Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

[Boulshired]

This is not a coincidence that his DM has spoke out, it’s because she can see what is happening to you. She can see the anxiety and probably the submission that you cannot see for yourself or do not want to admit to. For this marriage to have any chance of recovering changes need to be made. Wanting it to be ok is not enough, you know he is crossing the line. Do not compromise on his bad behaviour.

[makingmammaries]

This man is horrible, not you, OP.

[notapizzaeater]

Have you seen coronation street ? He's controlling like Geoff !

[billy1966]

OP

This is NOT about your friend.

You are a ball of anxiety in an abusive relationship....and you you now have another potential ally in his mother.

Get away from this nasty prick.

He's so awful.

[Jux]

If he talks to you and his mum like shit, then he is abusing you both. You have changed your behaviour from fear of his reaction and now you have him sitting on your shoulder all the time, nagging you and overseeing you.

I bet there are other ways you've changed your behaviour to avoid his nastiness.

Are you happy?

[ZeldaFighter]

My DH can be a bit unforgiving - he's got a low opinion of a couple of my friends however, he would never "ban" someone without very good reason and without respect to me. His parents were the childcare for our kid when we were having a second and they didn't turn up. We never banned them, they belatedly apologised and I forgave them with gritted teeth.

Your husband is being unreasonable. I would explain that to him and explain that he is jeopardising all your friendships. If he wants an apology, he needs to ask for one. See how he reacts.

[nicky7654]

He has got away with talking to women like shit for so long it's probably second nature to him! How dare he disrespect his Mum!!! You need to wise up and kick him out!

[billy1966]

OP,

His lovely mother knows he's scum.

How painful is that for her.

Kick him to touch.

If not for you, do it for your children.

[popsydoodle4444]

It sounds as though he doesn't like her because she has the guts to call him out on his awful controlling and oppressive behaviour towards you.

Have a look at the below circle of abuse;does any of it sound familiar to you?

[Ginger1982]

@HannaYeah

I’d leave this alone for a few weeks then approach it with an attempt understanding, “It sounds like Ann really has offended you. Do you just feel completely disrespected by her?”

Let him talk and hear him out.

Then show empathy and understanding. After that take time to share how you feel.

“She’s really been there for me during some tough times in my life. She also can be really fun. It makes me sad to know someone I enjoy has upset you to the point that you don’t even want her in our home. I’m grieving the idea that I can never have a party here again with just women friends and invite her without hurting you. I understand but wish there was a way you could find a little forgiveness for her even if you don’t ever want to be around her again.”

Show some understanding for his position and see if that gives him space to look at your side of things.

I’d also tell her that it’s not ok for her to take sides and judge your marital issues. She’s bringing her own baggage to your marriage.
(And I say this as a woman who is having my own frustrations with DH and housekeeping! He’s always kept his house perfect and left to my own devices I’d basically never vacuum or mop!)

Just taking the path of saying he’s ridiculous and should get over it, even if you don’t say it directly to him is a path to eventual separation. Relationships can’t survive if people cannot find empathy and understanding for one another and try to find an agreeable compromise.

Do not do this.

[thepeopleversuswork]

derxa I'm really hoping you're being sarcastic?

Your MIL's reaction shows you that this is a pattern of him treating family (and women) like dirt.

I really hope this shows you that he is the problem in your marriage and the incident with this friend underlines what a jealous and controlling bastard he is.

[PegasusReturns]

@derxa what exactly is your problem?!

[Smidwifes]

@derxa

You've gone too far now OP

What do you mean

[Smidwifes]

We've just been to his mum's, and he spoke to her like shit about her "getting in the way" when we was trying to get out into the garden to stop DD2 running off . He spoke to her the same way he speaks to me.... It was cringey. MIL is the nicest woman in the world.

She only got up / got in his way to help.

This was fairly trivial

However, when he went outside with DD2, MIL said to me " sometimes I really want to tell.him.to fuck off" - this was a major shock for me as this is not the kind of thing MIL would normally say. She's a placid lovely woman.

She then said "does he speak to you like that at home"

I was so shocked someone (especially his own mum ) has seen this behaviour that I kind of choked up and I just said "yes believe me he does!"

She then said, "what do you say to him"
I said "I tell him.to fuck off" (which is not exactly 100% true but more to go along the lines of what SHE wanted to do)

She then said " does he not realise he can't speak.to people like that".... Then DD1 came in... So our convo ended

This has hit home.so much

[Sidewinder30]

Your husband's reaction to your friend's sarcastic dig is not normal. I think you recognise that, as you have not told the friend that she is still banned, years later.

Emotionally well-adjusted people might be offended. They might confront the person who made the comment and say that it wasn't on. Or they might complain to their spouse about the comment and the friend.

But a years-long ban suggests a really quite serious instability.

Should you be banned from having her in your house? No. Not even when he's there. He needs to get the fuck over it, because FFS, this should have been resolved on the afternoon it happened. Posters comparing it to a racist/sexist/hate-mongering mythical mate of his are missing the point - she made one comment. Years ago. It was insensitive and it offended him, and she should have been given the chance to apologise, and he should have accepted the apology.

In short, you are married to a toddler holding a grudge.

Also: was she wrong in her comment? I think not.

[tornadoalley]

You put your food down and say you will see this friend when he is not at home.

If he goes mad at you I think then you need to look at ending the marriage and tell him in no uncertain terms that is what will happen.

It will give you a clear answer

[EarringsandLipstick]

I’d leave this alone for a few weeks then approach it with an attempt understanding, “It sounds like Ann really has offended you. Do you just feel completely disrespected by her?”

Let him talk and hear him out.

Then show empathy and understanding. After that take time to share how you feel.

Christ @HannaYeah

Why the hell should she? 🤷🏻‍♀️

He has been ignorant AF, controlling, making it impossible for her to have a friendship over ONE silly comment.

You think she should tiptoe around him, in the hope he might let her express how she feels? God Almighty, what century are you in?

[SunshineCake]

Also, sticking up for dh why the fuck why?

[SunshineCake]

I did get that far and I won't say congratulations to you. I feel so sorry that you are so lacking in self worth that you have tolerated this controlling bully for so long.

Your kids will see what is going on and think this is how they have to behave to get and keep a man.

Though their father isn't a man. He is a slug.

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

Once he's got rid of this friend he will find another one to remove from your life with another pathetic excuse.

I have a relative whose partner dislikes me. It's because he knows that I know he's an abusive dick.

[Mittens030869]

And it really is ludicrous that he can't cope with your friend being in your house when you have a get together with a group of friends. It really shouldn't be up to him.

[Mittens030869]

I think it's abusive for him to tell the OP that her friend can't be in their home at all, as it's her home, too. As he doesn't like her, it wouldn't be U to not want her to be there when he's at home, but, even if he came home earlier than his DW was expecting and the friend was there, he could cope with saying hi and then doing his own thing.

He doesn't have to like her friends, but telling her that she can't have a friend around that he doesn't like when he isn't there is controlling, no question.

[billy1966]

Your life and your marriage sounds utterly miserable.

I'm pleased to read you work.

OP you have developed anxiety because of this man.

I think you need to look beyond this issue with your friend.

You sound very scared of him?

Go out with your friends tonight instead.

I think your relationship is toxic.

He's a nasty, domineering, belittling man, who has caused you to develop anxiety through grinding you down.

How are your finances?

Do you really want this to be your life.

In your situation, I would check out my finances and how I would survive on my own.

I would check out how leaving him would work.
Reach out to family and friends for support.
If I felt that I could form a plan. I would.

I would tell him that I wasn't happy, that he is abusive and control and that unless he changes his way I would be looking to separate. And mean it.

He sounds like a really horrible man.

God help you.

[HannaYeah]

I’d leave this alone for a few weeks then approach it with an attempt understanding, “It sounds like Ann really has offended you. Do you just feel completely disrespected by her?”

Let him talk and hear him out.

Then show empathy and understanding. After that take time to share how you feel.

“She’s really been there for me during some tough times in my life. She also can be really fun. It makes me sad to know someone I enjoy has upset you to the point that you don’t even want her in our home. I’m grieving the idea that I can never have a party here again with just women friends and invite her without hurting you. I understand but wish there was a way you could find a little forgiveness for her even if you don’t ever want to be around her again.”

Show some understanding for his position and see if that gives him space to look at your side of things.

I’d also tell her that it’s not ok for her to take sides and judge your marital issues. She’s bringing her own baggage to your marriage.
(And I say this as a woman who is having my own frustrations with DH and housekeeping! He’s always kept his house perfect and left to my own devices I’d basically never vacuum or mop!)

Just taking the path of saying he’s ridiculous and should get over it, even if you don’t say it directly to him is a path to eventual separation. Relationships can’t survive if people cannot find empathy and understanding for one another and try to find an agreeable compromise.