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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or am I a horrible DW

264 replies

Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 21:51

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 07:48

@Florencex

I think I have a right to say that somebody is not allowed into my house, whether I am there or not. I think not wanting somebody there trumps wanting them there.

Your friend is awful for buying a girl a play mop and bucket too, I bet she would not have bought that for a boy. I would have pulled her aside to tell her I don’t appreciate sexist gifts like that, not to tell her about an argument with my husband.

Really. I would buy his for a boy too.

Just like I've bought my DD2 a massive bucket of dinosaurs

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 19/09/2020 07:48

Your relationship isn't supposed to give you long-term anxiety. Is your mother allowed to come visit? I'm assuming you have a good relationship with her.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/09/2020 07:49

He’s an absolute control freak. How is this not an argument you’re all laughing about already? Why should everyone tiptoe around this grown man?
First he was happy with her coming around if he wasn’t in, now he doesn’t want her in his house at all, next you will be banned from seeing her altogether.
He will not be happy until you’ve shown ultimate “loyalty” or in reality, ultimate obedience.
He sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Original poster
Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 07:54

@TitsOutForHarambe

Hypothetically, what do you think would happen if you told your friend to come over anyway?

Imagine telling him that she's coming over whether he says so or not - how does that make you feel? Does it feel scary?

Yes very scary....

Which is why this has escalated to a huge row as I'm trying to get him to agree that I can see her when he's not there.... But he won't budge. So that's a lifetime ban of one of my friends not coming to my house.so I can basically never host full friendship circle events. It'll be without her. Which will prevent me doing it anyway. So therefore I can only see friends individually.

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 19/09/2020 07:54

It was a bit of a stupid thing for her to say knowing you’d just argued about it, but his reaction seems massively blown out of proportion all this time later.

Takingontheworld · 19/09/2020 07:55

He's done a number on you OP.

Your friend was a twat but it didn't remotely surprise me when you went on to say he hates your mother and wanted you to take a career break.

Sounds like he really dislikes anything or anyone that compromises your obedience or thinking outside of his boundaries.

Original poster
Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 07:56

@ShebaShimmyShake

Your relationship isn't supposed to give you long-term anxiety. Is your mother allowed to come visit? I'm assuming you have a good relationship with her.
Yes she's allowed round.... He's not overly welcoming but think that's just coz he's a shit

My relationship with her is good however there are some underlying issues I have with her that's nothing to do with him but he knows about... Basically she left when I was 3 and didn't return to our lives until I was 5. Its caused me some emotional imbalance but I'm generally okay.

OP posts:
JaggySplinter · 19/09/2020 07:56

You've changed the way you behave because you're anxious about his reaction if you don't. Anyone who has to change their behaviour to avoid a negative response from their partner is in an abusive relationship. That's the definition not domestic abuse.

You've said you feel conditioned to think everything is down to "your anxiety". But he created the anxiety! It's him. And it's not ok.

Redcups64 · 19/09/2020 07:56

I wouldn’t tolerate a friend making a rude comment about my husband in our own house!! And wouldn’t expect him to tolerate it if his friends were being mean to me.

Of course it’s not over the top in my eyes, why would you have someone who is rude to you back in your home, that’s just silly.

Go out and meet her.

I know you said he won’t be there but I would want her not welcome in my home, not just not welcome when I’m there.

Very rude if your friend to get in the middle of a row between a couple then publicly air it and take the piss in front of them!!

Annana15 · 19/09/2020 08:06

Really??
You are being abused and controlled
Wake up!!
Get rid immediately!

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/09/2020 08:08

Are his issues with your mother a result of how she's treated you or how she's treated him?

User43210 · 19/09/2020 08:12

@Smidwifes It's funny you mention if this was DHs point of view because it reminds me of another post.

A woman's husband was a bit of a womaniser and crude about it and she generally didn't like him in the house. She told DH he could see him at the pub etc but not in their house.

I believe, but may be mistaken, MN overwhelmingly told her "it's your house, too, and he needs to respect if you don't want his friend in your house!"

Just interesting to me how the same sort of situation (partner not wanting a certain friend to be in the house) can have the same argument "it's your house" but with different outcomes "you should be allowed your friend" / "you should be allowed to ban someone you're uncomfortable with"

Personally, if DH's friend made me uncomfortable or make jokes at my expense, I wouldn't want him in my house. I probably wouldn't be happy with him continuing a close friendship to someone who made a joke at my expense in a sly way (to my face, when I'm in on the joke, is no problem) however, it's just a little comment and he should have probably just replied something like "

User43210 · 19/09/2020 08:13

"You mean help daddy?" With a laugh. But then that probably would have been degrading to you.

I can't decide who I think is BU in this situation as I think it's impossible to get a full picture.

msflibble · 19/09/2020 08:15

He's being a fucking idiot. My DH has one or two friends I don't much like, one of whom has been hostile to me from the start of our relationship and who even said some pretty fucked up things to me at our wedding.

I avoid his friends if I don't like them - I get on with most of them very well. But I'd never tell him he can't see them or invite them over when I'm not here. She made a silly joke and he is being pathetic. He cannot tell you who you can and cannot invite over. He sounds like a control freak.

pictish · 19/09/2020 08:16

Oh he doesn't like your mum either. How interesting.

Craddle64 · 19/09/2020 08:17

I could understand not wanting someone there if they insulted your partner truly or are racist or something but honestly what she said was funny and is so not a big deal.. it is not something you ban someone over. He is a dick.

Craddle64 · 19/09/2020 08:19

I would expect a decent partner to ditch friendships if they were deliberately horrid to me but in this case i don't think her comment was bad enough.. if at all to warrant this.. this sounds like pure control.

Gladysthesphinx · 19/09/2020 08:23

It really wasn’t much of a comment she made. It’s entirely normal to talk to friends about relationships. Your dh is being bullying and vindictive. Your home is a shared space & you should be able to have friends round.
A Mumsnet staple I know but have you looked at the Freedom Programme to see if it seems relevant to you?

ALLIS0N · 19/09/2020 08:24

So that's a lifetime ban of one of my friends not coming to my house.so I can basically never host full friendship circle events. It'll be without her. Which will prevent me doing it anyway. So therefore I can only see friends individually

You can only see the friends he allows you to see and he gets to dictate when and where.

But you don’t think that’s controlling ?

You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 19/09/2020 08:31

I just can't get past the fact you've not only stayed with the arsehole, you've gone on to have another child with him... while he tries to isolate you from people you can confide in and who will stand up for you.

YANBU. Tell your DH he's being a dick, you're entitled to pick your own friends, if he doesn't like what they think of him and his behaviour, that's on him, not them.

Original poster
Smidwifes · 19/09/2020 08:33

@ShebaShimmyShake

Are his issues with your mother a result of how she's treated you or how she's treated him?
How's she's treated him.... But he's overreacted again
OP posts:
CaledoniaCatalan · 19/09/2020 08:33

I think the reason your DH is so annoyed with your friend is because he knows she can see through him and he doesn't like it. The fact he doesn't like you discussing your business with her is tough, you can talk about your relationship to your friend, what is your husband so frightened that you will tell her?

Bizawit · 19/09/2020 08:33

@Florencex you don’t like “sexist gifts” (although to be honest there’s no issue buying that for a child, as long as you’d do the same for both genders) but you are prepared to overlook / apologise for a situation where a man is bullying his wife about cleaning the oven and becomes abusive and controlling when said wife’s friend calls him on it in the most minor/ jovial way.

Newmumatlast · 19/09/2020 08:36

Your husband is a clown. What an absolutely childish thing to ban your friend from the house over. And is it not your shared family home? So why does he have the last say on who gets to be in it? He sounds controlling and pathetic. I would stand my ground and rather than arrange things for when he isnt there I'd arrange them for when I wanted to and tell him she is coming so it is up to him if he wants to be there or not. He needs to get a grip

Nottherealslimshady · 19/09/2020 08:43

He sounds like a wanker that doesn't like any woman that doesn't submit to him, especially in HIS house. The fact you now clean very well for him is very telling that you do give in to him and he expects and demands that.
It's your house as much as his, why does he decide who enters it? Why does he decided how well you clean it? He can either do it himself or accept your standard.
He sounds very controlling and nasty.