Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

[EarringsandLipstick]

So I can't really label this as distancing or control

You really, really can. You have to wait until he is out of the house if you want to invite a friend in.

It's your house too.

[EarringsandLipstick]

OP, please read this sentence again:

It's unreasonable and ridiculous and hurting for me... But I can't label it as control.?

Of course it's control! It's something you find, in your own words, unreasonable, ridiculous and hurting you but you don't think it's controlling?

You don't have agency in this situation. It's control.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@Imworthit

Too long didn't read.... But she bought your baby a bucket and a mop? Would hit her with it.

Don't be so silly. We got bought plenty of gifts like this when my DC were smaller & they (DD & DS x 2) all loved them.

It's doesn't brand anyone for k

[EarringsandLipstick]

...posted too soon.

It doesn't brand anyone for life or reinforce any stereotypes. It's a toy.

Beliefs & approaches are set by parents.

[Bluntness100]

Wow. He doesn’t take criticism does he?

Personally I don’t understand how this is even a discussion. Or why you need to ask on here. You do understand you’re equal to your husband and he doesn’t get to say who you can have in the house. If he doesn’t like whomever, he can fuck off out,

A stupid joke and he’s been holding the grudge for so long and to this extent.

Does he do this to anyone else he perceives to be criticising him?

[sofato5miles]

He is an arse. And a conteolling arse at that.

Bet you clean very nicely for him now...

[Uninspiredusername]

Morning OP.
Two things spring to mind.

1. how long ago was this? We are talking years, yes? That’s an awfully long time for someone to continue to be wound up / hold a grudge over something like this. If there was any respect from him there could have been an opportunity for resolving it.
   
   
2. this is one friend who’s been “blacklisted” but what if another mate says something your DH doesn’t like or takes offence to? Will they not be welcome either? How many people will eventually not be welcome? If he feels so strongly about one of your mates then there’s nothing stopping him from doing the same down the line.

[DrManhattan]

Lucky you, he sounds like a right crank.

How can you let anyone control you like that. Wake up!

[Palaver1]

You should have refused and dug your heels in the first time he made his suggestion.
I can see a parent doing this but not your husband .Its your home.
Your fortunate your friend hasn’t ended your friendship.
Your husband is not very nice.

[Feelingconfused2020]

It absolutely is control. He’s an abusive asshole

Yep.

Also the friend thing is bad but he argued with you and sulked into the next day because you hadn't cleaned the oven!!!?? How the hell is that OK?

[Florencex]

I think I have a right to say that somebody is not allowed into my house, whether I am there or not. I think not wanting somebody there trumps wanting them there.

Your friend is awful for buying a girl a play mop and bucket too, I bet she would not have bought that for a boy. I would have pulled her aside to tell her I don’t appreciate sexist gifts like that, not to tell her about an argument with my husband.

[MJMG2015]

@Indoctro

Yes, I think he has made his feelings clear and you could just go to her house

I would be angry at my husband if he went against my wishes about my own home.

I understand your POV, but would you ban someone for one jokey comment?

[ALLIS0N]

@Bizawit

Personally I don’t think your friend said/ did anything wrong, and your DH sounds like a childish, controlling and generally horrible person.

This.

[kitschplease]

Has he tried to separate you from any other friends or family?
Regardless, he sounds like an arse.

[MJMG2015]

@Florencex

I think I have a right to say that somebody is not allowed into my house, whether I am there or not. I think not wanting somebody there trumps wanting them there.

Your friend is awful for buying a girl a play mop and bucket too, I bet she would not have bought that for a boy. I would have pulled her aside to tell her I don’t appreciate sexist gifts like that, not to tell her about an argument with my husband.

I bought a 'cleaning set' for my goddaughters 1st birthday because she was always trying to use the adult ones (she was walking ridiculously early) and she LOVED it. It did feel a bit weird, but presents are meant to bring the person pleasure, not be a 'statement' 🤷🏻‍♀️

I did actually buy one of her brothers a vacuum cleaner that made noises and picked some stuff up - but he wasn't terribly impressed compared to their actual vacuum!!

[MsKeats]

Divide and rule and conquer. My ex made comments about all of my friends but my best friend in particular and he did it to try to take my friends away.

[Jigglypuffly]

It sounds like he's overreacted about that incident. He clearly felt sensitive and undermined though. And if it had been reversed, with one of his friends making you feel like that at a family party, how would you have felt?

I have a big issue with one of my DH's friends - I cannot stand him - and he is banned from our house. The backstory is very different and deeper, and he is also banned from several houses from our group of friends because of his past actions and ongoing behaviour, but I would be furious if I found out he'd been in my house.

[MJMG2015]

@Smidwifes

Your DH is being very unreasonable. You told your friend about your argument and she made a jokey comment. He's trying to prevent you from talking to your friends about any problems you might have. That's not good.

He should have the maturity to understand that you'll discuss problems with your close friends. Jesus, it was about cleaning not ED.

I'd have told him a long time ago not to be a stupid twat.

I fully agree with not having someone in the house that has hurt your partner or done something truly awful, but a jokey comment -about something daft he can fuck off!

I bet he does a lot of stuff most of us wouldn't tolerate, but you're like a frog in a pot if slowly warming water

[Elskerdeg]

I really don't think some of these replies would be the same if the genders were reversed. People on here seem to always assume the woman does most of the cleaning, too, not that that might not be more common but surely we are moving away from old fashioned stereotypes?

Yes the husband seems to be overreacting and I'd suggest a calm sit down chat about compromise and the actual feelings under neath it all. It is a very strong and lasting response. I think he has a right to refuse to have someone in the house he is uncomfortable with, absolutely. However I'm with you that his reason doesn't tally with why she can't come over when he is away...

The friend made a silly, probably impulsive mistake, that's it. She should be able to see you when he is not there.

Some of you are hilarious. It isn't sexist to buy a girl a mini mop, if that's the kind of toy she enjoys 😂. Am I not allowed to buy my son a toy drill?

[Angelina82]

Your husband is pathetic and childish. He is also an arse for arguing with you because your housekeeping isn’t up to his standard. Tell him he’s in charge of the cleaning in future and that, seeing as it’s your home too, you will have anyone you want round to visit thank you.

[Smidwifes]

@Bluntness100

Wow. He doesn’t take criticism does he?

Personally I don’t understand how this is even a discussion. Or why you need to ask on here. You do understand you’re equal to your husband and he doesn’t get to say who you can have in the house. If he doesn’t like whomever, he can fuck off out,

A stupid joke and he’s been holding the grudge for so long and to this extent.

Does he do this to anyone else he perceives to be criticising him?

Yes, my own mother. He hates her too

[JaggySplinter]

This is abusive behaviour. You can't see it when you're in the relationship, but once you leave the relief is amazing. No longer being around an abusive partner is like being reborn.

Please see a counselor or try reading the Freedom Program. Or speak to women's aid.

His behaviour is not ok and you don't have to live with it.

[Smidwifes]

@sofato5miles

He is an arse. And a conteolling arse at that.

Bet you clean very nicely for him now...

That last sentence really hit home for me.

Because I do now. It's given me anxiety, which at he beginning was clearly anxiety that of I didn't clean in this way there would be a row... But it's been so long that the conditioning has made me feel like it's "just my anxiety" making me clean, or maybe the fact I now have kids ??? I don't know

The level I clean now isn't what used to come naturally to me....

[TitsOutForHarambe]

Hypothetically, what do you think would happen if you told your friend to come over anyway?

Imagine telling him that she's coming over whether he says so or not - how does that make you feel? Does it feel scary?

[notdaddycool]

Can’t decide if you’ve married a toddler or an abuser.