket ban or controlling.

Provided this is the only issue and everything else in the marriage is acceptable and normal, I would respect his wishes and expect him to respect yours. It has to be an equal relationship and a two way street though.

As he was supposed to be out that evening but changed his shift, then I would leave him to look after the kids and go out with your DF. I wouldn't want her in the house with him anyway as it would be an awful atmosphere.

bluebeck · 19/09/2020 10:29

@napody

He hates her because he found out that she was someone you could confide in when his behaviour was unreasonable.

This. With bells on.

Wake Up!

Original poster

Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 10:31

@tornadoalley

Yes I agree the atmosphere would be horrible... And I definitely won't put it past DH to say something to her.... In a massively disproportionate way.

So I'm accepting of not inviting her when he's there. Even accepting of me cancelling her coming round tonight as his shift is cancelled. I'm not telling him he has to make himself scarce, I'm cancelling..

My worry is in future, a lifetime ban on one friend will have a lot of impact on me hosting things for our friendship group of I can't invite her (when he's not even in the house)

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 19/09/2020 10:33

@derxa

one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket Yeah that happened

@derxa

What?

thepeopleversuswork · 19/09/2020 10:33

tornadoalley

"Provided this is the only issue and everything else in the marriage is acceptable and normal, I would respect his wishes and expect him to respect yours. It has to be an equal relationship and a two way street though."

But he is a complete fascist about cleaning: sets unachievable standards of cleanliness in the house and basically expects OP to do the lion's share of this. So everything else in the marriage is not acceptable or normal.

Porridgeoat · 19/09/2020 10:34

Why are you even asking him if she can come with your other friends? Seems weird.

holdmysocks · 19/09/2020 10:43

Sounds like he was looking for a reason to ban her from the house.

It's not unreasonable for him to ask that she's not invited round when he's in, but it's controlling to not allow her in the house at all.

ShandlersWig · 19/09/2020 10:43

Bollocks to a future ban even when hes not in the house!

He's now annoyed as he found out you were going behind his back.

He is very rule oriented. And its his way or the highway. My dad was like that and although I didn't like it, it was his house so I obeyed his rules. The thing is this is YOUR house too, so DH doesn't get the casting vote on what you do in it.

Assert some authority back and tell him to fuck off.

Happy marriages are not based on one partner telling the other what to do. Your relationship sounds like parent and child, not equal partners. Is that a dynamic you wish to continue?

Blacksheepcat · 19/09/2020 10:52

Coercive control at its finest! You need to get out of this abusive relationship, if not for you then do it for your poor DD!

AlternativePerspective · 19/09/2020 10:59

I’m torn on this tbh.

On the surface it sounds a bit OTT, but from his perspective, you and your friend were taking the piss out of the argument you had had with your dh, and you did it in front of your children.

You had an argument about the cleaning and next thing she shows up with a mop and bucket for your DD saying “help mummy clean the house.” I would think twice about confiding in someone like that at all tbh and would totally understand why he refused to let her in the house again.

In terms of cleaning, I think that differences in cleaning expectations is often one of the biggest issues in a relationship. Plenty of people e.g. complain about their partner throwing clothes on the floor/not loading the dishwasher etc etc if they live by a different standard.

Do you both work full-time? Because if not then it’s understandable that one of you would do more of the cleaning.

People on here are very quick to shout that you’re being abused, but tbh if my DP had a friend who actively went out of his way to goad me after an argument with DP I wouldn’t want anything to do with him either. And I would be questioning how my DP could stay friends with someone who took the piss out of me in that way.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 19/09/2020 11:06

It's one thing not wanting her there when he's home (although I think he's overreacting) but it's ridiculous to ban her from visiting when he's out. The problem is that you think he may kick off if he ever came home and found her there, and I really don't know how to solve that apart from splitting up.

MakeItRain · 19/09/2020 11:07

But saying "if this situation were reversed and he had a friend who was massively homophobic and misogynistic" is an unfair comparison. The fair comparison would be if he had a friend who "joked" to your dd "help with the cleaning as Smidwifes can't do it properly". That's a dig at you from his side. Would you then openly "hate" this friend and ban him from your house?

My guess is that you would feel really embarrassed and upset about it. (Even that doesn't compare with his feelings, because you would be upset because it's an unfair, rude and uncalled for comment about your cleaning, whereas his upset was because he was called out for the way he treats you). But I bet your dh and his friend would probably openly find that funny and it wouldn't enter anyone's head that this friend should be banned from your house forever.

The answer isn't banning people. It's unpicking what is going on here, and deciding whether it can be resolved. It might feel like it but you really don't have to live like this. You have choices. If your dh is banning your friends from your house, don't waste energy trying to defend his reasons, or focusing on your friend's personality and start thinking about where your relationship needs to go from here.

If that's too much, take tiny steps, and start confiding in your real life friends about your feelings.

DrCoconut · 19/09/2020 11:07

Unless I'm really missing something or there is a lot more back story can her comment even be definitively linked to the argument over cleaning. It may or may not have been connected but household items are fairly typical toys for kids (especially girls, the rights and wrongs of this are a separate discussion) and a "ooh now you can help mummy" type comment is what I'd classify almost as a space filler in conversation, just a throwaway thing to say when the child got the gift. Again the stereotype of helping mummy is a separate discussion. To have made this much drama over it and to have dragged it out over several years just sounds OTT and exhausting.

Shemeanswell · 19/09/2020 11:11

@Smidwifes

“ My worry is in future, a lifetime ban on one friend will have a lot of impact on me hosting things for our friendship group of I can't invite her (when he's not even in the house)”

You’re doing that thing that people do when they’re in the fog of a bad relationship, where they concentrate on an ‘issue’ that they can potentially resolve, rather than looking at the bigger picture, that probably feels too big.

Your husband is a controlling arse. He’s framed this in a way that it looks almost reasonable: “I don’t like this person, I don’t want them in my house”. Fair enough. That’s not really the problem though, is it.

RepDom21 · 19/09/2020 11:12

I think time has passed and I thought this after reading the arrival of the 2nd DD. OP your husband has no right to control who you are friends with just because he does like like her.... it’s TOUGH!!

Original poster

Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 11:12

@DrCoconut

The comments was definitely linked to the argument.... (The coincidence present wasn't tho as she didn't know until she arrived)

She said it in such a way that she knew it was a underhand dig.

She knew it, I knew it, he knew it.

I'm.not condoning this

It was wrong

But the aftermath, literally years later is completely disproportionate

I agree he doesn't want to see her and respect that aspect

I don't agree that I shouldn't have her in our house when he's not here. And that's where our issue is.

If I just bowed down to his wishes then we wouldn't have an issue....we are arguing because we are disagreeing
...

OP posts:

PerveenMistry · 19/09/2020 11:16

Your husband is a controlling asshole. I fear for your daughters.

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